Like A Yo-Yo

Coming off steroids isn't fun. I feel annoyed, shaky inside, weak on the outside. Still moon faced, horribly bloated and being very thin haired doesn't help.
The good part is, I am reducing the steroids. Hopefully I can go down to zero. That's the goal. At the moment I'm down to 3mg, from original 4mg.

The above was written about 4 weeks ago now...
Since than, all has changed. Again.
As I reduced the steroids down to 2.5mg, the pain returned with the vengeance. So I quickly increased the dose back up. And up. And up, to the old 4mg....
There goes my excitement of getting rid of the drug.
The worst part is, once the pain comes back (with the vengeance), it likes to take a very long time to settle. And by saying very long time, I mean weeks! It's happened previously and it's the third time now. I hope to have learned the lesson.

Back to the pain... Yet again! That horrid pain that keeps me up at night, makes me pop extra pills like lollies. The pain that makes me cry out loud for hours, makes me angry, frustrated, uncentered, irritated... It makes me not being able to concentrate and makes me tired, sleepy, cranky, upset, unsettled, sad, sometimes doubtful, unable to meditate .... The kind of pain that pretty much takes over my existence.
I now know it's temporarily, but that doesn't make it any easier. Easier to handle emotionally perhaps, but not physically. It is just plain hard.

In one of those moments of pain, this insight came by:
'We are never given what we are not able to handle'
Blah, blah, blah... I thought at the time, since I was in agony and I didn't feel like I was handling it at all.
But, here I am. Yes, I am strong, positive, determined and I love life, no matter. I love life so much, that no matter how bad my pain, I am willing to handle it. Handle it in any way I possibly can. I am doing whatever it takes to get well again.

Like a Yo-Yo, that's my life at the moment. And the moment seems to last forever ...
But that's it, I suppose. No matter how bad it is, there are million things around me every day, reminding me how precious and beautiful my life is.
The nature with its crisp ocean breeze, my family with the warmth of hugs and kisses, or lovely self-initiated 'I love you's by my daughter, the deliciousness of fresh, nutritious food, the fun times filled with laughter, surrounded by my dear friends, ....
All different things, great and small. In every moment of our life. Things considered good and the ones considered bad. All together, woven into this amazing journey called life.
And I decide to accept it all. Including pain.
I decide to stay right here, right now, being present in this very moment. Accepting every bit of it, as much as I possibly can. After all, Yo-Yos are meant to be fun, aren't they?

Are You Driven By Fear or Driven By Love

I have recently read a book called Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani. I have read quite a few books over the past year, while being on my healing journey. I am not a very keen reader, however there is an occasional book I come across that really grabs me straight away and makes me contemplate. The book Dying To Be Me was one of them. The book itself talks about the near death experience and the importance of love. The 'love' part really made me contemplate.

What is love? How do I define love? Is there such thing as the definition of love, or is love greater than that? How do love and life interconnect?
I get the 'in love' part, when you meet someone and you fall in love... And I get the parent - child immeasurable, unconditional love, too. It's just there, it came to me somewhat naturally. But that greater love that this particular book is talking about, just as many other books on spiritual growth, that pure love within, love that blends into the universe, the infinite power of love that we supposed to all have within.... Well, that part I found extremely complicated and confusing.
So, as I do, I opened myself yet again to the universe to deliver the answer.

And then, during the meditation this morning, something happened. Two words came to me. Love & Fear. And I feel I am now beginning to understand.

I realised I have been driven by fear most of my life. From a very superficial decision making in the past such as what to wear to work (so that I am presentable and so that others think well of me) to more recent and very important decision making such as having chemotherapy or not. There are other examples such as what to eat at meal times, attending social events (that I might not necessary feel like attending), visiting in-laws, going to the office when I felt like I am exhausted and all I wanted and needed was a rest, cleaning the house (although all would wait and nothing would have significantly changed if I didn't) and so on....
Most, if not all of the above decisions were definitely driven by fear. Fear of what other people might think of me, fear of losing my job, not being able to pay mortgage or fear of disappointing friends, in-laws, myself etc or in my case later on - the fear of cancer coming back and more recently, the fear of cancer spreading...
I now know that every single thing I have ever thought of as 'I have to do' or 'I have no choice' or the 'just in case' was (and still is) driven by fear.
And that means that even though I have dealt with the fear of dying or the fear of cancer returning or living with cancer, I still have million superficial fears I need to learn to deal with.

So I openly and extremely happily embrace this morning's revelation that love is in fact replacing the actions driven by fear with the actions that are driven by love and only by love.

I am not sure if any of the above makes sense to you, but to me, it is an enormous and a very significant insight. I feel like I have reached a very important milestone on my healing journey and I couldn't wait to sit down to be able to write it down and have it recorded to remind myself over and over again...
I now know what love is. I finally get it.
Love is huge. Love is so big that we can't possibly define it in a sentence. Love is all and everything. Therefore all I do from now on will be questioned:
Is this action of mine driven by love or is it driven by fear?

My bone pain (caused by cancer) has returned recently, after I started to reduce my painkillers, so I did experience another set back. But this time it was different. Not in a way of intensity of the pain. The pain was just as bad as it was previously when around. I was in absolute agony. And I still am in pain, but it is getting better again, since I have learned to manage it well. The difference this time was my reaction to it. I reacted differently. I let go much easier and much faster than in the past. I also asked for help much faster and I found a possible solution, another bout of radiotherapy.
So today, on my way to my radio-oncologist I asked myself:
'Is this treatment to get rid of pain driven by fear or is it driven by love?'
How can a radiotherapy treatment be driven by love you may think? Well, it actually can. In my case, right now, it is. I love life. I love being active. I love being able to go for a walk on the beach, cycle with my daughter, go on a road trip with my family, a flight to exotic holiday destination.... I love cooking, sitting down, lounging around, doing arts and crafts.... These are only a few things that I absolutely love. And all of these things are compromised when in pain. Radiotherapy will fix my pain as it has in the past. So yes, here I come, driven by love! The love to life I absolutely love living and only the life I love, nothing else.

And so my life will head in the direction filled with love, from now on, always and forever.
How about yours?

"If You Think You Can Or If You Think You Can Not, You Are Right!"

Very wise quote by Henry Ford. It made me think, many times... And every time I agreed to it, strongly.

I had a full body bone scan yesterday. Results reviewed by my Doctor today. The results were 'kind of' neutral. I say neutral, because they weren't really much worse than a year ago, which in the 'advanced cancer terms' means good.
Well, bad news is, that even after chemo, there still are 30+ tumors showing in the bones pretty much all over my body: scull, neck, one of the shoulders, all over ribs, lower spine, mid spine, upper spine, both hips, pelvis, down both legs.... yes, all over.
However, they are not new. They have been there for well over a year, they haven't grown and many of them are possibly shrinking.

The above news can easily be taken with a huge disappointment and negativity. I could easily make myself feel sad, angry, scared, doubtful, full of 'what ifs' etc. And possibly make myself spiral into the darkness and depression.
But I choose not to.
I take the news as positive. Very much so.
There is no talk about my organs being affected, which is great. No talk about being worse, or that chemotherapy is not working, or that there are no more treatments left etc.
My pain level is much better than a month ago, which is fantastic. I am reducing the painkillers again, yay! I feel quite well, energetic. Physically much better than 6 months ago, much stronger, too. Mentally, I am filled with clarity on what to do next. Spiritually, I am content and with deeply seeded trust and belief that all is unfolding perfectly.

It is all in the mind, isn't it? We make choices every single moment of our life. We are blessed with being absolutely free to decide on pretty much everything: what we eat,  what we wear, what we say, what we think, how we feel... Every moment of every single day. It is completely up to us. And it is all in our head (or wherever the mind might be hidden...). Our mind is such an amazingly powerful tool.

A negative outlook vs a positive outlook. Both extremely powerful. So different, complete opposites, but yet both 100% right. Can you see that?

How about you? Which outlook do you decide to follow?

The Meltdown

I had a lovely weekend and felt good on a nice summery Monday morning. After dropping off my daughter at school, I needed to do a blood test, which is necessary a day prior my next round of chemotherapy. I had a 'chemo break' last week and was about to start the new (fourth) cycle. Each cycle consists of 3 rounds and 1 week break and I am to have 6 in total. So I am now midway. Great, the countdown begins.

Having chemo is not by any means a good thing. No matter how smooth or well tolerated chemo is, it is an extremely unpleasant experience. My chemo is an IV form and even though it only takes about 45 min to administer, it is not nice to say the least. You sit in a neon lit room of the clinic with many other cancer patients and do nothing but wait until it all flows through your veins. You also get some 'extras', either pills or shots for side effects. You are basically filled up with a variety of legal synthetic drugs.
4 years ago, all of the drugs made me extremely sick for the first 24 hours. In fact so sick, I couldn't share the room with anyone, not even with my daughter or any family member. I couldn't talk, eat, drink or do anything but curl up in bed, in the dark and try to sleep it off. Or else I would have been extremely nauseous.
This time around is much better. Different, newer drugs and much lighter immediate side effects. I feel tired, slightly light headed, looking pale, but still able to do all normal chores like picking up my girl from school and taking her to ballet class, having dinner etc. All good from that part.
But yet, it doesn't feel nowhere near pleasant. I would have never add chemo to my 'to do list'. Honestly, it absolutely sucks (excuse my language) and just the thought of it irritates me.

Anyhow, a day prior each chemo, I need a blood test for Doctor to see my blood and my organs (like kidneys) are well enough to handle the chemicals...
So off I went.
I started really disliking blood tests and needles generally. I've been having way too many over the past couple months. And I think my veins can tell. They seem to go on strike every time I enter the Pathology room, or the Vitamin C room, where I'm getting my weekly high doses of Vitamin C through IV. The nurses are having serious troubles finding my veins.
Yesterday morning, all bright and early, happened again. The nurse missed the vein twice. And it was painful. But more so, it was annoying me. All of a sudden I started feeling physically sick, I thought I was going to faint. I got very hot and covered in sweat. Almost shaky. All I wanted is to get out of there.
I had two nurses giving me attention, wanting to try again... But all I could do was walk out and skip the blood test. I had two band aids on both arms, caused by unsuccessful trials.
I felt physically sick and thought I would faint.
Mentally, I could feel the whole lot of unpleasant emotions arising... Stronger and stronger all the stuff started to come out of somewhere deep inside, right out through my body, to my mind and out of my eyes and through my mouth....
Just as I reached the car, the total meltdown began.

I phoned my man. Out came swear words galore, out came the tears pouring, out came 'why me's, 'not fair's, and more and more F words (*I am not the person who swears, ever, no F words nor similar are in my vocabulary).... They all just came out flooding. Out of, what seemed nowhere... But yet it all came from somewhere deep inside of me. It was a moment of unpleasant emotions and it came pouring out.

When we practice mindfulness, unpleasant emotions like anger, become just another emotion to respond to, not to live in. We learn to observe, not to react.
But yet I reacted. I reacted wholeheartedly, crying, yelling, swearing, almost abusing my innocent man on the phone.

And this is what I've learned:
Practice of mindfulness is a lengthy process and no matter how long you manage to stay in 'the good place', it is (unfortunately) not the destination, but a life long journey, which requires one step at a time. Many steps are easy, and get even easier with practice, as you get 'fitter'. You are walking straight line, flat, relaxed pace. Until all of a sudden, you reach an extremely steep hill, or a huge rock to climb, a fence to jump over, or a slippery wet part, or an icy cold patch, a dangerous curve or perhaps just a little sharp stone...
Each step you take is important.
It's not about trying to control the actual journey, but keeping the determination to stay on the path no matter what comes your way, keeping the pace comfortable, safe, accepting whatever comes your way, no matter how unpleasant the circumstances and emotions associated with experience are.

So I had a meltdown. A complete meltdown I have not expected to have. It all came out, which obviously had to, as it was there, somewhere. I felt much lighter afterwards.
And I didn't let the meltdown consume my whole existence. I didn't drag it on and on. It came all of a sudden, I let it all out, I was a bit surprised, shed few extra tears during the day and wondered where did it all come from? But I also sat down for half an hour, in peace and quite, practicing mindfulness meditation to calm my mind and gain some clarity, mostly on where and why did it all happen.
I didn't get the answer, but did calm down greatly. And I didn't continue trying to analyse it or catastrophise it or making up stories around and about it.
Although I am a complete beginner in the vastness of the mindfulness practice, I did notice a difference in dealing with the meltdown, comparing to my past, pre-cancer life. The best part is, I now feel much lighter and calmer. And yet again, I am at peace.

How about you? How do you deal with the meltdowns? How do you cross the obstacles? Would love to hear!

Happy Birthday To Me

It was my birthday yesterday.
Celebrations have changed a lot since I've been living with cancer. Not only that my lifestyle and diet have changed (mostly vegan, sugar free, alcohol free... meaning no birthday cake nor birthday drinks), my mindset is different, too.
Looking few years back, I was quite devastated turning 30. I felt old, or perhaps, mature, an adult... I felt like I have hit the stage of life where there's no more excuses to be young and silly, but needing to get all serious about life, needing to know what I want, plan it all out - married, career, house by 34, kids by 36 etc
Little did I know....

After my first diagnosis and by the end of treatments, just a single thought of being 'trapped' in a mortgage almost made me sick. My motto has changed to 'I work to live' (definitely not live to work!). Life (to me) represented one holiday after another. Having one child seemed sufficient. I felt blessed not needing to plan bigger family and relieved not needing to feel 'guilty' to only have one child, since I had 'a good excuse'...
It's only now, 4 years later, that I catch myself thinking about why do I feel like I need an excuse? Or to explain myself to people I meet about:

• having only one child
• not owning a house
• not drinking
• not eating meat, dairy or sugar
• having thin hair...

What is my problem? Why do I let myself be influenced by  the 'silent rules of society', when, on the other hand, I claim not to care what other people think about me...
Yes, although I feel like I am in a good place, I feel obliged needing to explain to people, somehow justify my life, my actions and my decisions...Why?
Even after spending most of the past year soul searching, focusing on my mental and emotional healing and spiritual growth, there are still so many parts of me that need to be looked into. No matter how good, content and confident I feel, there are still many complex, slightly unpleasant feelings arising, that I am willing to explore.
There is so much more to learn about who I am, what is my place? What is it, truly, that makes me and keeps me in that 'good place'? In a place, where the superficial norms of society loose their meaning and have no attachments, where I confidently meet and communicate to everyone around me without feeling any pressures whatsoever. Move ligthly, think and make decisions with absolute clarity and act completely and only from the depth of my heart and soul, regardless of my health condition or any superficial barriers I may carry in my mind.

As I turned 39, I honestly don't feel the age nor do I care about it. In fact, in many ways, I feel exactly the same I felt when I was in my 20s. But yet things are very much different. I am different.
Have I achieved what I was meaning to by this age? No.
Have I ever thought I would have had cancer twice in my thirties? Of course not.
Have I ever thought I wasn't going to eat meat, or drink alcohol or not have a piece of cake, not even on my birthday? Absolutely not.
Do I have any regrets? Not a single one!

So, there we are. The unpredictability of the fragile life... The changes we, humans, can make. The actions we take are enormous. The strength we carry inside is unimaginable. Getting older, wiser, to mature and to be willing to change, is extremely empowering.

And as I felt devastated turning 30, I now feel totally blessed to be here to be able to turn 39 and looking forward to 40 and 50 and 60... and 70 and ... oh my oh my, there will be the biggest party on the planet earth when I turn 80 in 2053!
No middle age crisis here, no botox, no collagen injections planned, nor face lifts or plastic surgery... I am embracing every single moment of getting older, just because I am well enough to be able to!

How about you?

I am In A Good Place

Too often I get: 'Oh Tina, I am so sorry for you...' kind of statement from an acquaintance or a dear friend.
Lots of comparing, too, like 'I got this horrid cold / flu / gastro, nothing like you though...'
or 'Been crazy at work, way too busy, too stressful, but nothing compared to what you're going through...'

Can I please ask you all to STOP comparing!
I am in a good place.

I know how you feel. I seriously get it. I can remember, I've been there. I can still (even if only just) vaguely feel it all over my body, mostly in my chest and tummy, that unpleasant feeling of tightness, shortness of breath, stress, feeling of being trapped... Or that other feeling of being so unwell from cold or flu, that you can't get out of bed, feeling weak, one moment hot and sweaty, next moment cold and shaky... Or when your throat is so bad you can't swallow anything but a luke warm tea perhaps... Or the self inflicted sicknesses like when you had too much to drink and spend the whole night in the bathroom....Or when you picked up some gastro somewhere....
It is a horrible feeling! Horrible and horrible again. Especially when you have no time to rest (because of deadlines at work) or have no knowledge on how to handle it within you.
That feeling of constant inner stress (if repeated for lengthy periods of time), is what (to my opinion) causes serious critical illnesses such as cancer and / or many others.
All of the above are symptoms, a bit like warning signs from your physical body telling you to slow down, take a break. A rest. Time out. Perhaps take a nice relaxing holiday, respect your body, nurture it, love it... Make it feel better.
But unfortunately, more often than not, we instead pop few pills, perhaps give ourselves a day to recover, when we literally can not move, and then back to the action... Back to the busyness, stress, hobbies, parties, especially this time of the year.

Well, that was me, anyway...
Since my secondary diagnosis (it was 1 year anniversary yesterday), I have been on a healing journey.
Quite funny really, as I had a few most important projects still to finish at work last year before my 'end of year' deadline, but I had to see the Doctor because of my incapacitating back pain. I took a day off and after X - Ray results showed cancer had returned, my work disappeared from the priority list completely, totally, 100%. In fact, I have not worked from the office since 13th December 2010. A day before my diagnosis.

So, how important the job really was?
What is it that is truly important?

For me, right there and then, at the Doctor's suite delivering the news of 'cancer has returned', the only most important thing was life. Life, including my young family - my daughter, my partner and myself.

In my personal experience, that was it. As if the whole wide world (including all my other family members and dear friends) just completely disappeared.... Right there and then, in that moment of existence, there was only myself, being alive and well, with and for my daughter and my beautiful loving man. For that instant, absolutely nothing else mattered nor existed. It pretty much went blank.
It was a huge awakening.
And it was good. Priorities have since been so clear, there is no chance to ever un-see them again.

Right then, on 14th Dec 2010, with all the stresses of my past, going way back to my early childhood, the present lifestyle and the cancer diagnosis, I was in a very deep and dark place. In a place, where for few days I felt totally hopeless and seriously didn't see the way out. I had felt like I have completely lost control of life and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it...
Luckily, I found the book that opened my eyes, filled me with hope and I was able to climb out of that deep dark abyss and into the light, seeing there was future and it can be bright.
And so my healing journey started.

Comparing myself, my well being and the place I am at now, to the place I have been for many years in my past, it's literally like day and night. It is so different, I find it extremely difficult to put it into words.

I can try to describe the current place as the place of peace of mind, emotional stability, contentment, existence without stress, lots of clarity, obvious and vivid priorities; the future that is laid in front of me like a huge circle with million possibilities and not just one single path or perhaps a couple; the belief of trust and certainty that all really and truly is unfolding perfectly...
Never mind the lumps and fractures in my body, there is so much more than physical bodies.... It's the wholeness of ourselves. It's our mind, emotions, spiritualism, soul.
They all are to be attended to and have a special place in our existence, as it's only when they all are in balance and harmony, one as human being can truly be whole & complete, which leads to that ultimate state of contentment that most of us are striving to achieve...

So next time you're tempted to compare yourself with someone with some sort of serious disease, stop yourself and have a think ... Where am I at - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

As for me, although I physically am the most fragile and weak I have been in my life, I'm undergoing numerous treatments to improve that one part of my existence, but I truly am in a better than ever place before - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am at peace.