When you are faced with the diagnosis of advanced cancer (the cancer that has spread through different parts of the body), or any other seriously life threatening disease, hope is the one and only most important starting point. There is absolutely nothing without hope. No hope, no future.
When I heard my GP voicing the words: "I'm afraid the Xray results show the cancer has come back... " all went completely and absolutely blank. All. Everything disappeared and I was in a deep, empty, dark, black hole, nothing and no one with me, next to me, nor around me. I was in a total state of shock.
The one and only thing I remember to feel was an enormous fear. The fear of death. And an instant question arised: "how long before I die?"
I felt completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal.
Although always considering myself as a strong person with a solution to any problem thrown at me, at that very moment of the diagnosis, I was completely blank. Totally blinded by it. There was no answer, no solution, no potential plan, absolutely no hope...
All I could think of, when the initial shock settled slightly, was something to help me get through a week of pre-christmas celebrations we had lined up. So I asked my GP for sedatives.
Then, after few days of hazily and hopelessly wandering around under the influence of Valium, I decided to make a trip to the bookshop.
As I browsed through the shelves, a book called You Can Conquer Cancer jumped right out to my attention, and I decided to buy it.
The very next day we travelled to the beautiful Castaway Island in Fiji for our christmas holiday. I stopped taking Valium and started reading the book. It only took a page to fill me up with hope.
And there we are - HOPE!
Hope to me right then and there presented the shift of my feelings from being completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal, to:
- start seeing the little sparkle of possibility of survival
- getting answers to million questions
- seeing the path to possible solutions
- opening the options of numerous treatments available
- opportunity for an enormous lifestyle change
- finding the positives to lean on
- million reasons to keep believing in positives
- finding the strength to not give in to the prognosis
- determination to stick to my new healthy life-style change
- love to life, myself and to people around me
- and the list goes on
Hope made me get rid of fear and uncertainty about the future, and instead makes me dream, plan, start doing and keep focusing on the joys of living. It makes me see the future bright and clear, no matter what obstacles (and there are many on my journey) I encounter. With hope within me, I feel safe and certain that no matter what comes my way in the future, all will be well, always.
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