As I am sitting here on the couch, feeling mentally quite peaceful, but tired and not particularly centred, I can't help but notice my bloated belly popping out of my Tshirt...
And in this very moment, I feel I have enough.
This is just not me.
I am a petite, fit, toned and healthy looking 30 something, with thick sandy coloured wavy hair, lush eyelashes, well shaped eyebrows, big round eyes and an oval shaped face...
Not at the moment.
As I am approaching the end of a course of chemotherapy, my body hair has thinned drastically. My hair is 2/3 gone, so are my eyelashes and eyebrows...
Since I have been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer in the bone (spine, ribs & hips), which involves being in constant pain, I have lost all my muscle tone.
I used to love jogging and practicing yoga. I would jog at least 3 times a week and practiced yoga at least twice. I walked a lot. I was out and about, engaged in some sort of physical activity with my daughter almost every day.
In my mid to late thirties, I was physically the fittest and healthiest I have ever been before.
I felt good within myself - physically. I used to like what I saw in the mirror.
Then, last year, as my pain was getting worse, there were many pills added to my daily diet.
Needless to say, they all have side effects. Especially steroids.
And here I am now, with the combination of 18 months of zero physical exercise, about 10 pills of different medications a day, 12 rounds of chemotherapy...
Yes, here I am, with a horribly bloated tummy, looking and feeling like I was 6 months pregnant, with the hair of a balding 50 year old man, ghostly look on my totally rounded moon - face and a very fragile scrawny body...
But yet I look OK, to strangers - or so 'they' say.
Oh, so looking forward to the day, when chemotherapy is finished, painkillers reduced to minimum or gone altogether, my hair back thick and growing, my eyelashes needing to be looked after on daily basis, my body waxed...
And more so, when I get out of bed, put on those brand new looking snickers (I bought about 2 years ago and only used briefly training for 8 km Mothers Day Classic Fundraising Run) and go for a morning jog around this beautiful beach suburb I live in.
And to the day, when I dress up in my yoga gear and join the local yoga group again for weekly sessions...
The down is - I can't book in the next 'fun run' event just yet nor the date to start training or practicing yoga. I have no idea when exactly that time will come.
However, I know it is going to happen! I know, I can feel it and I do not have a doubt! In my mind, it's never gone away, it's just my physical body that needs to catch up somehow, somewhere in the (hopefully very) near future.
Meanwhile, I just have to stay here, within myself, focus on my other bodies, maintain those in the state of contentment, strength, clarity and determination and practice patience, patience, patience and possibly more patience...
How about you? Where are you at? Is your goal hard to be achieved on a mental or physical level? Would love to hear.
You will make it through this chemo and then you will be able to start re-building your body and your health. 2 years ago, I was quite fit and did a lot of cycling. However, I caught a serious virus and have been sick on and off for the last 2 years. Nothing too serious but it was hard to take after being so fit. I have spent this year focussing on rebuilding my health through nutritious eating and slowly re-gaining my fitness bit by bit. It has been a very slow process but I'm finally starting to feel better. I know that I have eating better than I ever have in my life and really enjoying a connection with food for the first time in my life. Hang in there. I'm sure you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouraging words! Greatly appreciated
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