Dear 16 year old me!

As you are all curled up in bed, completely lost in the darkness of it all, feeling totally alone, small and fragile, full of nothingness, but yet overfilled by such powerful unpleasant and confused emotions of rage and angst and totally consumed by hatred... hatred to the world around you and to yourself...

I wish I could've been there with you! I would have been holding you tight, comfort you and tell you that
- the world is so much bigger than your small 'home'
- you will go out there and explore the world and yes, you will find a place you love, a place where you feel safe and where you feel at home
- your life is so precious, this is just a stage, although a 10 years long stage, but it will pass, eventually
- the first love is nothing but a stepping stone towards the real love, which, yes, you will find in your early thirties
- the 'family' is not there to stay and haunt you through your life...
- you will be an independent adult before you know & you will leave your broken home and cut the circle of abuse and violence
- you are not alone in this world... there are many people who love you and will support you through whatever happens
- you will experience most amazing things, see & visit most amazing places, and meet many amazing people
- you will find happiness, love and contentment
- you will stop hating and learn to forgive
- you will feel loved, fulfilled, joyous, carefree and sometimes even exceptional

No matter how hard it seems, no matter how dark it seems, it is not that way. You are only 16 years old, baby, you have been unwanted, abandoned, unloved and abused...
It is extremely hard to see it, but believe me, Tina, there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how difficult it all seems, as time passes, it does get easier. It really is just a stage, a stage that has been going on for a very long time and started way before you were able to act on it. You were only a child then, Tina! A young, innocent child, who, by no means could have known how to defend herself.

But the great news is, you are learning the lesson, which is going to help you enormously in your future.
Life is not all rosy, as you know, and it continuously throws many challenges at you. One of them will come in the peak of your newly found happiness, when you are a new mother of most amazing little girl. You will get cancer.

And yet again you will get filled with anger and fear, resentment and guilt.
Until, at 37, the cancer returns and the most miraculous thing happens.

This time, as you face the death, something changes. You make a conscious decision to choose life. It's you, Tina, with your strength you have gathered through those many past years of suffering. It all did happen for a reason.
As you are now facing, for many people, the biggest challenge ever, it doesn't seem that way to you. It is just another challenge.
But this time, you are an adult. You are strong and you feel strong. You love and you feel loved. You are focused, determined and at ease with it. You love who you've become and therefore you love yourself. You have an enormous reason to live, you are a mother... You feel loved, safe and secure. There is no room for anger nor fear left in you....
Life is oh so precious. And you know it and therefore you live it. You truly live it, and you are at peace.
The good news is, you are only turning 39 at present and you've got many years ahead.
Keep practicing mindfulness, day in, day out, and all will be well.

Love x
Tina