Just Another Hiccup? Perhaps.

I've lived through few weeks filled with horrid pain, yet again. And last week there was a little bit of history repeating...
Honestly, I wish it wasn't.
All I want is to be well. My greatest wish of all is to wake up one morning, open my eyes and while assessing my well being while still in bed, realizing my body has no aches, no pains, feeling well and strong and healthy. Get out of bed with no physical effort, light footed, and walk out of the bedroom well balanced, light and full of life.
Just, simply, to wake up feeling well.

I used to see myself being physically well all the time, even over the past year since living with cancer. But my vision is getting a bit blurry at the moment. And I must confess that my strong attitude has been weakened after the last, yet another unpleasant incident of waking up in agony and almost being unable to move. Yet again I had to call palliative care unit while still in bed, my GP and my radio oncologist. And yet again I was adviced to get an ambulance to take me to emergency ...
Honestly, it absolutely sucks.
All I want is to be well. Is that too much to ask?

It's been about 18 months on this journey now. And wow, what a journey!
I am mostly pleased with my life, I must say. I don't really have regrets. I appreciate all the lifestyle changes I have made. And all the changes in me that have taken place. I appreciate them all and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I definitely am a much better person, with way more peace and contentment, clarity, empathy, ...
But I am getting tired. So tired. Tired of being physically unwell. Tired of feeling the way I used to imagine to be feeling when I'm in my 80s and not at my age. Tired of bouncing moods caused by all the drugs I'm on... They just don't fit into my new found 'organic' lifestyle.
I know many things I'm going through emotionally at the moment are caused purely by drugs, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is the way I feel. And I don't feel right at the moment. I am in this moment, yes, and there are many things I greatly appreciate, but I can not ignore the ones I greatly dislike. There are just a few too many.

I often think of my beautiful daughter. She is only 5 years old. So young, but yet so in tune with what is going on. Every time she puts on her 5 year old behavior and if I am unwell or I let her know I'm in pain, she changes her act straight away. Instead, she runs to me, gives me a huge, honest hug, cuddles me and kisses me and says: mummy I love you. Or: oh mummy, I wish you were well already...
She is so precious, and she is the main reason and my main motivation to keep going and to pull out the whatever strength there is left somewhere inside of me, even when there's a moment when I am running on empty.

How about you? Who is your main motivation?