Funny how our moods change, our minds play up and send us such different massages, day in, day out....
It's a beautiful day today! I feel so happy. I appreciate each and every moment of my existance.
It makes me wonder what triggered the cancer thoughts to go on vacations?
Is it the meditation I managed to consistently practice for the past few days (although I fell asleep 15 minutes in - every time)?
Or is it a visit to my 'Guru', which filled me up with new energy, gave me the clarity into the next couple of month of healing journey?
Perhaps it is a lovely hour spent with my Yoga Teacher, a very wise and interesting woman with amazing stories and great energies?
Maybe it's my daughter, who has been in an extremly joyfull mood for the past couple of days....
Or the beginning of spring?
Whatever it is, it is in me, it feels great and I am not letting it go! I will be holding onto this feeling, embrace it completely and nurture it as long as possible - never mind the lumps, cracked ribs, muscle spasms...
I am content, I am in a great place, filled with peace and clarity.
Life is beautiful!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Fight against cancer? Or is it?
As a person living with cancer, I can tell the world, it is not a battle, or a fight! It is a life with cancer. Life out of comfort zone, greatly, way out!
Battle is negative, so is fight. Life is not, or at least, it shouldn't be. Life is beautiful, and we shouldn't give cancer the power to change that.
Cancer is a disease. It is a state you are in either temporarly, short term, long term or forever.
I can't talk in the name of all, but I can tell you I am not in the fight nor a battle against it.
I accept the disease, I am actively involved in managing it, hopefully getting rid of it in the nearest possible future, but I am not fighting. No, I am not being hostile or angry. In fact, I am quite opposite. I am learning to be and stay as positive as possible. And I am doing it with love.
I do get slightly annoyed when people describe someone dying of cancer as 'losing the battle'. What does that mean? Is he / she a loser?
I like to think it is a choice of each individual to accept it or not, making decisions on life or death. Consciously or subconsciously.
Cancer is an extremly difficult and complex, multifactorial disease. When associated with pain (which is often the case), is even harder. To keep up hope, belief of getting better one day, the determination, discipline and mostly love to life, which are to my opinion essentials for survival, it is an extremly hard job. And the journey is life long and very unpredictable.
Unfortunately, there is still a general belief in the world that cancer kills, which causes enormous fear. And fear is the one that usually kills, not cancer.
To top it all up, there is the conventional medicine with their statistics, which often cement the fear and take away hope in many cases. And so many people start believing they have a 'terminal' cancer, a year, or even just few months to live etc and before you know it they fall into the statistics and die.
But yet I wouldn't describe it as 'losing the battle'. I prefer to describe it as letting go, finding peace, which is what happens in either surviving or dying anyway. It is very often much easier to find peace in death and there is absolutely nothing negative about it.
I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law. She (as well as most of the world) desperately wants the world to find the 'cure for cancer' and wonders why it hasn't happened yet. It's all in best intention.
The fantastically amazing good news is - there is a cure for cancer!
It is just that the common world doesn't see it or believe it, as it doesn't come in one little pill. And it never will! It is an extremly complex disease which can only be treated hollistically.
There is no easy way out. And it is extremly difficult to embrace such state, learn to love to live with it, take control and change your life accordingly.
So, yes, that's why I dislike the frases like 'battle and/or fight against cancer', because it's got absolutely nothing to do with that. It's all about acceptance, embrace and finally, love.
Wish me good luck!
Battle is negative, so is fight. Life is not, or at least, it shouldn't be. Life is beautiful, and we shouldn't give cancer the power to change that.
Cancer is a disease. It is a state you are in either temporarly, short term, long term or forever.
I can't talk in the name of all, but I can tell you I am not in the fight nor a battle against it.
I accept the disease, I am actively involved in managing it, hopefully getting rid of it in the nearest possible future, but I am not fighting. No, I am not being hostile or angry. In fact, I am quite opposite. I am learning to be and stay as positive as possible. And I am doing it with love.
I do get slightly annoyed when people describe someone dying of cancer as 'losing the battle'. What does that mean? Is he / she a loser?
I like to think it is a choice of each individual to accept it or not, making decisions on life or death. Consciously or subconsciously.
Cancer is an extremly difficult and complex, multifactorial disease. When associated with pain (which is often the case), is even harder. To keep up hope, belief of getting better one day, the determination, discipline and mostly love to life, which are to my opinion essentials for survival, it is an extremly hard job. And the journey is life long and very unpredictable.
Unfortunately, there is still a general belief in the world that cancer kills, which causes enormous fear. And fear is the one that usually kills, not cancer.
To top it all up, there is the conventional medicine with their statistics, which often cement the fear and take away hope in many cases. And so many people start believing they have a 'terminal' cancer, a year, or even just few months to live etc and before you know it they fall into the statistics and die.
But yet I wouldn't describe it as 'losing the battle'. I prefer to describe it as letting go, finding peace, which is what happens in either surviving or dying anyway. It is very often much easier to find peace in death and there is absolutely nothing negative about it.
I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law. She (as well as most of the world) desperately wants the world to find the 'cure for cancer' and wonders why it hasn't happened yet. It's all in best intention.
The fantastically amazing good news is - there is a cure for cancer!
It is just that the common world doesn't see it or believe it, as it doesn't come in one little pill. And it never will! It is an extremly complex disease which can only be treated hollistically.
There is no easy way out. And it is extremly difficult to embrace such state, learn to love to live with it, take control and change your life accordingly.
So, yes, that's why I dislike the frases like 'battle and/or fight against cancer', because it's got absolutely nothing to do with that. It's all about acceptance, embrace and finally, love.
Wish me good luck!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Feeling Of Scared
There it is... The feeling of being scared is back.
It's been a while.
I am to acknowledge the feeling, embrace it, and then move on to a peaceful place.
So I am acknowledging it.
It is not a nice feeling. I can feel it in the chest, slightly short in breath, chatterbox on full volume in my head... 'What if' seems to be the most popular beginning of the questions forming in my mind:
What if I'm wrong?
What if I won't ever feel better?
What if I am going to be feeling more and more pain again?
What if all the lumps in my body start growing bigger and bigger?
What if I'm disillusioned seeing myself healthy in near future?
What if I am still in a denial?
What if I die in few years???
I love my daughter so much. There is no way in the world (or the whole universe) I would ever want to leave her. She is most amazing.
I love myself, too. But, do I love myself enough? Do I love myself enough to get my act together and get back into the routine I know it's most important on my healing journey? The routine of daily practice that brings me 'the peace of mind'... It's all right there in front of me, ready to be done... It's just that, for some reason, I have fallen into this 'I need a break' mode.
I need a break???!!!!??? What the...?!? What kind of break? A break from contentment? A break from 'peace of mind'?
Obviously, it is hard work to sustain the contentment, that's why there are so many miserable people walking around the world.
It is a constant, sometimes more than once daily, practice. It took me at least a couple of weeks to start feeling positive effects. And it took me about two weeks without practice to start feeling negative effects.
The time is NOW!
It is now, that I am to stop, take few deep breaths and keep still for 20 minutes of peace and quite. But, will I? My mind is playing up....
Here I am, writing the post instead.
All of a sudden, as 'the feeling of scared' was acknowledged, I am starting to embrace it!
I'll keep lovingly embracing it for a while longer.
I know it's healthy to feel scared sometimes, and I know it's OK to feel sorry for myself for having such serious disease. I know everyone gets scared sometimes, especially scared of death.
I also know I do love myself enough to get back into my so needed and loved state of contentment. And I am feeling blessed and very grateful to have the knowledge and all of the tools necessary to achieve it, over and over again.
But in times when fear creeps up out of the deepest dungeon, I wish I had someone to accompany me, perhaps hold my hand, whisper in my ear quietly and lovingly, hold me tight and lead me there, where I need to go...
However I do know it is my very own personal journey, which only I alone can travel, to reach my goal of perfect health - in my mind, body and soul!
It's been a while.
I am to acknowledge the feeling, embrace it, and then move on to a peaceful place.
So I am acknowledging it.
It is not a nice feeling. I can feel it in the chest, slightly short in breath, chatterbox on full volume in my head... 'What if' seems to be the most popular beginning of the questions forming in my mind:
What if I'm wrong?
What if I won't ever feel better?
What if I am going to be feeling more and more pain again?
What if all the lumps in my body start growing bigger and bigger?
What if I'm disillusioned seeing myself healthy in near future?
What if I am still in a denial?
What if I die in few years???
I love my daughter so much. There is no way in the world (or the whole universe) I would ever want to leave her. She is most amazing.
I love myself, too. But, do I love myself enough? Do I love myself enough to get my act together and get back into the routine I know it's most important on my healing journey? The routine of daily practice that brings me 'the peace of mind'... It's all right there in front of me, ready to be done... It's just that, for some reason, I have fallen into this 'I need a break' mode.
I need a break???!!!!??? What the...?!? What kind of break? A break from contentment? A break from 'peace of mind'?
Obviously, it is hard work to sustain the contentment, that's why there are so many miserable people walking around the world.
It is a constant, sometimes more than once daily, practice. It took me at least a couple of weeks to start feeling positive effects. And it took me about two weeks without practice to start feeling negative effects.
The time is NOW!
It is now, that I am to stop, take few deep breaths and keep still for 20 minutes of peace and quite. But, will I? My mind is playing up....
Here I am, writing the post instead.
All of a sudden, as 'the feeling of scared' was acknowledged, I am starting to embrace it!
I'll keep lovingly embracing it for a while longer.
I know it's healthy to feel scared sometimes, and I know it's OK to feel sorry for myself for having such serious disease. I know everyone gets scared sometimes, especially scared of death.
I also know I do love myself enough to get back into my so needed and loved state of contentment. And I am feeling blessed and very grateful to have the knowledge and all of the tools necessary to achieve it, over and over again.
But in times when fear creeps up out of the deepest dungeon, I wish I had someone to accompany me, perhaps hold my hand, whisper in my ear quietly and lovingly, hold me tight and lead me there, where I need to go...
However I do know it is my very own personal journey, which only I alone can travel, to reach my goal of perfect health - in my mind, body and soul!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Winter Is Over
What huge few months I've just lived through!
Bones are full of cancer, lymph nodes got few new tumors and even my brain's got few tumors!
I had numerous radiotherapy sessions to ease my pain, a brain surgery to remove the biggest tumor at the back of my head - above my neck, and I underwent the 'gamma knife treatment' for other few (4) little tumors in my brain.
Not sure where to start...
The horrid pain I went through I suppose, which made me visit my Radio Oncologist. He appointed me to the Palliative Care team to give me painkillers for short term relief and prescribed numerous sessions of radiotherapy for long term relief.
Both worked well, although I was quite drugged there for a while trying to find the right type and dose of painkillers.
I remember at one instance I was so drugged, I was afraid / paranoid to leave the house or have any contact with outside world. But I felt pain-free and quite happy.... That being 15 years ago, I would have appreciated it. Not at present though.
Radiotherapy was quite smooth sailing, apart from the last part, when they decided to give me a week's dose in an hour, aimed through my stomach to mid spine and made me sicker vomiting than I have ever been in my life before. Back to the hospital I went on the same night, got some extra drugs and felt better.
Thinking about it now, I could describe half of my winter as being on some seriously heavy drugs.
They included steroids as well, which made me hungry and I ate a lot! Still healthy 'raw' type food though, sticking to my new lifestyle.
These days, I allow myself to have a once a month 'whatever you want to eat' day and I usually end up having some lovely lean organic beef. I also let myself have a little bit of (lowest in salt) cheese and quite a lot of dark chocolate (organic raw vegan friendly style).
Next on the list was the brain surgery!
I met up with neurosurgeon to discuss the procedure. I didn't really want to know the details, nor possible complications. All I wanted to find out was what kind of person he is, how his energies are and what music (if any) he listens to while operating. I was very pleased with him, especially after finding out that him and his team are big fans of U2... Being a huge fan myself, I ordered U2 to be on the playlist during my surgery... And no negatives to be spoken.
I was a bit nervous, I must say, but reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel really helped me to stay positive, learn to be an 'exceptional' patient and fully trust the process and the Universe.
It was the perfect book to be read and I highly recommend it to anyone facing a serious illness or any medical procedures.
I came to the hospital positively charged and 100% ready. I truly did feel like an 'exceptional' patient. Especially after the surgery went so well that I ended up being discharged in 3 days - a day prior to the best possible predicted outcome.
The surgery left me with 21 staples down the back of my head.
Next on the list was the very expensive, new and the only one available in the whole of Australia 'Gamma Knife Treatment'. It is a laser surgery / radiotherapy, without incision, ran by the team of doctors (including Radio Oncologist and Neurosurgeon) and done in a MRI looking machine. It only lasts few hours, no overnight hospital stay, you can play your own music (so I prepared the 'Gamma Knife' playlist on my iPhone), but most importantly, there are no side effects, no hair loss.... The only downside was the steel frame they 'installed' onto my head, which left me with lots of bruising and a very obvious black eye, which hadn't gone away for a couple of weeks.
It's over now.
The weather is getting warmer, bruising is gone, drugs are reduced to minimum, my head is well healed, bold spots covered with fresh growing hair... Spring is near.
I had this amazing powerful feeling the other day. I felt totally empowered.
"I am amazing!" I thought to myself, "I've had a brain surgery! I am surviving a very serious advanced cancer! And I feel fantastic!"
Bring on the SPRING!
Bones are full of cancer, lymph nodes got few new tumors and even my brain's got few tumors!
I had numerous radiotherapy sessions to ease my pain, a brain surgery to remove the biggest tumor at the back of my head - above my neck, and I underwent the 'gamma knife treatment' for other few (4) little tumors in my brain.
Not sure where to start...
The horrid pain I went through I suppose, which made me visit my Radio Oncologist. He appointed me to the Palliative Care team to give me painkillers for short term relief and prescribed numerous sessions of radiotherapy for long term relief.
Both worked well, although I was quite drugged there for a while trying to find the right type and dose of painkillers.
I remember at one instance I was so drugged, I was afraid / paranoid to leave the house or have any contact with outside world. But I felt pain-free and quite happy.... That being 15 years ago, I would have appreciated it. Not at present though.
Radiotherapy was quite smooth sailing, apart from the last part, when they decided to give me a week's dose in an hour, aimed through my stomach to mid spine and made me sicker vomiting than I have ever been in my life before. Back to the hospital I went on the same night, got some extra drugs and felt better.
Thinking about it now, I could describe half of my winter as being on some seriously heavy drugs.
They included steroids as well, which made me hungry and I ate a lot! Still healthy 'raw' type food though, sticking to my new lifestyle.
These days, I allow myself to have a once a month 'whatever you want to eat' day and I usually end up having some lovely lean organic beef. I also let myself have a little bit of (lowest in salt) cheese and quite a lot of dark chocolate (organic raw vegan friendly style).
Next on the list was the brain surgery!
I met up with neurosurgeon to discuss the procedure. I didn't really want to know the details, nor possible complications. All I wanted to find out was what kind of person he is, how his energies are and what music (if any) he listens to while operating. I was very pleased with him, especially after finding out that him and his team are big fans of U2... Being a huge fan myself, I ordered U2 to be on the playlist during my surgery... And no negatives to be spoken.
I was a bit nervous, I must say, but reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel really helped me to stay positive, learn to be an 'exceptional' patient and fully trust the process and the Universe.
It was the perfect book to be read and I highly recommend it to anyone facing a serious illness or any medical procedures.
I came to the hospital positively charged and 100% ready. I truly did feel like an 'exceptional' patient. Especially after the surgery went so well that I ended up being discharged in 3 days - a day prior to the best possible predicted outcome.
The surgery left me with 21 staples down the back of my head.
Next on the list was the very expensive, new and the only one available in the whole of Australia 'Gamma Knife Treatment'. It is a laser surgery / radiotherapy, without incision, ran by the team of doctors (including Radio Oncologist and Neurosurgeon) and done in a MRI looking machine. It only lasts few hours, no overnight hospital stay, you can play your own music (so I prepared the 'Gamma Knife' playlist on my iPhone), but most importantly, there are no side effects, no hair loss.... The only downside was the steel frame they 'installed' onto my head, which left me with lots of bruising and a very obvious black eye, which hadn't gone away for a couple of weeks.
It's over now.
The weather is getting warmer, bruising is gone, drugs are reduced to minimum, my head is well healed, bold spots covered with fresh growing hair... Spring is near.
I had this amazing powerful feeling the other day. I felt totally empowered.
"I am amazing!" I thought to myself, "I've had a brain surgery! I am surviving a very serious advanced cancer! And I feel fantastic!"
Bring on the SPRING!
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