Very wise quote by Henry Ford. It made me think, many times... And every time I agreed to it, strongly.
I had a full body bone scan yesterday. Results reviewed by my Doctor today. The results were 'kind of' neutral. I say neutral, because they weren't really much worse than a year ago, which in the 'advanced cancer terms' means good.
Well, bad news is, that even after chemo, there still are 30+ tumors showing in the bones pretty much all over my body: scull, neck, one of the shoulders, all over ribs, lower spine, mid spine, upper spine, both hips, pelvis, down both legs.... yes, all over.
However, they are not new. They have been there for well over a year, they haven't grown and many of them are possibly shrinking.
The above news can easily be taken with a huge disappointment and negativity. I could easily make myself feel sad, angry, scared, doubtful, full of 'what ifs' etc. And possibly make myself spiral into the darkness and depression.
But I choose not to.
I take the news as positive. Very much so.
There is no talk about my organs being affected, which is great. No talk about being worse, or that chemotherapy is not working, or that there are no more treatments left etc.
My pain level is much better than a month ago, which is fantastic. I am reducing the painkillers again, yay! I feel quite well, energetic. Physically much better than 6 months ago, much stronger, too. Mentally, I am filled with clarity on what to do next. Spiritually, I am content and with deeply seeded trust and belief that all is unfolding perfectly.
It is all in the mind, isn't it? We make choices every single moment of our life. We are blessed with being absolutely free to decide on pretty much everything: what we eat, what we wear, what we say, what we think, how we feel... Every moment of every single day. It is completely up to us. And it is all in our head (or wherever the mind might be hidden...). Our mind is such an amazingly powerful tool.
A negative outlook vs a positive outlook. Both extremely powerful. So different, complete opposites, but yet both 100% right. Can you see that?
How about you? Which outlook do you decide to follow?
Showing posts with label peace of mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace of mind. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Dear 16 year old me!
As you are all curled up in bed, completely lost in the darkness of it all, feeling totally alone, small and fragile, full of nothingness, but yet overfilled by such powerful unpleasant and confused emotions of rage and angst and totally consumed by hatred... hatred to the world around you and to yourself...
I wish I could've been there with you! I would have been holding you tight, comfort you and tell you that
- the world is so much bigger than your small 'home'
- you will go out there and explore the world and yes, you will find a place you love, a place where you feel safe and where you feel at home
- your life is so precious, this is just a stage, although a 10 years long stage, but it will pass, eventually
- the first love is nothing but a stepping stone towards the real love, which, yes, you will find in your early thirties
- the 'family' is not there to stay and haunt you through your life...
- you will be an independent adult before you know & you will leave your broken home and cut the circle of abuse and violence
- you are not alone in this world... there are many people who love you and will support you through whatever happens
- you will experience most amazing things, see & visit most amazing places, and meet many amazing people
- you will find happiness, love and contentment
- you will stop hating and learn to forgive
- you will feel loved, fulfilled, joyous, carefree and sometimes even exceptional
No matter how hard it seems, no matter how dark it seems, it is not that way. You are only 16 years old, baby, you have been unwanted, abandoned, unloved and abused...
It is extremely hard to see it, but believe me, Tina, there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how difficult it all seems, as time passes, it does get easier. It really is just a stage, a stage that has been going on for a very long time and started way before you were able to act on it. You were only a child then, Tina! A young, innocent child, who, by no means could have known how to defend herself.
But the great news is, you are learning the lesson, which is going to help you enormously in your future.
Life is not all rosy, as you know, and it continuously throws many challenges at you. One of them will come in the peak of your newly found happiness, when you are a new mother of most amazing little girl. You will get cancer.
And yet again you will get filled with anger and fear, resentment and guilt.
Until, at 37, the cancer returns and the most miraculous thing happens.
This time, as you face the death, something changes. You make a conscious decision to choose life. It's you, Tina, with your strength you have gathered through those many past years of suffering. It all did happen for a reason.
As you are now facing, for many people, the biggest challenge ever, it doesn't seem that way to you. It is just another challenge.
But this time, you are an adult. You are strong and you feel strong. You love and you feel loved. You are focused, determined and at ease with it. You love who you've become and therefore you love yourself. You have an enormous reason to live, you are a mother... You feel loved, safe and secure. There is no room for anger nor fear left in you....
Life is oh so precious. And you know it and therefore you live it. You truly live it, and you are at peace.
The good news is, you are only turning 39 at present and you've got many years ahead.
Keep practicing mindfulness, day in, day out, and all will be well.
Love x
Tina
I wish I could've been there with you! I would have been holding you tight, comfort you and tell you that
- the world is so much bigger than your small 'home'
- you will go out there and explore the world and yes, you will find a place you love, a place where you feel safe and where you feel at home
- your life is so precious, this is just a stage, although a 10 years long stage, but it will pass, eventually
- the first love is nothing but a stepping stone towards the real love, which, yes, you will find in your early thirties
- the 'family' is not there to stay and haunt you through your life...
- you will be an independent adult before you know & you will leave your broken home and cut the circle of abuse and violence
- you are not alone in this world... there are many people who love you and will support you through whatever happens
- you will experience most amazing things, see & visit most amazing places, and meet many amazing people
- you will find happiness, love and contentment
- you will stop hating and learn to forgive
- you will feel loved, fulfilled, joyous, carefree and sometimes even exceptional
No matter how hard it seems, no matter how dark it seems, it is not that way. You are only 16 years old, baby, you have been unwanted, abandoned, unloved and abused...
It is extremely hard to see it, but believe me, Tina, there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how difficult it all seems, as time passes, it does get easier. It really is just a stage, a stage that has been going on for a very long time and started way before you were able to act on it. You were only a child then, Tina! A young, innocent child, who, by no means could have known how to defend herself.
But the great news is, you are learning the lesson, which is going to help you enormously in your future.
Life is not all rosy, as you know, and it continuously throws many challenges at you. One of them will come in the peak of your newly found happiness, when you are a new mother of most amazing little girl. You will get cancer.
And yet again you will get filled with anger and fear, resentment and guilt.
Until, at 37, the cancer returns and the most miraculous thing happens.
This time, as you face the death, something changes. You make a conscious decision to choose life. It's you, Tina, with your strength you have gathered through those many past years of suffering. It all did happen for a reason.
As you are now facing, for many people, the biggest challenge ever, it doesn't seem that way to you. It is just another challenge.
But this time, you are an adult. You are strong and you feel strong. You love and you feel loved. You are focused, determined and at ease with it. You love who you've become and therefore you love yourself. You have an enormous reason to live, you are a mother... You feel loved, safe and secure. There is no room for anger nor fear left in you....
Life is oh so precious. And you know it and therefore you live it. You truly live it, and you are at peace.
The good news is, you are only turning 39 at present and you've got many years ahead.
Keep practicing mindfulness, day in, day out, and all will be well.
Love x
Tina
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am In A Good Place
Too often I get: 'Oh Tina, I am so sorry for you...' kind of statement from an acquaintance or a dear friend.
Lots of comparing, too, like 'I got this horrid cold / flu / gastro, nothing like you though...'
or 'Been crazy at work, way too busy, too stressful, but nothing compared to what you're going through...'
Can I please ask you all to STOP comparing!
I am in a good place.
I know how you feel. I seriously get it. I can remember, I've been there. I can still (even if only just) vaguely feel it all over my body, mostly in my chest and tummy, that unpleasant feeling of tightness, shortness of breath, stress, feeling of being trapped... Or that other feeling of being so unwell from cold or flu, that you can't get out of bed, feeling weak, one moment hot and sweaty, next moment cold and shaky... Or when your throat is so bad you can't swallow anything but a luke warm tea perhaps... Or the self inflicted sicknesses like when you had too much to drink and spend the whole night in the bathroom....Or when you picked up some gastro somewhere....
It is a horrible feeling! Horrible and horrible again. Especially when you have no time to rest (because of deadlines at work) or have no knowledge on how to handle it within you.
That feeling of constant inner stress (if repeated for lengthy periods of time), is what (to my opinion) causes serious critical illnesses such as cancer and / or many others.
All of the above are symptoms, a bit like warning signs from your physical body telling you to slow down, take a break. A rest. Time out. Perhaps take a nice relaxing holiday, respect your body, nurture it, love it... Make it feel better.
But unfortunately, more often than not, we instead pop few pills, perhaps give ourselves a day to recover, when we literally can not move, and then back to the action... Back to the busyness, stress, hobbies, parties, especially this time of the year.
Well, that was me, anyway...
Since my secondary diagnosis (it was 1 year anniversary yesterday), I have been on a healing journey.
Quite funny really, as I had a few most important projects still to finish at work last year before my 'end of year' deadline, but I had to see the Doctor because of my incapacitating back pain. I took a day off and after X - Ray results showed cancer had returned, my work disappeared from the priority list completely, totally, 100%. In fact, I have not worked from the office since 13th December 2010. A day before my diagnosis.
So, how important the job really was?
What is it that is truly important?
For me, right there and then, at the Doctor's suite delivering the news of 'cancer has returned', the only most important thing was life. Life, including my young family - my daughter, my partner and myself.
In my personal experience, that was it. As if the whole wide world (including all my other family members and dear friends) just completely disappeared.... Right there and then, in that moment of existence, there was only myself, being alive and well, with and for my daughter and my beautiful loving man. For that instant, absolutely nothing else mattered nor existed. It pretty much went blank.
It was a huge awakening.
And it was good. Priorities have since been so clear, there is no chance to ever un-see them again.
Right then, on 14th Dec 2010, with all the stresses of my past, going way back to my early childhood, the present lifestyle and the cancer diagnosis, I was in a very deep and dark place. In a place, where for few days I felt totally hopeless and seriously didn't see the way out. I had felt like I have completely lost control of life and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it...
Luckily, I found the book that opened my eyes, filled me with hope and I was able to climb out of that deep dark abyss and into the light, seeing there was future and it can be bright.
And so my healing journey started.
Comparing myself, my well being and the place I am at now, to the place I have been for many years in my past, it's literally like day and night. It is so different, I find it extremely difficult to put it into words.
I can try to describe the current place as the place of peace of mind, emotional stability, contentment, existence without stress, lots of clarity, obvious and vivid priorities; the future that is laid in front of me like a huge circle with million possibilities and not just one single path or perhaps a couple; the belief of trust and certainty that all really and truly is unfolding perfectly...
Never mind the lumps and fractures in my body, there is so much more than physical bodies.... It's the wholeness of ourselves. It's our mind, emotions, spiritualism, soul.
They all are to be attended to and have a special place in our existence, as it's only when they all are in balance and harmony, one as human being can truly be whole & complete, which leads to that ultimate state of contentment that most of us are striving to achieve...
So next time you're tempted to compare yourself with someone with some sort of serious disease, stop yourself and have a think ... Where am I at - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
As for me, although I physically am the most fragile and weak I have been in my life, I'm undergoing numerous treatments to improve that one part of my existence, but I truly am in a better than ever place before - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am at peace.
Lots of comparing, too, like 'I got this horrid cold / flu / gastro, nothing like you though...'
or 'Been crazy at work, way too busy, too stressful, but nothing compared to what you're going through...'
Can I please ask you all to STOP comparing!
I am in a good place.
I know how you feel. I seriously get it. I can remember, I've been there. I can still (even if only just) vaguely feel it all over my body, mostly in my chest and tummy, that unpleasant feeling of tightness, shortness of breath, stress, feeling of being trapped... Or that other feeling of being so unwell from cold or flu, that you can't get out of bed, feeling weak, one moment hot and sweaty, next moment cold and shaky... Or when your throat is so bad you can't swallow anything but a luke warm tea perhaps... Or the self inflicted sicknesses like when you had too much to drink and spend the whole night in the bathroom....Or when you picked up some gastro somewhere....
It is a horrible feeling! Horrible and horrible again. Especially when you have no time to rest (because of deadlines at work) or have no knowledge on how to handle it within you.
That feeling of constant inner stress (if repeated for lengthy periods of time), is what (to my opinion) causes serious critical illnesses such as cancer and / or many others.
All of the above are symptoms, a bit like warning signs from your physical body telling you to slow down, take a break. A rest. Time out. Perhaps take a nice relaxing holiday, respect your body, nurture it, love it... Make it feel better.
But unfortunately, more often than not, we instead pop few pills, perhaps give ourselves a day to recover, when we literally can not move, and then back to the action... Back to the busyness, stress, hobbies, parties, especially this time of the year.
Well, that was me, anyway...
Since my secondary diagnosis (it was 1 year anniversary yesterday), I have been on a healing journey.
Quite funny really, as I had a few most important projects still to finish at work last year before my 'end of year' deadline, but I had to see the Doctor because of my incapacitating back pain. I took a day off and after X - Ray results showed cancer had returned, my work disappeared from the priority list completely, totally, 100%. In fact, I have not worked from the office since 13th December 2010. A day before my diagnosis.
So, how important the job really was?
What is it that is truly important?
For me, right there and then, at the Doctor's suite delivering the news of 'cancer has returned', the only most important thing was life. Life, including my young family - my daughter, my partner and myself.
In my personal experience, that was it. As if the whole wide world (including all my other family members and dear friends) just completely disappeared.... Right there and then, in that moment of existence, there was only myself, being alive and well, with and for my daughter and my beautiful loving man. For that instant, absolutely nothing else mattered nor existed. It pretty much went blank.
It was a huge awakening.
And it was good. Priorities have since been so clear, there is no chance to ever un-see them again.
Right then, on 14th Dec 2010, with all the stresses of my past, going way back to my early childhood, the present lifestyle and the cancer diagnosis, I was in a very deep and dark place. In a place, where for few days I felt totally hopeless and seriously didn't see the way out. I had felt like I have completely lost control of life and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it...
Luckily, I found the book that opened my eyes, filled me with hope and I was able to climb out of that deep dark abyss and into the light, seeing there was future and it can be bright.
And so my healing journey started.
Comparing myself, my well being and the place I am at now, to the place I have been for many years in my past, it's literally like day and night. It is so different, I find it extremely difficult to put it into words.
I can try to describe the current place as the place of peace of mind, emotional stability, contentment, existence without stress, lots of clarity, obvious and vivid priorities; the future that is laid in front of me like a huge circle with million possibilities and not just one single path or perhaps a couple; the belief of trust and certainty that all really and truly is unfolding perfectly...
Never mind the lumps and fractures in my body, there is so much more than physical bodies.... It's the wholeness of ourselves. It's our mind, emotions, spiritualism, soul.
They all are to be attended to and have a special place in our existence, as it's only when they all are in balance and harmony, one as human being can truly be whole & complete, which leads to that ultimate state of contentment that most of us are striving to achieve...
So next time you're tempted to compare yourself with someone with some sort of serious disease, stop yourself and have a think ... Where am I at - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
As for me, although I physically am the most fragile and weak I have been in my life, I'm undergoing numerous treatments to improve that one part of my existence, but I truly am in a better than ever place before - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am at peace.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
'Meditation' or 'How I Discovered My New Best Friend'
If you are anything I used to be just over a year ago, your thoughts, excuses and opinions on meditation may sound a bit like these:
My first experience with meditation goes back some 8 years ago when I started practicing yoga. We were having 45 min of a very strong, dynamic moving, active astanga vinyasa style session, followed by only 5-10 min of led relaxation meditation to finish. Those last 5 min seemed to last forever.... I was lying there, all sweaty and pumped after an excellent workout, with my mind going 100km/h. Couldn't wait for the 'yogi' bell to come up to finish the session, hurrying back to the busyness of the day. There was a great feeling I was left with, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the perfect balance that yoga is supposed to be all about. I felt hyper active, pumped, but somehow relaxed, clean, flexible and light moving. In the 8 years of active yoga practice, I unfortunately didn't get much of a deeper mental or spiritual benefit at all... It was almost solely physical experience.
I found myself reading the first book at the very beginning of this particular journey - You Can Conquer Cancer by Dr. Ian Gawler (the founder of The Gawler Foundation) and it all started to unfold. The puzzle to re-build my new self, my new life in perfect health, was right there in front of me and I discovered tools that can be of enormous help.
One of those most important tools is MEDITATION.
Right there, during Christmas Holiday, on the beautiful Castaway Island of Fiji, I started to see and plan my future, my upcoming 'healing journey'. I began to understand the importance of meditation for the peace of mind.
Having cancer is one of the easiest, most guilt free or accusation free 'excuses' to be depressed, lose the will to live, the desire to ever change, to see positives, or just to simply even see the future... No one will ever say anything bad about you if you suddenly let yourself go depressed or caught in some extreme emotion of any way, while diagnosed with a potentially terminal, definitely life threatening disease such as cancer. Especially advanced cancer, with the very poor prognosis of (in some cases) only 3-6 months left to live. Everyone is there for you to make whatever left of your life easier and to support you with whichever step you may choose to take next.
So, no wonder many people go for 'living it up' lifestyle, filled with alcohol, party, junk food, busy and in a hurry to live while still alive, rushing through the 'bucket lists'.... Or the complete opposite of giving in, letting be sick and sooner, rather than later, let yourself go to rest in peace...
But, is that really what's all about? Are there really only these two choices?
Why, yes, for many there are, but I found myself in a very different position. I actually decided to get well again. And to do everything I possibly can, use all the tools available to help me achieve that. Meditation was one of the first tools I came across.
There are many types of meditation, for many purposes: relaxation for peace of mind and clarity, stillness, mindfulness, awareness for being present in the moment, imagery and visualization exercises...
They are all amazing, very beneficial and they actually all work in some kind of way. All you have to do is firstly open yourself to experimenting and commit to practice regularly. If you are well, you might only need as little as 10 min daily to start feeling benefits (in as short time as 2 weeks) and if you suffer from any of the life threatening or chronic conditions, you may need (or perhaps want) anywhere between half an hour to three hours daily, depending on many different circumstances.
Myself, being diagnosed with a seriously life threatening disease, and with a deep seeded belief of 'can not meditate', I decided to commit and scheduled in 3 half hour sessions a day in the first couple months of my 'healing journey'.
I also bought few guided meditation CDs, found myself an experienced meditation teacher, local meditation workshops and a local community based meditation group for once weekly 'meditation group' practice.
When I first started, it was hard, long and messy. I lay or sat there 3 x a day and tried not to think. But the more I tried, the more thoughts came flooding through my brain. So I tried to concentrate on one particular point. In my case was the black space in front of my closed eyes. It was nice to find nothing was there. Just that blankness of it made me feel good and slightly relaxed.
As I spoke to my meditation teacher, I learned that there was no such thing as 'stop thinking'. That came as a huge and very welcome piece of information. All of a sudden the pressure of trying not to think has lifted.
'Wow, I can actually keep thinking!' I thought, 'That is great!'
And once I realised that, I pretty much stopped stressing about thoughts popping into my head. Every thought that arises, has since been welcome to arise, and off it goes away.... Without judgement, without attachment. And all of a sudden, there is no stress attached to it. Such a simple thing, yet such an enormous and fulfilling progress.
That was my first step in forming a very solid friendship with the meditation. No more stressing... It didn't leave me stressed or irritated anymore, but instead much calmer, relaxed, with a good peace of mind and some clarity.
I tried to read few books on meditation, but my 'boring' mind started kicking in.... No, I am not a very keen reader. My relationship with meditation is much more exciting when put into practice.
But I did find (and I still do) guided meditation CDs very useful. Some of my very favourite CDs are Mindfulness Meditation with Paul & Maia Bedson and I can never go past Dr. Ian Gawler, his PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) and The Healing Journey. They are all available from www.gawler.org. And no, I am not sponsored by The Gawler Foundation, I just sincerely love their work, am their great fan and I am so very thankful to have found them. They have indeed played a major part on my healing journey.
Anyhow, that's my precious new friend, the meditation. I can not imagine my life without it anymore.
It's always there, with me.... Wherever I am, wherever I go. Whenever. Now, later, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere. It is a part of me now. It is the part, which I've never really known existed, the part I used to call 'boring' or perhaps the part that I, for some reason, chose to ignore. That very special part, somewhere deep within me, the calm, the stillness, the quite, peace, contentment.... And it's always there, easily accessible with my new best friend - the meditation.
- I know I should, but it's not for me
- I know it's beneficial, but I can't do it
- I'm just not good at meditating
- I don't have time
- How boring is it to do nothing
- I just can't meditate
- I can't stop thinking
Than, in December 2010, the diagnosis of advanced breast cancer that had spread into my spine, slapped me across the face. It was harsh. Very very harsh. It was the closest near death experience I've ever felt.
But it wasn't all bad, as it woke up the desire to change and brought up the need to heal. The very strong need, which was hidden somewhere deep inside of me.I found myself reading the first book at the very beginning of this particular journey - You Can Conquer Cancer by Dr. Ian Gawler (the founder of The Gawler Foundation) and it all started to unfold. The puzzle to re-build my new self, my new life in perfect health, was right there in front of me and I discovered tools that can be of enormous help.
One of those most important tools is MEDITATION.
Having cancer is one of the easiest, most guilt free or accusation free 'excuses' to be depressed, lose the will to live, the desire to ever change, to see positives, or just to simply even see the future... No one will ever say anything bad about you if you suddenly let yourself go depressed or caught in some extreme emotion of any way, while diagnosed with a potentially terminal, definitely life threatening disease such as cancer. Especially advanced cancer, with the very poor prognosis of (in some cases) only 3-6 months left to live. Everyone is there for you to make whatever left of your life easier and to support you with whichever step you may choose to take next.
So, no wonder many people go for 'living it up' lifestyle, filled with alcohol, party, junk food, busy and in a hurry to live while still alive, rushing through the 'bucket lists'.... Or the complete opposite of giving in, letting be sick and sooner, rather than later, let yourself go to rest in peace...
Why, yes, for many there are, but I found myself in a very different position. I actually decided to get well again. And to do everything I possibly can, use all the tools available to help me achieve that. Meditation was one of the first tools I came across.
They are all amazing, very beneficial and they actually all work in some kind of way. All you have to do is firstly open yourself to experimenting and commit to practice regularly. If you are well, you might only need as little as 10 min daily to start feeling benefits (in as short time as 2 weeks) and if you suffer from any of the life threatening or chronic conditions, you may need (or perhaps want) anywhere between half an hour to three hours daily, depending on many different circumstances.
Myself, being diagnosed with a seriously life threatening disease, and with a deep seeded belief of 'can not meditate', I decided to commit and scheduled in 3 half hour sessions a day in the first couple months of my 'healing journey'.
I also bought few guided meditation CDs, found myself an experienced meditation teacher, local meditation workshops and a local community based meditation group for once weekly 'meditation group' practice.
As I spoke to my meditation teacher, I learned that there was no such thing as 'stop thinking'. That came as a huge and very welcome piece of information. All of a sudden the pressure of trying not to think has lifted.
'Wow, I can actually keep thinking!' I thought, 'That is great!'
And once I realised that, I pretty much stopped stressing about thoughts popping into my head. Every thought that arises, has since been welcome to arise, and off it goes away.... Without judgement, without attachment. And all of a sudden, there is no stress attached to it. Such a simple thing, yet such an enormous and fulfilling progress.
That was my first step in forming a very solid friendship with the meditation. No more stressing... It didn't leave me stressed or irritated anymore, but instead much calmer, relaxed, with a good peace of mind and some clarity.
I tried to read few books on meditation, but my 'boring' mind started kicking in.... No, I am not a very keen reader. My relationship with meditation is much more exciting when put into practice.
But I did find (and I still do) guided meditation CDs very useful. Some of my very favourite CDs are Mindfulness Meditation with Paul & Maia Bedson and I can never go past Dr. Ian Gawler, his PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) and The Healing Journey. They are all available from www.gawler.org. And no, I am not sponsored by The Gawler Foundation, I just sincerely love their work, am their great fan and I am so very thankful to have found them. They have indeed played a major part on my healing journey.
Anyhow, that's my precious new friend, the meditation. I can not imagine my life without it anymore.
It's always there, with me.... Wherever I am, wherever I go. Whenever. Now, later, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere. It is a part of me now. It is the part, which I've never really known existed, the part I used to call 'boring' or perhaps the part that I, for some reason, chose to ignore. That very special part, somewhere deep within me, the calm, the stillness, the quite, peace, contentment.... And it's always there, easily accessible with my new best friend - the meditation.
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