I am In A Good Place

Too often I get: 'Oh Tina, I am so sorry for you...' kind of statement from an acquaintance or a dear friend.
Lots of comparing, too, like 'I got this horrid cold / flu / gastro, nothing like you though...'
or 'Been crazy at work, way too busy, too stressful, but nothing compared to what you're going through...'

Can I please ask you all to STOP comparing!
I am in a good place.

I know how you feel. I seriously get it. I can remember, I've been there. I can still (even if only just) vaguely feel it all over my body, mostly in my chest and tummy, that unpleasant feeling of tightness, shortness of breath, stress, feeling of being trapped... Or that other feeling of being so unwell from cold or flu, that you can't get out of bed, feeling weak, one moment hot and sweaty, next moment cold and shaky... Or when your throat is so bad you can't swallow anything but a luke warm tea perhaps... Or the self inflicted sicknesses like when you had too much to drink and spend the whole night in the bathroom....Or when you picked up some gastro somewhere....
It is a horrible feeling! Horrible and horrible again. Especially when you have no time to rest (because of deadlines at work) or have no knowledge on how to handle it within you.
That feeling of constant inner stress (if repeated for lengthy periods of time), is what (to my opinion) causes serious critical illnesses such as cancer and / or many others.
All of the above are symptoms, a bit like warning signs from your physical body telling you to slow down, take a break. A rest. Time out. Perhaps take a nice relaxing holiday, respect your body, nurture it, love it... Make it feel better.
But unfortunately, more often than not, we instead pop few pills, perhaps give ourselves a day to recover, when we literally can not move, and then back to the action... Back to the busyness, stress, hobbies, parties, especially this time of the year.

Well, that was me, anyway...
Since my secondary diagnosis (it was 1 year anniversary yesterday), I have been on a healing journey.
Quite funny really, as I had a few most important projects still to finish at work last year before my 'end of year' deadline, but I had to see the Doctor because of my incapacitating back pain. I took a day off and after X - Ray results showed cancer had returned, my work disappeared from the priority list completely, totally, 100%. In fact, I have not worked from the office since 13th December 2010. A day before my diagnosis.

So, how important the job really was?
What is it that is truly important?

For me, right there and then, at the Doctor's suite delivering the news of 'cancer has returned', the only most important thing was life. Life, including my young family - my daughter, my partner and myself.

In my personal experience, that was it. As if the whole wide world (including all my other family members and dear friends) just completely disappeared.... Right there and then, in that moment of existence, there was only myself, being alive and well, with and for my daughter and my beautiful loving man. For that instant, absolutely nothing else mattered nor existed. It pretty much went blank.
It was a huge awakening.
And it was good. Priorities have since been so clear, there is no chance to ever un-see them again.

Right then, on 14th Dec 2010, with all the stresses of my past, going way back to my early childhood, the present lifestyle and the cancer diagnosis, I was in a very deep and dark place. In a place, where for few days I felt totally hopeless and seriously didn't see the way out. I had felt like I have completely lost control of life and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it...
Luckily, I found the book that opened my eyes, filled me with hope and I was able to climb out of that deep dark abyss and into the light, seeing there was future and it can be bright.
And so my healing journey started.

Comparing myself, my well being and the place I am at now, to the place I have been for many years in my past, it's literally like day and night. It is so different, I find it extremely difficult to put it into words.

I can try to describe the current place as the place of peace of mind, emotional stability, contentment, existence without stress, lots of clarity, obvious and vivid priorities; the future that is laid in front of me like a huge circle with million possibilities and not just one single path or perhaps a couple; the belief of trust and certainty that all really and truly is unfolding perfectly...
Never mind the lumps and fractures in my body, there is so much more than physical bodies.... It's the wholeness of ourselves. It's our mind, emotions, spiritualism, soul.
They all are to be attended to and have a special place in our existence, as it's only when they all are in balance and harmony, one as human being can truly be whole & complete, which leads to that ultimate state of contentment that most of us are striving to achieve...

So next time you're tempted to compare yourself with someone with some sort of serious disease, stop yourself and have a think ... Where am I at - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

As for me, although I physically am the most fragile and weak I have been in my life, I'm undergoing numerous treatments to improve that one part of my existence, but I truly am in a better than ever place before - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am at peace.

'Meditation' or 'How I Discovered My New Best Friend'

If you are anything I used to be just over a year ago, your thoughts, excuses and opinions on meditation may sound a bit like these:

• I know I should, but it's not for me
• I know it's beneficial, but I can't do it
• I'm just not good at meditating
• I don't have time
• How boring is it to do nothing
• I just can't meditate
• I can't stop thinking

And many more....

My first experience with meditation goes back some 8 years ago when I started practicing yoga. We were having 45 min of a very strong, dynamic moving, active astanga vinyasa style session, followed by only 5-10 min of led relaxation meditation to finish. Those last 5 min seemed to last forever.... I was lying there, all sweaty and pumped after an excellent workout, with my mind going 100km/h. Couldn't wait for the 'yogi' bell to come up to finish the session, hurrying back to the busyness of the day. There was a great feeling I was left with, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the perfect balance that yoga is supposed to be all about. I felt hyper active, pumped, but somehow relaxed, clean, flexible and light moving. In the 8 years of active yoga practice, I unfortunately didn't get much of a deeper mental or spiritual benefit at all... It was almost solely physical experience.

Than, in December 2010, the diagnosis of advanced breast cancer that had spread into my spine, slapped me across the face. It was harsh. Very very harsh. It was the closest near death experience I've ever felt.

But it wasn't all bad, as it woke up the desire to change and brought up the need to heal. The very strong need,  which was hidden somewhere deep inside of me.

I found myself reading the first book at the very beginning of this particular journey - You Can Conquer Cancer by Dr. Ian Gawler (the founder of The Gawler Foundation) and it all started to unfold. The puzzle to re-build my new self, my new life in perfect health, was right there in front of me and I discovered tools that can be of enormous help.
One of those most important tools is MEDITATION.

Right there, during Christmas Holiday, on the beautiful Castaway Island of Fiji, I started to see and plan my future, my upcoming 'healing journey'. I began to understand the importance of meditation for the peace of mind.

Having cancer is one of the easiest, most guilt free or accusation free 'excuses' to be depressed, lose the will to live, the desire to ever change, to see positives, or just to simply even see the future... No one will ever say anything bad about you if you suddenly let yourself go depressed or caught in some extreme emotion of any way, while diagnosed with a potentially terminal, definitely life threatening disease such as cancer. Especially advanced cancer, with the very poor prognosis of (in some cases) only 3-6 months left to live. Everyone is there for you to make whatever left of your life easier and to support you with whichever step you may choose to take next.
So, no wonder many people go for 'living it up' lifestyle, filled with alcohol, party, junk food, busy and in a hurry to live while still alive, rushing through the 'bucket lists'.... Or the complete opposite of giving in, letting be sick and sooner, rather than later, let yourself go to rest in peace...

But, is that really what's all about? Are there really only these two choices?
Why, yes, for many there are, but I found myself in a very different position. I actually decided to get well again. And to do everything I possibly can, use all the tools available to help me achieve that. Meditation was one of the first tools I came across.

There are many types of meditation, for many purposes: relaxation for peace of mind and clarity, stillness, mindfulness, awareness for being present in the moment, imagery and visualization exercises...
They are all amazing, very beneficial and they actually all work in some kind of way. All you have to do is firstly open yourself to experimenting and commit to practice regularly. If you are well, you might only need as little as 10 min daily to start feeling benefits (in as short time as 2 weeks) and if you suffer from any of the life threatening or chronic conditions, you may need (or perhaps want) anywhere between half an hour to three hours daily, depending on many different circumstances.

Myself, being diagnosed with a seriously life threatening disease, and with a deep seeded belief of  'can not meditate', I decided to commit and scheduled in 3 half hour sessions a day in the first couple months of my 'healing journey'.
I also bought few guided meditation CDs, found myself an experienced meditation teacher, local meditation workshops and a local community based meditation group for once weekly 'meditation group' practice.

When I first started, it was hard, long and messy. I lay or sat there 3 x a day and tried not to think. But the more I tried, the more thoughts came flooding  through my brain. So I tried to concentrate on one particular point. In my case was the black space in front of my closed eyes. It was nice to find nothing was there. Just that blankness of it made me feel good and slightly relaxed.
As I spoke to my meditation teacher, I learned that there was no such thing as 'stop thinking'. That came as a huge and very welcome piece of information. All of a sudden the pressure of trying not to think has lifted.
'Wow, I can actually keep thinking!' I thought, 'That is great!'
And once I realised that, I pretty much stopped stressing about thoughts popping into my head. Every thought that arises, has since been welcome to arise, and off it goes away.... Without judgement, without attachment. And all of a sudden, there is no stress attached to it. Such a simple thing, yet such an enormous and fulfilling progress.

That was my first step in forming a very solid friendship with the meditation. No more stressing... It didn't leave me stressed or irritated anymore, but instead much calmer, relaxed, with a good peace of mind and some clarity.

I tried to read few books on meditation, but my 'boring' mind started kicking in.... No, I am not a very keen reader. My relationship with meditation is much more exciting when put into practice.
But I did find (and I still do) guided meditation CDs very useful. Some of my very favourite CDs are Mindfulness Meditation with Paul & Maia Bedson and I can never go past Dr. Ian Gawler, his PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) and The Healing Journey. They are all available from www.gawler.org. And no, I am not sponsored by The Gawler Foundation, I just sincerely love their work, am their great fan and I am so very thankful to have found them. They have indeed played a major part on my healing journey.

Anyhow, that's my precious new friend, the meditation. I can not imagine my life without it anymore.
It's always there, with me.... Wherever I am, wherever I go. Whenever. Now, later, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere. It is a part of me now. It is the part, which I've never really known existed, the part I used to call 'boring' or perhaps the part that I, for some reason, chose to ignore. That very special part, somewhere deep within me, the calm, the stillness, the quite, peace, contentment.... And it's always there, easily accessible with my new best friend - the meditation.

3 steps forward, 1 step back

Ah, the unpredictability of the life with cancer...

Just as I thought all is under control, decided to take a well deserved break from heavy decision making on serious treatments, or starting any suggested serious treatments such as chemotherapy (which I have been postponing for quite a few months), I woke up the other day in an excruciating pain. And this time, the pain decided not to go away. Not with a top up pain medications, not with a session of acupuncture, meditation, rest... Nothing seemed to help.

As the day progressed, the pain was getting worse and worse, until it got so bad that I simply curled up on the floor, unable to stand up or even sit up. It was most physically agonizing pain I have ever experienced, and I couldn't move without the help of my loving man. Breathless and unable to get the words out ... All of the muscles around back and front of my lungs were in a complete spasm.

It took me at least 20 minutes to come back to breath, be able to talk and phone my after hours palliative care team for advice. Few top up painkillers, another phone call an hour later and doubling the usual dose, left me quite high, but somehow numb to the pain and I ended up having a very needed deep, long night sleep.

Positive me, I hoped for a good, pain free morning to wake up to. Gosh I was wrong!

I woke up fresh, at peace, well rested, but realised soon after that I couldn't move. The mission to the bathroom was pretty much impossible. In fact, it was so bad, I couldn't even sit up to take my morning medication. I was very close to be completely paralyzed from neck to hips.

I crashed back onto my bed in agony, took quite some time to relax, release and catch enough breath to be able to start talking...  Needless to say, I was straight on the phone to the Doctor, organized an ambulance and off I went to the nearest Emergency.

So much about being in control... And reducing my painkillers.... And taking a  'well deserved Xmas break' from cancer :-))))

What have I learned?

In this particular event from the past few days, I have learned there is often no such thing as taking control over the situation.... No such thing as a 'deadline', or a break, holiday, time out...
Sometimes, things just occur, very unpredictably and totally unplanned, out of our hands, nowhere in our agenda.

It is in a way similar to the experience of being a new parent.
Once your child is born, you are a grown up, a parent, responsible 24/7, for the rest of your life. There is no manual, no agenda on baby's sleep, no knowing what comes next. It is extremely unpredictable.
And no matter how tired you sometimes may feel, no matter how much you feel like you need a long, uninterrupted good night sleep, there is no break from it. And it is pretty much out of control, at least yours, anyway... It seems that all of a sudden, a little innocent newborn, so precious and dependant, completely changed your life.

Please let me explain in a more detailed way:
By no means I intend to be negative about being a new parent, as it actually also is the most amazing experience, better and greater than anything you could have ever imagined. It is also the most rewarding. And it teaches you so much.

Being a mother, I have learned million things, but the two that really stand out for me are:

1. true, immeasurable, unconditional love (instantly)
2. patience (work in progress) 

In my case, being a mother and being diagnosed with advanced cancer, seems very comparable.

The secondary diagnosis of cancer has changed my life completely, and mostly (just like being a mother) in the most amazing, positive, rewarding way.
Over the past year, I have left my stressful job, changed my diet to the healthiest possible, started to meditate, surrounded myself with people that I want to be surrounded with, my priorities are very obviously recognised, I have found a peace of mind, gained clarity, got rid of the guild, anger, learned how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy, peaceful manner ... And the list of positives goes on and on.
But most importantly, I have started practising true, immeasurable, unconditional love towards myself and I am learning, day by day, to be patient.

So yes, I have learned that sometimes things happen suddenly, very unpredictably, totally unexpected, unplanned and out of our hands.

I have recently opened myself to starting another session of chemotherapy, but naively thought it could wait until the beginning of new year. I seriously believed my cancer in the spine can take a 2 months vacation from a much needed treatment, without compromising my well-being, let me enjoy the festive season and then, when I am ready with my 'new year resolution list', we can start 'fresh after a break' - in my own time frame.
Yes, I was very wrong.

But whatever happens, no matter have unexpected and horrible it may feel when it occurs, it is just a moment. A moment, that just like any other moment in our life, is sure to pass.

And so we move through life - 3 steps forward, 1 step back, learning to embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability, knowing that although slow, with many possible set-backs, we still are moving forward, towards the completion of the circle of life as we know it.

To conclude, I will use a simple, but yet very deep and powerful mantra by my dear friend Jane:
'All is well. All is well. All is well... Always!'

How Are You Today?

I am sure we all loose count on how many times during one day we are asked the 'how are you'? Or how many times we ask someone.
From random people we bump into or somehow cross paths with (taxi / bus drivers, counter service at local cafe / shop...) or people closer to us such as our work colleagues, to people we love -our dear friends and loving family members.

It is not a big deal and it usually goes something like this:
'Hi, how are you?'
'Good, thanks, and you?'
We most commonly don't expect the answer or really care to hear it and reply, perhaps start the conversation... It is quite a superficial, but yet polite way of communicating in today's society.

Unfortunately (but sometimes fortunately) it all changes when you live affected by cancer.
Random superficial 'how are you's are sort of still the same.... Not a great deal. No expectations on the answer. But when it comes to people you know, they mostly really sincerely wish to know how you are. I am not sure why, but they ask 'how are you' in a different way. It is almost like they are realising that it generally doesn't mean much, but in our case, living with cancer, most people actually expect and wait to get the answer. If they haven't seen me in a while (like my work colleagues, business colleagues, brief friends etc), they ask that same question my partner: 'How is Tina?' over and over again. Some every day, others weekly... He gets quite tired answering and his usual answer is 'Good'

As for myself, it is not that simple. The simple answer 'Good' is just not enough.

Very early this year, soon after my secondary diagnosis, I have made a decision of being truly honest to myself in the way I feel. And once you are honest to yourself, you find it is quite complicated and simple 'good', 'not bad', 'not too good' etc just wouldn't do for an answer.

Living with my type of cancer, which is metastasised in the bones, is a painful experience. So automatically, you are never really good (basically never as good as I felt 18months ago when I was super fit and full of energy). At least not good in a physical sense.
There are days I feel horribly in pain and then there are days (like today) straight after acupuncture when the pain is minimal and the painkillers I am on actually are doing their job just fine. Yet I physically feel stiff, weak, inflexible and slow.

But luckily there is much more to how we feel than just a physical aspect. There are also emotional and mental well beings. And in those two, I very often feel much better than I've ever felt before.
If I compare my mental and emotional present feeling to 18 months ago, it is almost like I am a different person. I now generally feel at peace, filled with clarity, confidence and love to life, myself and people near me. Although tired, I am generally happy and content. And when I get upset, it is a very superficial feeling that passes quickly and not the deep seeded anger that used to consume me and made me dwell in it for hours.
When I feel doubts or fears or any other unpleasant emotions, they seem to be sensed and recognised creeping out from somewhere in the back corner and dealt with way before they completely take me over, like they used to.

Practising being honest to myself has tought me the real meaning of being positive. Because only when you are honest to yourself, you recognise those 'unpleasant' emotions early enough to deal with them in a positive manner and don't let them to completely consume you.

Another pact I did with myself early this year is to completely open to myself, the universe and to selected people around me. It feels so good!

So next time you meet me or call me and ask me: 'How are you today?', you might get the honest & open answer which might sound something like this:
'Generally, I am quite well, thank you. Physically, I am in pain, today around my lower back, not much, but it's still there. I do feel quite weak, very inflexible and stiff though, but emotionally content, with a lot of mental clarity on what to do next. But mostly, I am very excited about an early family dinner catch up later on.'

And 'How are you?'

I wish for GREEN to be the new PINK

October, the month of 'Pink Ribbon' for breast cancer awareness is finished.
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........

Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.

The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc

All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.

Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....

It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....

Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.

But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.

The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.

And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!

There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :

• change of diet to unprocessed, fresh, high alkaline, vegan / plant based
• no sugar, salt, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine
• freshly squeezed vegetable juices and / or smoothies
• meditation
• acceptance and love of life

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.

Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.

So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!

Life Is Beautiful

Funny how our moods change, our minds play up and send us such different massages, day in, day out....

It's a beautiful day today! I feel so happy. I appreciate each and every moment of my existance.

It makes me wonder what triggered the cancer thoughts to go on vacations?

Is it the meditation I managed to consistently practice for the past few days (although I fell asleep 15 minutes in - every time)?
Or is it a visit to my 'Guru', which filled me up with new energy, gave me the clarity into the next couple of month of healing journey?
Perhaps it is a lovely hour spent with my Yoga Teacher, a very wise and interesting woman with amazing stories and great energies?
Maybe it's my daughter, who has been in an extremly joyfull mood for the past couple of days....
Or the beginning of spring?

Whatever it is, it is in me, it feels great and I am not letting it go! I will be holding onto this feeling, embrace it completely and nurture it as long as possible - never mind the lumps, cracked ribs, muscle spasms...
I am content, I am in a great place, filled with peace and clarity.

Life is beautiful!

Fight against cancer? Or is it?

As a person living with cancer, I can tell the world, it is not a battle, or a fight! It is a life with cancer. Life out of comfort zone, greatly, way out!
Battle is negative, so is fight. Life is not, or at least, it shouldn't be. Life is beautiful, and we shouldn't give cancer the power to change that.
Cancer is a disease. It is a state you are in either temporarly, short term, long term or forever.

I can't talk in the name of all, but I can tell you I am not in the fight nor a battle against it.
I accept the disease, I am actively involved in managing it, hopefully getting rid of it in the nearest possible future, but I am not fighting. No, I am not being hostile or angry. In fact, I am quite opposite. I am learning to be and stay as positive as possible. And I am doing it with love.

I do get slightly annoyed when people describe someone dying of cancer as 'losing the battle'. What does that mean? Is he / she a loser?

I like to think it is a choice of each individual to accept it or not, making decisions on life or death. Consciously or subconsciously.

Cancer is an extremly difficult and complex, multifactorial disease. When associated with pain (which is often the case), is even harder. To keep up hope, belief of getting better one day, the determination, discipline and mostly love to life, which are to my opinion essentials for survival, it is an extremly hard job. And the journey is life long and very unpredictable.
Unfortunately, there is still a general belief in the world that cancer kills, which causes enormous fear. And fear is the one that usually kills, not cancer.
To top it all up, there is the conventional medicine with their statistics, which often cement the fear and take away hope in many cases. And so many people start believing they have a 'terminal' cancer, a year, or even just few months to live etc and before you know it they fall into the statistics and die.
But yet I wouldn't describe it as 'losing the battle'. I prefer to describe it as letting go, finding peace, which is what happens in either surviving or dying anyway. It is very often much easier to find peace in death and there is absolutely nothing negative about it.

I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law. She (as well as most of the world) desperately wants the world to find the 'cure for cancer' and wonders why it hasn't happened yet. It's all in best intention.
The fantastically amazing good news is - there is a cure for cancer!
It is just that the common world doesn't see it or believe it, as it doesn't come in one little pill. And it never will! It is an extremly complex disease which can only be treated hollistically.
There is no easy way out. And it is extremly difficult to embrace such state, learn to love to live with it, take control and change your life accordingly.

So, yes, that's why I dislike the frases like 'battle and/or fight against cancer', because it's got absolutely nothing to do with that. It's all about acceptance, embrace and finally, love.

Wish me good luck!

The Feeling Of Scared

There it is... The feeling of being scared is back.
It's been a while.
I am to acknowledge the feeling, embrace it, and then move on to a peaceful place.

So I am acknowledging it.

It is not a nice feeling. I can feel it in the chest, slightly short in breath, chatterbox on full volume in my head... 'What if' seems to be the most popular beginning of the questions forming in my mind:
What if I'm wrong?
What if I won't ever feel better?
What if I am going to be feeling more and more pain again?
What if all the lumps in my body start growing bigger and bigger?
What if I'm disillusioned seeing myself healthy in near future?
What if I am still in a denial?
What if I die in few years???

I love my daughter so much. There is no way in the world (or the whole universe) I would ever want to leave her. She is most amazing.
I love myself, too. But, do I love myself enough? Do I love myself enough to get my act together and get back into the routine I know it's most important on my healing journey? The routine of daily practice that brings me 'the peace of mind'... It's all right there in front of me, ready to be done... It's just that, for some reason, I have fallen into this 'I need a break' mode.
I need a break???!!!!??? What the...?!? What kind of break? A break from contentment? A break from 'peace of mind'?

Obviously, it is hard work to sustain the contentment, that's why there are so many miserable people walking around the world.
It is a constant, sometimes more than once daily, practice. It took me at least a couple of weeks to start feeling positive effects. And it took me about two weeks without practice to start feeling negative effects.

The time is NOW!
It is now, that I am to stop, take few deep breaths and keep still for 20 minutes of peace and quite. But, will I? My mind is playing up....
Here I am, writing the post instead.

All of a sudden, as 'the feeling of scared' was acknowledged, I am starting to embrace it!
I'll keep lovingly embracing it for a while longer.

I know it's healthy to feel scared sometimes, and I know it's OK to feel sorry for myself for having such serious disease. I know everyone gets scared sometimes, especially scared of death.

I also know I do love myself enough to get back into my so needed and loved state of contentment. And I am feeling blessed and very grateful to have the knowledge and all of the tools necessary to achieve it, over and over again.
But in times when fear creeps up out of the deepest dungeon, I wish I had someone to accompany me, perhaps hold my hand, whisper in my ear quietly and lovingly, hold me tight and lead me there, where I need to go...
However I do know it is my very own personal journey, which only I alone can travel, to reach my goal of perfect health - in my mind, body and soul!

Winter Is Over

What huge few months I've just lived through!

Bones are full of cancer, lymph nodes got few new tumors and even my brain's got few tumors!
I had numerous radiotherapy sessions to ease my pain, a brain surgery to remove the biggest tumor at the back of my head - above my neck, and I underwent the 'gamma knife treatment' for other few (4) little tumors in my brain.

Not sure where to start...

The horrid pain I went through I suppose, which made me visit my Radio Oncologist. He appointed me to the Palliative Care team to give me painkillers for short term relief and prescribed numerous sessions of radiotherapy for long term relief.
Both worked well, although I was quite drugged there for a while trying to find the right type and dose of painkillers.
I remember at one instance I was so drugged, I was afraid / paranoid to leave the house or have any contact with outside world. But I felt pain-free and quite happy.... That being 15 years ago, I would have appreciated it. Not at present though.
Radiotherapy was quite smooth sailing, apart from the last part, when they decided to give me a week's dose in an hour, aimed through my stomach to mid spine and made me sicker vomiting than I have ever been in my life before. Back to the hospital I went on the same night, got some extra drugs and felt better.

Thinking about it now, I could describe half of my winter as being on some seriously heavy drugs.
They included steroids as well, which made me hungry and I ate a lot! Still healthy 'raw' type food though, sticking to my new lifestyle.

These days, I allow myself to have a once a month 'whatever you want to eat' day and I usually end up having some lovely lean organic beef. I also let myself have a little bit of (lowest in salt) cheese and quite a lot of dark chocolate (organic raw vegan friendly style).

Next on the list was the brain surgery!
I met up with neurosurgeon to discuss the procedure. I didn't really want to know the details, nor possible complications. All I wanted to find out was what kind of person he is, how his energies are and what music (if any) he listens to while operating. I was very pleased with him, especially after finding out that him and his team are big fans of U2... Being a huge fan myself, I ordered U2 to be on the playlist during my surgery... And no negatives to be spoken.
I was a bit nervous, I must say, but reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel really helped me to stay positive, learn to be an 'exceptional' patient and  fully trust the process and the Universe.
It was the perfect book to be read and I highly recommend it to anyone facing a serious illness or any medical procedures.
I came to the hospital positively charged and 100% ready. I truly did feel like an 'exceptional' patient. Especially after the surgery went so well that I ended up being discharged in 3 days - a day prior to the best possible predicted outcome.
The surgery left me with 21 staples down the back of my head.

Next on the list was the very expensive, new and the only one available in the whole of Australia  'Gamma Knife Treatment'. It is a laser surgery / radiotherapy, without incision, ran by the team of doctors (including Radio Oncologist and Neurosurgeon) and done in a MRI looking machine. It only lasts few hours, no overnight hospital stay, you can play your own music (so I prepared the 'Gamma Knife' playlist on my iPhone), but most importantly, there are no side effects, no hair loss.... The only downside was the steel frame they 'installed' onto my head, which left me with lots of bruising and a very obvious black eye, which hadn't gone away for a couple of weeks.

It's over now.
The weather is getting warmer, bruising is gone, drugs are reduced to minimum, my head is well healed, bold spots covered with fresh growing hair... Spring is near.

I had this amazing powerful feeling the other day. I felt totally empowered.
"I am amazing!" I thought to myself, "I've had a brain surgery! I am surviving a very serious advanced cancer! And I feel fantastic!"

Bring on the SPRING!

I Don't Want To Die

'I don't want to die' was my first thought back in early February 2008, when a surgeon confirmed the lump in my breast is an aggressive cancer!

No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....

I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.

2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.

It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.

Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.

Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!

Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!