'Meditation' or 'How I Discovered My New Best Friend'

If you are anything I used to be just over a year ago, your thoughts, excuses and opinions on meditation may sound a bit like these:

• I know I should, but it's not for me
• I know it's beneficial, but I can't do it
• I'm just not good at meditating
• I don't have time
• How boring is it to do nothing
• I just can't meditate
• I can't stop thinking

And many more....

My first experience with meditation goes back some 8 years ago when I started practicing yoga. We were having 45 min of a very strong, dynamic moving, active astanga vinyasa style session, followed by only 5-10 min of led relaxation meditation to finish. Those last 5 min seemed to last forever.... I was lying there, all sweaty and pumped after an excellent workout, with my mind going 100km/h. Couldn't wait for the 'yogi' bell to come up to finish the session, hurrying back to the busyness of the day. There was a great feeling I was left with, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the perfect balance that yoga is supposed to be all about. I felt hyper active, pumped, but somehow relaxed, clean, flexible and light moving. In the 8 years of active yoga practice, I unfortunately didn't get much of a deeper mental or spiritual benefit at all... It was almost solely physical experience.

Than, in December 2010, the diagnosis of advanced breast cancer that had spread into my spine, slapped me across the face. It was harsh. Very very harsh. It was the closest near death experience I've ever felt.

But it wasn't all bad, as it woke up the desire to change and brought up the need to heal. The very strong need,  which was hidden somewhere deep inside of me.

I found myself reading the first book at the very beginning of this particular journey - You Can Conquer Cancer by Dr. Ian Gawler (the founder of The Gawler Foundation) and it all started to unfold. The puzzle to re-build my new self, my new life in perfect health, was right there in front of me and I discovered tools that can be of enormous help.
One of those most important tools is MEDITATION.

Right there, during Christmas Holiday, on the beautiful Castaway Island of Fiji, I started to see and plan my future, my upcoming 'healing journey'. I began to understand the importance of meditation for the peace of mind.

Having cancer is one of the easiest, most guilt free or accusation free 'excuses' to be depressed, lose the will to live, the desire to ever change, to see positives, or just to simply even see the future... No one will ever say anything bad about you if you suddenly let yourself go depressed or caught in some extreme emotion of any way, while diagnosed with a potentially terminal, definitely life threatening disease such as cancer. Especially advanced cancer, with the very poor prognosis of (in some cases) only 3-6 months left to live. Everyone is there for you to make whatever left of your life easier and to support you with whichever step you may choose to take next.
So, no wonder many people go for 'living it up' lifestyle, filled with alcohol, party, junk food, busy and in a hurry to live while still alive, rushing through the 'bucket lists'.... Or the complete opposite of giving in, letting be sick and sooner, rather than later, let yourself go to rest in peace...

But, is that really what's all about? Are there really only these two choices?
Why, yes, for many there are, but I found myself in a very different position. I actually decided to get well again. And to do everything I possibly can, use all the tools available to help me achieve that. Meditation was one of the first tools I came across.

There are many types of meditation, for many purposes: relaxation for peace of mind and clarity, stillness, mindfulness, awareness for being present in the moment, imagery and visualization exercises...
They are all amazing, very beneficial and they actually all work in some kind of way. All you have to do is firstly open yourself to experimenting and commit to practice regularly. If you are well, you might only need as little as 10 min daily to start feeling benefits (in as short time as 2 weeks) and if you suffer from any of the life threatening or chronic conditions, you may need (or perhaps want) anywhere between half an hour to three hours daily, depending on many different circumstances.

Myself, being diagnosed with a seriously life threatening disease, and with a deep seeded belief of  'can not meditate', I decided to commit and scheduled in 3 half hour sessions a day in the first couple months of my 'healing journey'.
I also bought few guided meditation CDs, found myself an experienced meditation teacher, local meditation workshops and a local community based meditation group for once weekly 'meditation group' practice.

When I first started, it was hard, long and messy. I lay or sat there 3 x a day and tried not to think. But the more I tried, the more thoughts came flooding  through my brain. So I tried to concentrate on one particular point. In my case was the black space in front of my closed eyes. It was nice to find nothing was there. Just that blankness of it made me feel good and slightly relaxed.
As I spoke to my meditation teacher, I learned that there was no such thing as 'stop thinking'. That came as a huge and very welcome piece of information. All of a sudden the pressure of trying not to think has lifted.
'Wow, I can actually keep thinking!' I thought, 'That is great!'
And once I realised that, I pretty much stopped stressing about thoughts popping into my head. Every thought that arises, has since been welcome to arise, and off it goes away.... Without judgement, without attachment. And all of a sudden, there is no stress attached to it. Such a simple thing, yet such an enormous and fulfilling progress.

That was my first step in forming a very solid friendship with the meditation. No more stressing... It didn't leave me stressed or irritated anymore, but instead much calmer, relaxed, with a good peace of mind and some clarity.

I tried to read few books on meditation, but my 'boring' mind started kicking in.... No, I am not a very keen reader. My relationship with meditation is much more exciting when put into practice.
But I did find (and I still do) guided meditation CDs very useful. Some of my very favourite CDs are Mindfulness Meditation with Paul & Maia Bedson and I can never go past Dr. Ian Gawler, his PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) and The Healing Journey. They are all available from www.gawler.org. And no, I am not sponsored by The Gawler Foundation, I just sincerely love their work, am their great fan and I am so very thankful to have found them. They have indeed played a major part on my healing journey.

Anyhow, that's my precious new friend, the meditation. I can not imagine my life without it anymore.
It's always there, with me.... Wherever I am, wherever I go. Whenever. Now, later, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere. It is a part of me now. It is the part, which I've never really known existed, the part I used to call 'boring' or perhaps the part that I, for some reason, chose to ignore. That very special part, somewhere deep within me, the calm, the stillness, the quite, peace, contentment.... And it's always there, easily accessible with my new best friend - the meditation.

3 steps forward, 1 step back

Ah, the unpredictability of the life with cancer...

Just as I thought all is under control, decided to take a well deserved break from heavy decision making on serious treatments, or starting any suggested serious treatments such as chemotherapy (which I have been postponing for quite a few months), I woke up the other day in an excruciating pain. And this time, the pain decided not to go away. Not with a top up pain medications, not with a session of acupuncture, meditation, rest... Nothing seemed to help.

As the day progressed, the pain was getting worse and worse, until it got so bad that I simply curled up on the floor, unable to stand up or even sit up. It was most physically agonizing pain I have ever experienced, and I couldn't move without the help of my loving man. Breathless and unable to get the words out ... All of the muscles around back and front of my lungs were in a complete spasm.

It took me at least 20 minutes to come back to breath, be able to talk and phone my after hours palliative care team for advice. Few top up painkillers, another phone call an hour later and doubling the usual dose, left me quite high, but somehow numb to the pain and I ended up having a very needed deep, long night sleep.

Positive me, I hoped for a good, pain free morning to wake up to. Gosh I was wrong!

I woke up fresh, at peace, well rested, but realised soon after that I couldn't move. The mission to the bathroom was pretty much impossible. In fact, it was so bad, I couldn't even sit up to take my morning medication. I was very close to be completely paralyzed from neck to hips.

I crashed back onto my bed in agony, took quite some time to relax, release and catch enough breath to be able to start talking...  Needless to say, I was straight on the phone to the Doctor, organized an ambulance and off I went to the nearest Emergency.

So much about being in control... And reducing my painkillers.... And taking a  'well deserved Xmas break' from cancer :-))))

What have I learned?

In this particular event from the past few days, I have learned there is often no such thing as taking control over the situation.... No such thing as a 'deadline', or a break, holiday, time out...
Sometimes, things just occur, very unpredictably and totally unplanned, out of our hands, nowhere in our agenda.

It is in a way similar to the experience of being a new parent.
Once your child is born, you are a grown up, a parent, responsible 24/7, for the rest of your life. There is no manual, no agenda on baby's sleep, no knowing what comes next. It is extremely unpredictable.
And no matter how tired you sometimes may feel, no matter how much you feel like you need a long, uninterrupted good night sleep, there is no break from it. And it is pretty much out of control, at least yours, anyway... It seems that all of a sudden, a little innocent newborn, so precious and dependant, completely changed your life.

Please let me explain in a more detailed way:
By no means I intend to be negative about being a new parent, as it actually also is the most amazing experience, better and greater than anything you could have ever imagined. It is also the most rewarding. And it teaches you so much.

Being a mother, I have learned million things, but the two that really stand out for me are:

1. true, immeasurable, unconditional love (instantly)
2. patience (work in progress) 

In my case, being a mother and being diagnosed with advanced cancer, seems very comparable.

The secondary diagnosis of cancer has changed my life completely, and mostly (just like being a mother) in the most amazing, positive, rewarding way.
Over the past year, I have left my stressful job, changed my diet to the healthiest possible, started to meditate, surrounded myself with people that I want to be surrounded with, my priorities are very obviously recognised, I have found a peace of mind, gained clarity, got rid of the guild, anger, learned how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy, peaceful manner ... And the list of positives goes on and on.
But most importantly, I have started practising true, immeasurable, unconditional love towards myself and I am learning, day by day, to be patient.

So yes, I have learned that sometimes things happen suddenly, very unpredictably, totally unexpected, unplanned and out of our hands.

I have recently opened myself to starting another session of chemotherapy, but naively thought it could wait until the beginning of new year. I seriously believed my cancer in the spine can take a 2 months vacation from a much needed treatment, without compromising my well-being, let me enjoy the festive season and then, when I am ready with my 'new year resolution list', we can start 'fresh after a break' - in my own time frame.
Yes, I was very wrong.

But whatever happens, no matter have unexpected and horrible it may feel when it occurs, it is just a moment. A moment, that just like any other moment in our life, is sure to pass.

And so we move through life - 3 steps forward, 1 step back, learning to embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability, knowing that although slow, with many possible set-backs, we still are moving forward, towards the completion of the circle of life as we know it.

To conclude, I will use a simple, but yet very deep and powerful mantra by my dear friend Jane:
'All is well. All is well. All is well... Always!'

How Are You Today?

I am sure we all loose count on how many times during one day we are asked the 'how are you'? Or how many times we ask someone.
From random people we bump into or somehow cross paths with (taxi / bus drivers, counter service at local cafe / shop...) or people closer to us such as our work colleagues, to people we love -our dear friends and loving family members.

It is not a big deal and it usually goes something like this:
'Hi, how are you?'
'Good, thanks, and you?'
We most commonly don't expect the answer or really care to hear it and reply, perhaps start the conversation... It is quite a superficial, but yet polite way of communicating in today's society.

Unfortunately (but sometimes fortunately) it all changes when you live affected by cancer.
Random superficial 'how are you's are sort of still the same.... Not a great deal. No expectations on the answer. But when it comes to people you know, they mostly really sincerely wish to know how you are. I am not sure why, but they ask 'how are you' in a different way. It is almost like they are realising that it generally doesn't mean much, but in our case, living with cancer, most people actually expect and wait to get the answer. If they haven't seen me in a while (like my work colleagues, business colleagues, brief friends etc), they ask that same question my partner: 'How is Tina?' over and over again. Some every day, others weekly... He gets quite tired answering and his usual answer is 'Good'

As for myself, it is not that simple. The simple answer 'Good' is just not enough.

Very early this year, soon after my secondary diagnosis, I have made a decision of being truly honest to myself in the way I feel. And once you are honest to yourself, you find it is quite complicated and simple 'good', 'not bad', 'not too good' etc just wouldn't do for an answer.

Living with my type of cancer, which is metastasised in the bones, is a painful experience. So automatically, you are never really good (basically never as good as I felt 18months ago when I was super fit and full of energy). At least not good in a physical sense.
There are days I feel horribly in pain and then there are days (like today) straight after acupuncture when the pain is minimal and the painkillers I am on actually are doing their job just fine. Yet I physically feel stiff, weak, inflexible and slow.

But luckily there is much more to how we feel than just a physical aspect. There are also emotional and mental well beings. And in those two, I very often feel much better than I've ever felt before.
If I compare my mental and emotional present feeling to 18 months ago, it is almost like I am a different person. I now generally feel at peace, filled with clarity, confidence and love to life, myself and people near me. Although tired, I am generally happy and content. And when I get upset, it is a very superficial feeling that passes quickly and not the deep seeded anger that used to consume me and made me dwell in it for hours.
When I feel doubts or fears or any other unpleasant emotions, they seem to be sensed and recognised creeping out from somewhere in the back corner and dealt with way before they completely take me over, like they used to.

Practising being honest to myself has tought me the real meaning of being positive. Because only when you are honest to yourself, you recognise those 'unpleasant' emotions early enough to deal with them in a positive manner and don't let them to completely consume you.

Another pact I did with myself early this year is to completely open to myself, the universe and to selected people around me. It feels so good!

So next time you meet me or call me and ask me: 'How are you today?', you might get the honest & open answer which might sound something like this:
'Generally, I am quite well, thank you. Physically, I am in pain, today around my lower back, not much, but it's still there. I do feel quite weak, very inflexible and stiff though, but emotionally content, with a lot of mental clarity on what to do next. But mostly, I am very excited about an early family dinner catch up later on.'

And 'How are you?'

I wish for GREEN to be the new PINK

October, the month of 'Pink Ribbon' for breast cancer awareness is finished.
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........

Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.

The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc

All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.

Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....

It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....

Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.

But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.

The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.

And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!

There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :

• change of diet to unprocessed, fresh, high alkaline, vegan / plant based
• no sugar, salt, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine
• freshly squeezed vegetable juices and / or smoothies
• meditation
• acceptance and love of life

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.

Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.

So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!