Midnight Monologue (With The Pain)

Why are you here?
What is it that you are telling me?
What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to treat you?
How can I possibly just 'be with it' when it hurts so bad?
Is it the leftover pain from within that needs to be let go off? Perhaps acknowledged properly first?
Let go off pain - how? With tears? That seems to help, but only if in a combination of painkiller top ups, monologues like this one and the number of mixed emotions (from deep sadness and helplessness to indescribable frustration and anger) ....

I am acknowledging how blessed I am with my life in the now. I am so blessed to have most loving & caring man & most amazing daughter, my perfect family. Beautiful friends. In the now.

But it wasn't always like that. My past life was unpleasant. My childhood was filled with domestic violence and abuse on all levels. It was almost a complete opposite to my current life. I believe I dealt with all that a long time ago. I believe I have moved on.
Practicing mindfulness, should I keep going back to try and explore all my past wounds further? Randomly or intentionally? Only if the feelings arise or regardless - even when all seems perfect in the now?
I seriously feel I have moved on. Definitely don't feel stuck.
But perhaps I am, on a subconscious level, without realizing?
Perhaps that's what the pain is all about? The leftover of deeply seeded hurt, guilt, fear and anger from my childhood years.
Although I don't feel the guilt, nor fear or anger at present anymore, it could as well be still there, cemented somewhere deep down, and coming out as a horrid & unbearable pain. Is that possible?

Perhaps the right answer truly is: let it be ... and then: let it go

I'm here in Melbourne for a weekend meditation workshop as I'm writing this post. And it's not just any kind of meditation workshop. It's The Mind That Changes Everything, run by Ian Gawler, one of the key inspirations and teachers on my healing journey. I feel so blessed to be able to attend this workshop. And it might as well be perfect timing for my pain to have returned and possibly given me the opportunity to explore it into details, acknowledge it & accept it, (dare I say it) embrace it and finally possibly let it go .... This time for good?
Or perhaps I need to learn to live with it in a loving manner.
Learning to love the pain, well , that's a huge challenge I would love to conquer! So I now open myself to the universe to send me the message once again, to lighten the right path so I can keep heading into the right direction.

Affirmation:
I now lovingly accept every single bit of myself, from my appearance, to my thoughts, feelings and emotions, including aches and pains.
All is me & I am all. Only because of it ALL, I've been moulded into the magnificent person I am today.