Like A Yo-Yo

Coming off steroids isn't fun. I feel annoyed, shaky inside, weak on the outside. Still moon faced, horribly bloated and being very thin haired doesn't help.
The good part is, I am reducing the steroids. Hopefully I can go down to zero. That's the goal. At the moment I'm down to 3mg, from original 4mg.

The above was written about 4 weeks ago now...
Since than, all has changed. Again.
As I reduced the steroids down to 2.5mg, the pain returned with the vengeance. So I quickly increased the dose back up. And up. And up, to the old 4mg....
There goes my excitement of getting rid of the drug.
The worst part is, once the pain comes back (with the vengeance), it likes to take a very long time to settle. And by saying very long time, I mean weeks! It's happened previously and it's the third time now. I hope to have learned the lesson.

Back to the pain... Yet again! That horrid pain that keeps me up at night, makes me pop extra pills like lollies. The pain that makes me cry out loud for hours, makes me angry, frustrated, uncentered, irritated... It makes me not being able to concentrate and makes me tired, sleepy, cranky, upset, unsettled, sad, sometimes doubtful, unable to meditate .... The kind of pain that pretty much takes over my existence.
I now know it's temporarily, but that doesn't make it any easier. Easier to handle emotionally perhaps, but not physically. It is just plain hard.

In one of those moments of pain, this insight came by:
'We are never given what we are not able to handle'
Blah, blah, blah... I thought at the time, since I was in agony and I didn't feel like I was handling it at all.
But, here I am. Yes, I am strong, positive, determined and I love life, no matter. I love life so much, that no matter how bad my pain, I am willing to handle it. Handle it in any way I possibly can. I am doing whatever it takes to get well again.

Like a Yo-Yo, that's my life at the moment. And the moment seems to last forever ...
But that's it, I suppose. No matter how bad it is, there are million things around me every day, reminding me how precious and beautiful my life is.
The nature with its crisp ocean breeze, my family with the warmth of hugs and kisses, or lovely self-initiated 'I love you's by my daughter, the deliciousness of fresh, nutritious food, the fun times filled with laughter, surrounded by my dear friends, ....
All different things, great and small. In every moment of our life. Things considered good and the ones considered bad. All together, woven into this amazing journey called life.
And I decide to accept it all. Including pain.
I decide to stay right here, right now, being present in this very moment. Accepting every bit of it, as much as I possibly can. After all, Yo-Yos are meant to be fun, aren't they?

"If You Think You Can Or If You Think You Can Not, You Are Right!"

Very wise quote by Henry Ford. It made me think, many times... And every time I agreed to it, strongly.

I had a full body bone scan yesterday. Results reviewed by my Doctor today. The results were 'kind of' neutral. I say neutral, because they weren't really much worse than a year ago, which in the 'advanced cancer terms' means good.
Well, bad news is, that even after chemo, there still are 30+ tumors showing in the bones pretty much all over my body: scull, neck, one of the shoulders, all over ribs, lower spine, mid spine, upper spine, both hips, pelvis, down both legs.... yes, all over.
However, they are not new. They have been there for well over a year, they haven't grown and many of them are possibly shrinking.

The above news can easily be taken with a huge disappointment and negativity. I could easily make myself feel sad, angry, scared, doubtful, full of 'what ifs' etc. And possibly make myself spiral into the darkness and depression.
But I choose not to.
I take the news as positive. Very much so.
There is no talk about my organs being affected, which is great. No talk about being worse, or that chemotherapy is not working, or that there are no more treatments left etc.
My pain level is much better than a month ago, which is fantastic. I am reducing the painkillers again, yay! I feel quite well, energetic. Physically much better than 6 months ago, much stronger, too. Mentally, I am filled with clarity on what to do next. Spiritually, I am content and with deeply seeded trust and belief that all is unfolding perfectly.

It is all in the mind, isn't it? We make choices every single moment of our life. We are blessed with being absolutely free to decide on pretty much everything: what we eat,  what we wear, what we say, what we think, how we feel... Every moment of every single day. It is completely up to us. And it is all in our head (or wherever the mind might be hidden...). Our mind is such an amazingly powerful tool.

A negative outlook vs a positive outlook. Both extremely powerful. So different, complete opposites, but yet both 100% right. Can you see that?

How about you? Which outlook do you decide to follow?

Winter Is Over

What huge few months I've just lived through!

Bones are full of cancer, lymph nodes got few new tumors and even my brain's got few tumors!
I had numerous radiotherapy sessions to ease my pain, a brain surgery to remove the biggest tumor at the back of my head - above my neck, and I underwent the 'gamma knife treatment' for other few (4) little tumors in my brain.

Not sure where to start...

The horrid pain I went through I suppose, which made me visit my Radio Oncologist. He appointed me to the Palliative Care team to give me painkillers for short term relief and prescribed numerous sessions of radiotherapy for long term relief.
Both worked well, although I was quite drugged there for a while trying to find the right type and dose of painkillers.
I remember at one instance I was so drugged, I was afraid / paranoid to leave the house or have any contact with outside world. But I felt pain-free and quite happy.... That being 15 years ago, I would have appreciated it. Not at present though.
Radiotherapy was quite smooth sailing, apart from the last part, when they decided to give me a week's dose in an hour, aimed through my stomach to mid spine and made me sicker vomiting than I have ever been in my life before. Back to the hospital I went on the same night, got some extra drugs and felt better.

Thinking about it now, I could describe half of my winter as being on some seriously heavy drugs.
They included steroids as well, which made me hungry and I ate a lot! Still healthy 'raw' type food though, sticking to my new lifestyle.

These days, I allow myself to have a once a month 'whatever you want to eat' day and I usually end up having some lovely lean organic beef. I also let myself have a little bit of (lowest in salt) cheese and quite a lot of dark chocolate (organic raw vegan friendly style).

Next on the list was the brain surgery!
I met up with neurosurgeon to discuss the procedure. I didn't really want to know the details, nor possible complications. All I wanted to find out was what kind of person he is, how his energies are and what music (if any) he listens to while operating. I was very pleased with him, especially after finding out that him and his team are big fans of U2... Being a huge fan myself, I ordered U2 to be on the playlist during my surgery... And no negatives to be spoken.
I was a bit nervous, I must say, but reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel really helped me to stay positive, learn to be an 'exceptional' patient and  fully trust the process and the Universe.
It was the perfect book to be read and I highly recommend it to anyone facing a serious illness or any medical procedures.
I came to the hospital positively charged and 100% ready. I truly did feel like an 'exceptional' patient. Especially after the surgery went so well that I ended up being discharged in 3 days - a day prior to the best possible predicted outcome.
The surgery left me with 21 staples down the back of my head.

Next on the list was the very expensive, new and the only one available in the whole of Australia  'Gamma Knife Treatment'. It is a laser surgery / radiotherapy, without incision, ran by the team of doctors (including Radio Oncologist and Neurosurgeon) and done in a MRI looking machine. It only lasts few hours, no overnight hospital stay, you can play your own music (so I prepared the 'Gamma Knife' playlist on my iPhone), but most importantly, there are no side effects, no hair loss.... The only downside was the steel frame they 'installed' onto my head, which left me with lots of bruising and a very obvious black eye, which hadn't gone away for a couple of weeks.

It's over now.
The weather is getting warmer, bruising is gone, drugs are reduced to minimum, my head is well healed, bold spots covered with fresh growing hair... Spring is near.

I had this amazing powerful feeling the other day. I felt totally empowered.
"I am amazing!" I thought to myself, "I've had a brain surgery! I am surviving a very serious advanced cancer! And I feel fantastic!"

Bring on the SPRING!

I Don't Want To Die

'I don't want to die' was my first thought back in early February 2008, when a surgeon confirmed the lump in my breast is an aggressive cancer!

No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....

I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.

2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.

It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.

Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.

Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!

Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!