The Monstrosity Of Pain

There are two things that have been present in the past few weeks of my life. One of them is pain, the other is crankiness.
I believe they are both here with me to teach me a huge lesson but I have decided to write only about the pain today...
Pain is the one that I dislike the most. It's a feeling that I don't wish upon anyone. Or, is it a feeling at all? What is pain, actually?
It is horrible, it is annoying and  irritating. It hurts, stings and burns on a physical level and it overtakes me, totally consumes me, on a mental level. It is most unwelcome thing coming to me with the diagnosis of cancer spreading to the bone. The more I think of it, the more I know it's the actual pain that bothers me, not the cancer...
It's the pain that makes me take painkillers - strong opiates, steroids and occasionally additional medicine for so called 'breakthrough' pain. And they all come with some sort of side effects. From having constant food cravings, mood swings, bloating or constipation (what a choice, hey?!), to the change in my physical appearance (I am now moon-faced!).
I had a good session discussing pain with my mentor and came to the conclusion of trying to just being with it. So I tried. And I still am trying. Through the meditation or  just sitting and resting with it. It is hard.
Right now, when I am ok, with my pain level down to 2 out of 10, seems easy and light. However, when one wakes up at 3am with unbearable burning pain up and down the whole leg, from hips to toes, level 11 out of 10, there is no way of just 'being' with it. There is absolutely nothing to do... You top up the painkillers to the max, but it takes at least 1/2h for them to kick in. Meanwhile, you are there, in the middle of the night, in absolute agony, with nothing to do... Nothing but react. Mindfulness, patience, niceness, politeness, everything I aspire to be and practice through the day and every nice piece of me just blows away in the dark. That's when the anger and sadness and bitterness kick in.... And I cry... And I sob... And I wish that, just for few minutes, someone I know would feel the way I feel right then, just so they understand me that little bit better. That tiny little bit. I want to feel empathy in the true form.
Why? Perhaps it is because I don't want people around me to always see me and think of me as being strong. I don't want everyone to always tell me how well I am or how well I handle everything that I'm going through... No! I sometimes need people around me to feel sorry for me, because the truth is, it is hard, sometimes harder than anyone can imagine. And I am not handling it the way I want to. I am not strong. I do suffer. And I suffer a lot. There is nothing easy about living with pain of any sort and there is absolutely nothing easy about living with cancer.
I feel the love of my beautiful man. I feel his frustrations at 3am, trying to help. But there's nothing he can do apart from handing me the 'breakthrough' pills, a heat pack, perhaps holding my hand and listen to me, angrily and desperately sobbing in absolute agony... It must be so hard for him. And yet there I am, wishing I could pass on my pain to him, even if just for few minutes. Does that make me a horrible person? Perhaps. But I don't care. Not at 3am. All I care about is me and all I wish is the pain to go away.
Yes, it's not cancer that I truly want to get rid off, it's the pain.
Luckily, it's not always that way. There are days when all is well and there are most nights that I sleep soundly. But I did hurt my tumors in the hip area on the recent travel for a weekend away, carrying the luggage (stupid me, not having a 'wheelie' suitcase!) and the last few weeks of pain were the price I had to pay.
My pain has now somehow settled. Still there, but not over 5 out of 10, much easier managed. And I am back to being optimistic, seeing the day in the future without painkillers. I know it is achievable and I know it will happen!
Meanwhile, I am learning the hard lesson of living with pain, caused by cancer and yes, I am mindfully working on 'being with it'. But please, oh, please don't mention anything about that particular learning process if I ever wake up at 3am!