Back To The Good Place

Is it possible that once one experiences that place of peace and clarity, one becomes so addicted to it, that then, when that place gets lost in the day to day issues, in the average state of mind, one finds it harder to pull him / herself back up, knowing that the amazing place of peace and clarity exists, because it is so good, way better than one would ever expect.
Too deep and meaningful?
Let me try to explain...

I have recently been through a very rough patch. I was physically very unwell. Probably most unwell I have ever been in my life. It was hard. And I found it extremely hard to deal with. Physically and mentally.
All sorts of thoughts have been going through my head... Being on heavy medications didn't help. Starting to experience some familiar but 'new' symptoms in my chin didn't help either. My thoughts were going quite wild. Negative. Not my usual self, I got spiraled into almost a depressive mood... Many questions were raised in my head. I felt uncertain, for a long time. And since I haven't yet had a scan of my head, I still do feel a bit uncertain. I want answers. And I want solutions.
Anyhow, I do feel better, physically and mentally. But I think I have lost the measurement of wellness somewhere on the way...

In my head, the only way is up! And I was quite high up feeling-wise for a while there. I was absolutely certain I am doing the right thing and that I will feel better and better each day. At least physically. I was expecting to be off steroids and on reduced other medication by the time I finish chemotherapy. I expected all my lumps (visible subcutaneous tumors that are pretty much all over my body) will be much smaller and I will overall feel much better, more energetic...

Well, it turned out very different.
Not only my tumors are still there, some of them got bigger. Steroids and other medication are all the same dose as they were before chemo. And the worst part is, there's new symptom - tingling and numbing sensation in my chin, combined with a pressure headache which indicate that I have an active tumor somewhere in my head...
Not good. Not good at all.

Now, because I've experienced the place of peace & contentment for quite a few months and I can vividly remember how amazing it feels, does that make my current feeling of uncertainty worse? Worse in a way that my standard to feel good is now much higher than it was 2 years ago, before I knew that place of complete acceptance, peace of mind and clarity existed? Is that possible?
I hope so. Because that would mean it's not that bad now after all. And to get out of this unpleasant feeling, yes, it is easier, because I know how and I have the tools.

The bad news is that no matter what happens, what results I get next week, this is my life now and I truly need to (lovingly) accept all, whatever comes my way...
The good news is that I am on the up. On the up in a way of feeling better, day by day, physically and mentally. It's a slow recovery, but it is a recovery. An extremely slow climbing and a very long way up, since my barometer has changed, but I am on the way up.

What I really don't need is any news that there are new or extra tumors in my brain. I believe I am done with it. I believe those tumors were treated a year ago and my mind and my mental state has changed enough to not grow any new ones...
I would love some good news. It would make my existence much easier. And it would make my 'way up' much faster.

I am still tired....

Please, oh please, mighty universe, deliver some good news this time! Surely I more than deserve them!

Just Another Hiccup? Perhaps.

I've lived through few weeks filled with horrid pain, yet again. And last week there was a little bit of history repeating...
Honestly, I wish it wasn't.
All I want is to be well. My greatest wish of all is to wake up one morning, open my eyes and while assessing my well being while still in bed, realizing my body has no aches, no pains, feeling well and strong and healthy. Get out of bed with no physical effort, light footed, and walk out of the bedroom well balanced, light and full of life.
Just, simply, to wake up feeling well.

I used to see myself being physically well all the time, even over the past year since living with cancer. But my vision is getting a bit blurry at the moment. And I must confess that my strong attitude has been weakened after the last, yet another unpleasant incident of waking up in agony and almost being unable to move. Yet again I had to call palliative care unit while still in bed, my GP and my radio oncologist. And yet again I was adviced to get an ambulance to take me to emergency ...
Honestly, it absolutely sucks.
All I want is to be well. Is that too much to ask?

It's been about 18 months on this journey now. And wow, what a journey!
I am mostly pleased with my life, I must say. I don't really have regrets. I appreciate all the lifestyle changes I have made. And all the changes in me that have taken place. I appreciate them all and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I definitely am a much better person, with way more peace and contentment, clarity, empathy, ...
But I am getting tired. So tired. Tired of being physically unwell. Tired of feeling the way I used to imagine to be feeling when I'm in my 80s and not at my age. Tired of bouncing moods caused by all the drugs I'm on... They just don't fit into my new found 'organic' lifestyle.
I know many things I'm going through emotionally at the moment are caused purely by drugs, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is the way I feel. And I don't feel right at the moment. I am in this moment, yes, and there are many things I greatly appreciate, but I can not ignore the ones I greatly dislike. There are just a few too many.

I often think of my beautiful daughter. She is only 5 years old. So young, but yet so in tune with what is going on. Every time she puts on her 5 year old behavior and if I am unwell or I let her know I'm in pain, she changes her act straight away. Instead, she runs to me, gives me a huge, honest hug, cuddles me and kisses me and says: mummy I love you. Or: oh mummy, I wish you were well already...
She is so precious, and she is the main reason and my main motivation to keep going and to pull out the whatever strength there is left somewhere inside of me, even when there's a moment when I am running on empty.

How about you? Who is your main motivation?

Like A Yo-Yo

Coming off steroids isn't fun. I feel annoyed, shaky inside, weak on the outside. Still moon faced, horribly bloated and being very thin haired doesn't help.
The good part is, I am reducing the steroids. Hopefully I can go down to zero. That's the goal. At the moment I'm down to 3mg, from original 4mg.

The above was written about 4 weeks ago now...
Since than, all has changed. Again.
As I reduced the steroids down to 2.5mg, the pain returned with the vengeance. So I quickly increased the dose back up. And up. And up, to the old 4mg....
There goes my excitement of getting rid of the drug.
The worst part is, once the pain comes back (with the vengeance), it likes to take a very long time to settle. And by saying very long time, I mean weeks! It's happened previously and it's the third time now. I hope to have learned the lesson.

Back to the pain... Yet again! That horrid pain that keeps me up at night, makes me pop extra pills like lollies. The pain that makes me cry out loud for hours, makes me angry, frustrated, uncentered, irritated... It makes me not being able to concentrate and makes me tired, sleepy, cranky, upset, unsettled, sad, sometimes doubtful, unable to meditate .... The kind of pain that pretty much takes over my existence.
I now know it's temporarily, but that doesn't make it any easier. Easier to handle emotionally perhaps, but not physically. It is just plain hard.

In one of those moments of pain, this insight came by:
'We are never given what we are not able to handle'
Blah, blah, blah... I thought at the time, since I was in agony and I didn't feel like I was handling it at all.
But, here I am. Yes, I am strong, positive, determined and I love life, no matter. I love life so much, that no matter how bad my pain, I am willing to handle it. Handle it in any way I possibly can. I am doing whatever it takes to get well again.

Like a Yo-Yo, that's my life at the moment. And the moment seems to last forever ...
But that's it, I suppose. No matter how bad it is, there are million things around me every day, reminding me how precious and beautiful my life is.
The nature with its crisp ocean breeze, my family with the warmth of hugs and kisses, or lovely self-initiated 'I love you's by my daughter, the deliciousness of fresh, nutritious food, the fun times filled with laughter, surrounded by my dear friends, ....
All different things, great and small. In every moment of our life. Things considered good and the ones considered bad. All together, woven into this amazing journey called life.
And I decide to accept it all. Including pain.
I decide to stay right here, right now, being present in this very moment. Accepting every bit of it, as much as I possibly can. After all, Yo-Yos are meant to be fun, aren't they?

Midnight Monologue (With The Pain)

Why are you here?
What is it that you are telling me?
What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to treat you?
How can I possibly just 'be with it' when it hurts so bad?
Is it the leftover pain from within that needs to be let go off? Perhaps acknowledged properly first?
Let go off pain - how? With tears? That seems to help, but only if in a combination of painkiller top ups, monologues like this one and the number of mixed emotions (from deep sadness and helplessness to indescribable frustration and anger) ....

I am acknowledging how blessed I am with my life in the now. I am so blessed to have most loving & caring man & most amazing daughter, my perfect family. Beautiful friends. In the now.

But it wasn't always like that. My past life was unpleasant. My childhood was filled with domestic violence and abuse on all levels. It was almost a complete opposite to my current life. I believe I dealt with all that a long time ago. I believe I have moved on.
Practicing mindfulness, should I keep going back to try and explore all my past wounds further? Randomly or intentionally? Only if the feelings arise or regardless - even when all seems perfect in the now?
I seriously feel I have moved on. Definitely don't feel stuck.
But perhaps I am, on a subconscious level, without realizing?
Perhaps that's what the pain is all about? The leftover of deeply seeded hurt, guilt, fear and anger from my childhood years.
Although I don't feel the guilt, nor fear or anger at present anymore, it could as well be still there, cemented somewhere deep down, and coming out as a horrid & unbearable pain. Is that possible?

Perhaps the right answer truly is: let it be ... and then: let it go

I'm here in Melbourne for a weekend meditation workshop as I'm writing this post. And it's not just any kind of meditation workshop. It's The Mind That Changes Everything, run by Ian Gawler, one of the key inspirations and teachers on my healing journey. I feel so blessed to be able to attend this workshop. And it might as well be perfect timing for my pain to have returned and possibly given me the opportunity to explore it into details, acknowledge it & accept it, (dare I say it) embrace it and finally possibly let it go .... This time for good?
Or perhaps I need to learn to live with it in a loving manner.
Learning to love the pain, well , that's a huge challenge I would love to conquer! So I now open myself to the universe to send me the message once again, to lighten the right path so I can keep heading into the right direction.

Affirmation:
I now lovingly accept every single bit of myself, from my appearance, to my thoughts, feelings and emotions, including aches and pains.
All is me & I am all. Only because of it ALL, I've been moulded into the magnificent person I am today.

"If You Think You Can Or If You Think You Can Not, You Are Right!"

Very wise quote by Henry Ford. It made me think, many times... And every time I agreed to it, strongly.

I had a full body bone scan yesterday. Results reviewed by my Doctor today. The results were 'kind of' neutral. I say neutral, because they weren't really much worse than a year ago, which in the 'advanced cancer terms' means good.
Well, bad news is, that even after chemo, there still are 30+ tumors showing in the bones pretty much all over my body: scull, neck, one of the shoulders, all over ribs, lower spine, mid spine, upper spine, both hips, pelvis, down both legs.... yes, all over.
However, they are not new. They have been there for well over a year, they haven't grown and many of them are possibly shrinking.

The above news can easily be taken with a huge disappointment and negativity. I could easily make myself feel sad, angry, scared, doubtful, full of 'what ifs' etc. And possibly make myself spiral into the darkness and depression.
But I choose not to.
I take the news as positive. Very much so.
There is no talk about my organs being affected, which is great. No talk about being worse, or that chemotherapy is not working, or that there are no more treatments left etc.
My pain level is much better than a month ago, which is fantastic. I am reducing the painkillers again, yay! I feel quite well, energetic. Physically much better than 6 months ago, much stronger, too. Mentally, I am filled with clarity on what to do next. Spiritually, I am content and with deeply seeded trust and belief that all is unfolding perfectly.

It is all in the mind, isn't it? We make choices every single moment of our life. We are blessed with being absolutely free to decide on pretty much everything: what we eat,  what we wear, what we say, what we think, how we feel... Every moment of every single day. It is completely up to us. And it is all in our head (or wherever the mind might be hidden...). Our mind is such an amazingly powerful tool.

A negative outlook vs a positive outlook. Both extremely powerful. So different, complete opposites, but yet both 100% right. Can you see that?

How about you? Which outlook do you decide to follow?

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"

We are all familiar with the above quote by Friedrich Nietzsche.
Yes, we all kind of believe that, don't we? Well, at least I do. The quote itself makes me feel pretty good about myself. Thinking through the words, makes me feel more at ease travelling through challenges of life. And the word 'stronger' makes me feel powerful...

But yet on occasion, I think to myself: 'What the...?'
How strong do some of us have to be? How strong will I be by the end of my life? What if I'm now content as I am, strong enough, that's it, finished, all done and dusted... ?!?! I need no more!

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. There is no remote control to press 'pause', not even for a moment. Or perhaps there is, and that 'pause' button is actually the 'mindfulness meditation'? The time we take to just sit still for half an hour or so and do absolutely nothing. Pause. In the present moment. Completely in the now. Nowhere else. 
At some points over the past year, I have found myself in that present, peaceful state quite often. It feels so amazing it's addictive.
But yet, more often than not, I find myself stuck in my busy state of mind, caught up in thoughts and with the new learned belief of 'embracing' it all, find myself slightly stressed out when something unpleasant happens and I can't really embrace it. It might make me stronger, yes, but it doesn't mean I have to embrace it.

Today, while talking to my counsellor (I should really call her my mentor instead), I realised I have been putting too much pressure on myself for trying to embrace every single moment of my life. 'Embracing' is a very powerful word and although positive, it can easily turn into negative if you find it difficult to embrace a particular situation that happens. It can cause quite a bit of stress when you are not honest with your emotions towards the circumstance. At least in my case.
I realised earlier today, I don't want to embrace unpleasant things anymore. I am accepting them though. In fact, I've learned to accept everything that came my way so far.
From now on, rather than embracing, I will just BE with it. Be, with whatever comes my way, good, bad, nice, sad, happy, exciting, horrible, annoying, irritating, or whatever else there is...

So back to the quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. Yes, great, I am strong, because I am still alive after numerous challenges of my life that could have killed me. But, how strong do I really need to become? Or better, how strong do I want to be? What if I feel I am now strong enough? Can I ask life to stop throwing the 'life threatenning' challenges at me? Please?!?!

How about you? How strong are you?

The Meltdown

I had a lovely weekend and felt good on a nice summery Monday morning. After dropping off my daughter at school, I needed to do a blood test, which is necessary a day prior my next round of chemotherapy. I had a 'chemo break' last week and was about to start the new (fourth) cycle. Each cycle consists of 3 rounds and 1 week break and I am to have 6 in total. So I am now midway. Great, the countdown begins.

Having chemo is not by any means a good thing. No matter how smooth or well tolerated chemo is, it is an extremely unpleasant experience. My chemo is an IV form and even though it only takes about 45 min to administer, it is not nice to say the least. You sit in a neon lit room of the clinic with many other cancer patients and do nothing but wait until it all flows through your veins. You also get some 'extras', either pills or shots for side effects. You are basically filled up with a variety of legal synthetic drugs.
4 years ago, all of the drugs made me extremely sick for the first 24 hours. In fact so sick, I couldn't share the room with anyone, not even with my daughter or any family member. I couldn't talk, eat, drink or do anything but curl up in bed, in the dark and try to sleep it off. Or else I would have been extremely nauseous.
This time around is much better. Different, newer drugs and much lighter immediate side effects. I feel tired, slightly light headed, looking pale, but still able to do all normal chores like picking up my girl from school and taking her to ballet class, having dinner etc. All good from that part.
But yet, it doesn't feel nowhere near pleasant. I would have never add chemo to my 'to do list'. Honestly, it absolutely sucks (excuse my language) and just the thought of it irritates me.

Anyhow, a day prior each chemo, I need a blood test for Doctor to see my blood and my organs (like kidneys) are well enough to handle the chemicals...
So off I went.
I started really disliking blood tests and needles generally. I've been having way too many over the past couple months. And I think my veins can tell. They seem to go on strike every time I enter the Pathology room, or the Vitamin C room, where I'm getting my weekly high doses of Vitamin C through IV. The nurses are having serious troubles finding my veins.
Yesterday morning, all bright and early, happened again. The nurse missed the vein twice. And it was painful. But more so, it was annoying me. All of a sudden I started feeling physically sick, I thought I was going to faint. I got very hot and covered in sweat. Almost shaky. All I wanted is to get out of there.
I had two nurses giving me attention, wanting to try again... But all I could do was walk out and skip the blood test. I had two band aids on both arms, caused by unsuccessful trials.
I felt physically sick and thought I would faint.
Mentally, I could feel the whole lot of unpleasant emotions arising... Stronger and stronger all the stuff started to come out of somewhere deep inside, right out through my body, to my mind and out of my eyes and through my mouth....
Just as I reached the car, the total meltdown began.

I phoned my man. Out came swear words galore, out came the tears pouring, out came 'why me's, 'not fair's, and more and more F words (*I am not the person who swears, ever, no F words nor similar are in my vocabulary).... They all just came out flooding. Out of, what seemed nowhere... But yet it all came from somewhere deep inside of me. It was a moment of unpleasant emotions and it came pouring out.

When we practice mindfulness, unpleasant emotions like anger, become just another emotion to respond to, not to live in. We learn to observe, not to react.
But yet I reacted. I reacted wholeheartedly, crying, yelling, swearing, almost abusing my innocent man on the phone.

And this is what I've learned:
Practice of mindfulness is a lengthy process and no matter how long you manage to stay in 'the good place', it is (unfortunately) not the destination, but a life long journey, which requires one step at a time. Many steps are easy, and get even easier with practice, as you get 'fitter'. You are walking straight line, flat, relaxed pace. Until all of a sudden, you reach an extremely steep hill, or a huge rock to climb, a fence to jump over, or a slippery wet part, or an icy cold patch, a dangerous curve or perhaps just a little sharp stone...
Each step you take is important.
It's not about trying to control the actual journey, but keeping the determination to stay on the path no matter what comes your way, keeping the pace comfortable, safe, accepting whatever comes your way, no matter how unpleasant the circumstances and emotions associated with experience are.

So I had a meltdown. A complete meltdown I have not expected to have. It all came out, which obviously had to, as it was there, somewhere. I felt much lighter afterwards.
And I didn't let the meltdown consume my whole existence. I didn't drag it on and on. It came all of a sudden, I let it all out, I was a bit surprised, shed few extra tears during the day and wondered where did it all come from? But I also sat down for half an hour, in peace and quite, practicing mindfulness meditation to calm my mind and gain some clarity, mostly on where and why did it all happen.
I didn't get the answer, but did calm down greatly. And I didn't continue trying to analyse it or catastrophise it or making up stories around and about it.
Although I am a complete beginner in the vastness of the mindfulness practice, I did notice a difference in dealing with the meltdown, comparing to my past, pre-cancer life. The best part is, I now feel much lighter and calmer. And yet again, I am at peace.

How about you? How do you deal with the meltdowns? How do you cross the obstacles? Would love to hear!

Happy Birthday To Me

It was my birthday yesterday.
Celebrations have changed a lot since I've been living with cancer. Not only that my lifestyle and diet have changed (mostly vegan, sugar free, alcohol free... meaning no birthday cake nor birthday drinks), my mindset is different, too.
Looking few years back, I was quite devastated turning 30. I felt old, or perhaps, mature, an adult... I felt like I have hit the stage of life where there's no more excuses to be young and silly, but needing to get all serious about life, needing to know what I want, plan it all out - married, career, house by 34, kids by 36 etc
Little did I know....

After my first diagnosis and by the end of treatments, just a single thought of being 'trapped' in a mortgage almost made me sick. My motto has changed to 'I work to live' (definitely not live to work!). Life (to me) represented one holiday after another. Having one child seemed sufficient. I felt blessed not needing to plan bigger family and relieved not needing to feel 'guilty' to only have one child, since I had 'a good excuse'...
It's only now, 4 years later, that I catch myself thinking about why do I feel like I need an excuse? Or to explain myself to people I meet about:

• having only one child
• not owning a house
• not drinking
• not eating meat, dairy or sugar
• having thin hair...

What is my problem? Why do I let myself be influenced by  the 'silent rules of society', when, on the other hand, I claim not to care what other people think about me...
Yes, although I feel like I am in a good place, I feel obliged needing to explain to people, somehow justify my life, my actions and my decisions...Why?
Even after spending most of the past year soul searching, focusing on my mental and emotional healing and spiritual growth, there are still so many parts of me that need to be looked into. No matter how good, content and confident I feel, there are still many complex, slightly unpleasant feelings arising, that I am willing to explore.
There is so much more to learn about who I am, what is my place? What is it, truly, that makes me and keeps me in that 'good place'? In a place, where the superficial norms of society loose their meaning and have no attachments, where I confidently meet and communicate to everyone around me without feeling any pressures whatsoever. Move ligthly, think and make decisions with absolute clarity and act completely and only from the depth of my heart and soul, regardless of my health condition or any superficial barriers I may carry in my mind.

As I turned 39, I honestly don't feel the age nor do I care about it. In fact, in many ways, I feel exactly the same I felt when I was in my 20s. But yet things are very much different. I am different.
Have I achieved what I was meaning to by this age? No.
Have I ever thought I would have had cancer twice in my thirties? Of course not.
Have I ever thought I wasn't going to eat meat, or drink alcohol or not have a piece of cake, not even on my birthday? Absolutely not.
Do I have any regrets? Not a single one!

So, there we are. The unpredictability of the fragile life... The changes we, humans, can make. The actions we take are enormous. The strength we carry inside is unimaginable. Getting older, wiser, to mature and to be willing to change, is extremely empowering.

And as I felt devastated turning 30, I now feel totally blessed to be here to be able to turn 39 and looking forward to 40 and 50 and 60... and 70 and ... oh my oh my, there will be the biggest party on the planet earth when I turn 80 in 2053!
No middle age crisis here, no botox, no collagen injections planned, nor face lifts or plastic surgery... I am embracing every single moment of getting older, just because I am well enough to be able to!

How about you?

Life Is Beautiful

Funny how our moods change, our minds play up and send us such different massages, day in, day out....

It's a beautiful day today! I feel so happy. I appreciate each and every moment of my existance.

It makes me wonder what triggered the cancer thoughts to go on vacations?

Is it the meditation I managed to consistently practice for the past few days (although I fell asleep 15 minutes in - every time)?
Or is it a visit to my 'Guru', which filled me up with new energy, gave me the clarity into the next couple of month of healing journey?
Perhaps it is a lovely hour spent with my Yoga Teacher, a very wise and interesting woman with amazing stories and great energies?
Maybe it's my daughter, who has been in an extremly joyfull mood for the past couple of days....
Or the beginning of spring?

Whatever it is, it is in me, it feels great and I am not letting it go! I will be holding onto this feeling, embrace it completely and nurture it as long as possible - never mind the lumps, cracked ribs, muscle spasms...
I am content, I am in a great place, filled with peace and clarity.

Life is beautiful!