Chemotherapy - oh how I dislike you!

I had the second round of the fifth cycle of chemotherapy today. Initially, I was going to have four cycles. Then to be re-assessed and prescribed another two to five rounds if needed. However, I had a couple of lengthy four weeks breaks in between (instead of just one week), that I decided to take myself, so I tailored my treatment by myself, without Doctor's consent. Gutsy, hey?!?
Since I've already had two lots of chemotherapy four years ago, I knew taking breaks doesn't make a difference to the whole treatment regime. Chemotherapy is such powerful and poisonous thing, it stays in your system for years.

Since diagnosed for the second time in December 2010, chemotherapy was the one and only most threatening thing for me next to the possibility of dying. The fear of death first, chemotherapy the close second. It was the thing I decided not to ever experience again. It is indescribably horrid. And unless you have experienced having chemotherapy yourself, you would not have a clue how horrid it is. Everything. From the actual place where you sit to get your chemotherapy drugs administered, the process of it, the all sickly looking people around you (no offence, but mostly older by at least 20 years in my case!), the lights, the smell, the outfits that chemotherapy nurses wear (which look like they are dealing with the nuclear weapon), the actual process of waiting for the poisonous liquid to flow through the veins, all the pills for possible side effects... It is all just plain horrid and it feels wrong. On so many levels.
I was postponing my chemotherapy until even after I had 5 tumors removed from my brain in July 2011, all the way to November 2011, when my vertebrae collapsed the second time in a year and pretty much every single Doctor (the total of five!) told me to have a go or else I could end up in a wheelchair...
So I listened and I opened myself to it.

Needless to say, on the night before the first round of the first cycle of chemotherapy, I felt extremely nervous, irritated and stressed. I pretty much couldn't do anything. To try and practice mindfulness seemed impossible. However I did think of an excellent exercise called 'Inner Peace' I read about in the book called The Mind That Changes Everything. It is a visualisation meditation which can help you find the inner peace under most irritating circumstances.
And the most amazing thing happened.

As I was led into the exercise (by my loving man), an amazing bright light shone all over me. It was strong, warm and extremely powerful. It felt totally safe to be surrounded by it. And as it shone, it started shrinking, closing in on me, closer and closer, until it went inside of me and all over my body, shrinking and shrinking, ending up inside my heart, a powerful, warm light shining... Inside me. I felt calm, safe and 100% certain all is as it is supposed to be. I am doing the right thing.

My trip to the chemotherapy session the next day was accompanied by peace and all was feeling right, smooth and healing. Even my lumps have visibly started shrinking in the two weeks afterwards. And when my hair started falling out, it only thinned and not fell out completely...
But then, after the second cycle , I had a meltdown and hit the wall. The lumps stopped shrinking, I started finding it very hard to be 'embracing' chemotherapy and the feeling of it being horrid came back...
That horrible hostile feeling hasn't left since. If anything, it intensified.

Today, as I was sitting in the waiting room for way too long, my thoughts started playing up. I wanted it to be all finished. I hated being there. I couldn't stand sitting there, getting that horrid poison into my veins, possibly for the second last time ever, but still...

My check up (including the full body bone scan to assess the progress of the treatment) is approaching and I started questioning everything.
What if all these didn't work?
I still have the same amount of visible lumps. They aren't any bigger, but I am not so sure if they've gotten any smaller. I am back on the same dose of pain medication I was at the beginning of chemotherapy, while it should have been reduced by now... I am mentally not at that peaceful place I was at before I started chemotherapy and my physical body has yet again been poisoned, completely, by some horribly heavy drugs, which are having numerous side effects (and possibly no benefits) and my body has even changed visibly in the shape. Some extremely serious things are happening!
I had another mini meltdown.
I took off, sat in the car and cried out loud. I felt sorry for myself. I questioned the universe yet again: why me???

But the mini meltdown finished fast. I went in, had my chemo and I'm coming back next Tuesday for (what I decided to be) the last one (possibly ever!), regardless of the results of my scan.
I know there are many other options out there for me to explore, pursue and embrace if I have to.

The Monstrosity Of Pain

There are two things that have been present in the past few weeks of my life. One of them is pain, the other is crankiness.
I believe they are both here with me to teach me a huge lesson but I have decided to write only about the pain today...
Pain is the one that I dislike the most. It's a feeling that I don't wish upon anyone. Or, is it a feeling at all? What is pain, actually?
It is horrible, it is annoying and  irritating. It hurts, stings and burns on a physical level and it overtakes me, totally consumes me, on a mental level. It is most unwelcome thing coming to me with the diagnosis of cancer spreading to the bone. The more I think of it, the more I know it's the actual pain that bothers me, not the cancer...
It's the pain that makes me take painkillers - strong opiates, steroids and occasionally additional medicine for so called 'breakthrough' pain. And they all come with some sort of side effects. From having constant food cravings, mood swings, bloating or constipation (what a choice, hey?!), to the change in my physical appearance (I am now moon-faced!).
I had a good session discussing pain with my mentor and came to the conclusion of trying to just being with it. So I tried. And I still am trying. Through the meditation or  just sitting and resting with it. It is hard.
Right now, when I am ok, with my pain level down to 2 out of 10, seems easy and light. However, when one wakes up at 3am with unbearable burning pain up and down the whole leg, from hips to toes, level 11 out of 10, there is no way of just 'being' with it. There is absolutely nothing to do... You top up the painkillers to the max, but it takes at least 1/2h for them to kick in. Meanwhile, you are there, in the middle of the night, in absolute agony, with nothing to do... Nothing but react. Mindfulness, patience, niceness, politeness, everything I aspire to be and practice through the day and every nice piece of me just blows away in the dark. That's when the anger and sadness and bitterness kick in.... And I cry... And I sob... And I wish that, just for few minutes, someone I know would feel the way I feel right then, just so they understand me that little bit better. That tiny little bit. I want to feel empathy in the true form.
Why? Perhaps it is because I don't want people around me to always see me and think of me as being strong. I don't want everyone to always tell me how well I am or how well I handle everything that I'm going through... No! I sometimes need people around me to feel sorry for me, because the truth is, it is hard, sometimes harder than anyone can imagine. And I am not handling it the way I want to. I am not strong. I do suffer. And I suffer a lot. There is nothing easy about living with pain of any sort and there is absolutely nothing easy about living with cancer.
I feel the love of my beautiful man. I feel his frustrations at 3am, trying to help. But there's nothing he can do apart from handing me the 'breakthrough' pills, a heat pack, perhaps holding my hand and listen to me, angrily and desperately sobbing in absolute agony... It must be so hard for him. And yet there I am, wishing I could pass on my pain to him, even if just for few minutes. Does that make me a horrible person? Perhaps. But I don't care. Not at 3am. All I care about is me and all I wish is the pain to go away.
Yes, it's not cancer that I truly want to get rid off, it's the pain.
Luckily, it's not always that way. There are days when all is well and there are most nights that I sleep soundly. But I did hurt my tumors in the hip area on the recent travel for a weekend away, carrying the luggage (stupid me, not having a 'wheelie' suitcase!) and the last few weeks of pain were the price I had to pay.
My pain has now somehow settled. Still there, but not over 5 out of 10, much easier managed. And I am back to being optimistic, seeing the day in the future without painkillers. I know it is achievable and I know it will happen!
Meanwhile, I am learning the hard lesson of living with pain, caused by cancer and yes, I am mindfully working on 'being with it'. But please, oh, please don't mention anything about that particular learning process if I ever wake up at 3am!

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"

We are all familiar with the above quote by Friedrich Nietzsche.
Yes, we all kind of believe that, don't we? Well, at least I do. The quote itself makes me feel pretty good about myself. Thinking through the words, makes me feel more at ease travelling through challenges of life. And the word 'stronger' makes me feel powerful...

But yet on occasion, I think to myself: 'What the...?'
How strong do some of us have to be? How strong will I be by the end of my life? What if I'm now content as I am, strong enough, that's it, finished, all done and dusted... ?!?! I need no more!

Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. There is no remote control to press 'pause', not even for a moment. Or perhaps there is, and that 'pause' button is actually the 'mindfulness meditation'? The time we take to just sit still for half an hour or so and do absolutely nothing. Pause. In the present moment. Completely in the now. Nowhere else. 
At some points over the past year, I have found myself in that present, peaceful state quite often. It feels so amazing it's addictive.
But yet, more often than not, I find myself stuck in my busy state of mind, caught up in thoughts and with the new learned belief of 'embracing' it all, find myself slightly stressed out when something unpleasant happens and I can't really embrace it. It might make me stronger, yes, but it doesn't mean I have to embrace it.

Today, while talking to my counsellor (I should really call her my mentor instead), I realised I have been putting too much pressure on myself for trying to embrace every single moment of my life. 'Embracing' is a very powerful word and although positive, it can easily turn into negative if you find it difficult to embrace a particular situation that happens. It can cause quite a bit of stress when you are not honest with your emotions towards the circumstance. At least in my case.
I realised earlier today, I don't want to embrace unpleasant things anymore. I am accepting them though. In fact, I've learned to accept everything that came my way so far.
From now on, rather than embracing, I will just BE with it. Be, with whatever comes my way, good, bad, nice, sad, happy, exciting, horrible, annoying, irritating, or whatever else there is...

So back to the quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. Yes, great, I am strong, because I am still alive after numerous challenges of my life that could have killed me. But, how strong do I really need to become? Or better, how strong do I want to be? What if I feel I am now strong enough? Can I ask life to stop throwing the 'life threatenning' challenges at me? Please?!?!

How about you? How strong are you?

I am In A Good Place

Too often I get: 'Oh Tina, I am so sorry for you...' kind of statement from an acquaintance or a dear friend.
Lots of comparing, too, like 'I got this horrid cold / flu / gastro, nothing like you though...'
or 'Been crazy at work, way too busy, too stressful, but nothing compared to what you're going through...'

Can I please ask you all to STOP comparing!
I am in a good place.

I know how you feel. I seriously get it. I can remember, I've been there. I can still (even if only just) vaguely feel it all over my body, mostly in my chest and tummy, that unpleasant feeling of tightness, shortness of breath, stress, feeling of being trapped... Or that other feeling of being so unwell from cold or flu, that you can't get out of bed, feeling weak, one moment hot and sweaty, next moment cold and shaky... Or when your throat is so bad you can't swallow anything but a luke warm tea perhaps... Or the self inflicted sicknesses like when you had too much to drink and spend the whole night in the bathroom....Or when you picked up some gastro somewhere....
It is a horrible feeling! Horrible and horrible again. Especially when you have no time to rest (because of deadlines at work) or have no knowledge on how to handle it within you.
That feeling of constant inner stress (if repeated for lengthy periods of time), is what (to my opinion) causes serious critical illnesses such as cancer and / or many others.
All of the above are symptoms, a bit like warning signs from your physical body telling you to slow down, take a break. A rest. Time out. Perhaps take a nice relaxing holiday, respect your body, nurture it, love it... Make it feel better.
But unfortunately, more often than not, we instead pop few pills, perhaps give ourselves a day to recover, when we literally can not move, and then back to the action... Back to the busyness, stress, hobbies, parties, especially this time of the year.

Well, that was me, anyway...
Since my secondary diagnosis (it was 1 year anniversary yesterday), I have been on a healing journey.
Quite funny really, as I had a few most important projects still to finish at work last year before my 'end of year' deadline, but I had to see the Doctor because of my incapacitating back pain. I took a day off and after X - Ray results showed cancer had returned, my work disappeared from the priority list completely, totally, 100%. In fact, I have not worked from the office since 13th December 2010. A day before my diagnosis.

So, how important the job really was?
What is it that is truly important?

For me, right there and then, at the Doctor's suite delivering the news of 'cancer has returned', the only most important thing was life. Life, including my young family - my daughter, my partner and myself.

In my personal experience, that was it. As if the whole wide world (including all my other family members and dear friends) just completely disappeared.... Right there and then, in that moment of existence, there was only myself, being alive and well, with and for my daughter and my beautiful loving man. For that instant, absolutely nothing else mattered nor existed. It pretty much went blank.
It was a huge awakening.
And it was good. Priorities have since been so clear, there is no chance to ever un-see them again.

Right then, on 14th Dec 2010, with all the stresses of my past, going way back to my early childhood, the present lifestyle and the cancer diagnosis, I was in a very deep and dark place. In a place, where for few days I felt totally hopeless and seriously didn't see the way out. I had felt like I have completely lost control of life and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it...
Luckily, I found the book that opened my eyes, filled me with hope and I was able to climb out of that deep dark abyss and into the light, seeing there was future and it can be bright.
And so my healing journey started.

Comparing myself, my well being and the place I am at now, to the place I have been for many years in my past, it's literally like day and night. It is so different, I find it extremely difficult to put it into words.

I can try to describe the current place as the place of peace of mind, emotional stability, contentment, existence without stress, lots of clarity, obvious and vivid priorities; the future that is laid in front of me like a huge circle with million possibilities and not just one single path or perhaps a couple; the belief of trust and certainty that all really and truly is unfolding perfectly...
Never mind the lumps and fractures in my body, there is so much more than physical bodies.... It's the wholeness of ourselves. It's our mind, emotions, spiritualism, soul.
They all are to be attended to and have a special place in our existence, as it's only when they all are in balance and harmony, one as human being can truly be whole & complete, which leads to that ultimate state of contentment that most of us are striving to achieve...

So next time you're tempted to compare yourself with someone with some sort of serious disease, stop yourself and have a think ... Where am I at - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

As for me, although I physically am the most fragile and weak I have been in my life, I'm undergoing numerous treatments to improve that one part of my existence, but I truly am in a better than ever place before - emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am at peace.

'Meditation' or 'How I Discovered My New Best Friend'

If you are anything I used to be just over a year ago, your thoughts, excuses and opinions on meditation may sound a bit like these:

• I know I should, but it's not for me
• I know it's beneficial, but I can't do it
• I'm just not good at meditating
• I don't have time
• How boring is it to do nothing
• I just can't meditate
• I can't stop thinking

And many more....

My first experience with meditation goes back some 8 years ago when I started practicing yoga. We were having 45 min of a very strong, dynamic moving, active astanga vinyasa style session, followed by only 5-10 min of led relaxation meditation to finish. Those last 5 min seemed to last forever.... I was lying there, all sweaty and pumped after an excellent workout, with my mind going 100km/h. Couldn't wait for the 'yogi' bell to come up to finish the session, hurrying back to the busyness of the day. There was a great feeling I was left with, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the perfect balance that yoga is supposed to be all about. I felt hyper active, pumped, but somehow relaxed, clean, flexible and light moving. In the 8 years of active yoga practice, I unfortunately didn't get much of a deeper mental or spiritual benefit at all... It was almost solely physical experience.

Than, in December 2010, the diagnosis of advanced breast cancer that had spread into my spine, slapped me across the face. It was harsh. Very very harsh. It was the closest near death experience I've ever felt.

But it wasn't all bad, as it woke up the desire to change and brought up the need to heal. The very strong need,  which was hidden somewhere deep inside of me.

I found myself reading the first book at the very beginning of this particular journey - You Can Conquer Cancer by Dr. Ian Gawler (the founder of The Gawler Foundation) and it all started to unfold. The puzzle to re-build my new self, my new life in perfect health, was right there in front of me and I discovered tools that can be of enormous help.
One of those most important tools is MEDITATION.

Right there, during Christmas Holiday, on the beautiful Castaway Island of Fiji, I started to see and plan my future, my upcoming 'healing journey'. I began to understand the importance of meditation for the peace of mind.

Having cancer is one of the easiest, most guilt free or accusation free 'excuses' to be depressed, lose the will to live, the desire to ever change, to see positives, or just to simply even see the future... No one will ever say anything bad about you if you suddenly let yourself go depressed or caught in some extreme emotion of any way, while diagnosed with a potentially terminal, definitely life threatening disease such as cancer. Especially advanced cancer, with the very poor prognosis of (in some cases) only 3-6 months left to live. Everyone is there for you to make whatever left of your life easier and to support you with whichever step you may choose to take next.
So, no wonder many people go for 'living it up' lifestyle, filled with alcohol, party, junk food, busy and in a hurry to live while still alive, rushing through the 'bucket lists'.... Or the complete opposite of giving in, letting be sick and sooner, rather than later, let yourself go to rest in peace...

But, is that really what's all about? Are there really only these two choices?
Why, yes, for many there are, but I found myself in a very different position. I actually decided to get well again. And to do everything I possibly can, use all the tools available to help me achieve that. Meditation was one of the first tools I came across.

There are many types of meditation, for many purposes: relaxation for peace of mind and clarity, stillness, mindfulness, awareness for being present in the moment, imagery and visualization exercises...
They are all amazing, very beneficial and they actually all work in some kind of way. All you have to do is firstly open yourself to experimenting and commit to practice regularly. If you are well, you might only need as little as 10 min daily to start feeling benefits (in as short time as 2 weeks) and if you suffer from any of the life threatening or chronic conditions, you may need (or perhaps want) anywhere between half an hour to three hours daily, depending on many different circumstances.

Myself, being diagnosed with a seriously life threatening disease, and with a deep seeded belief of  'can not meditate', I decided to commit and scheduled in 3 half hour sessions a day in the first couple months of my 'healing journey'.
I also bought few guided meditation CDs, found myself an experienced meditation teacher, local meditation workshops and a local community based meditation group for once weekly 'meditation group' practice.

When I first started, it was hard, long and messy. I lay or sat there 3 x a day and tried not to think. But the more I tried, the more thoughts came flooding  through my brain. So I tried to concentrate on one particular point. In my case was the black space in front of my closed eyes. It was nice to find nothing was there. Just that blankness of it made me feel good and slightly relaxed.
As I spoke to my meditation teacher, I learned that there was no such thing as 'stop thinking'. That came as a huge and very welcome piece of information. All of a sudden the pressure of trying not to think has lifted.
'Wow, I can actually keep thinking!' I thought, 'That is great!'
And once I realised that, I pretty much stopped stressing about thoughts popping into my head. Every thought that arises, has since been welcome to arise, and off it goes away.... Without judgement, without attachment. And all of a sudden, there is no stress attached to it. Such a simple thing, yet such an enormous and fulfilling progress.

That was my first step in forming a very solid friendship with the meditation. No more stressing... It didn't leave me stressed or irritated anymore, but instead much calmer, relaxed, with a good peace of mind and some clarity.

I tried to read few books on meditation, but my 'boring' mind started kicking in.... No, I am not a very keen reader. My relationship with meditation is much more exciting when put into practice.
But I did find (and I still do) guided meditation CDs very useful. Some of my very favourite CDs are Mindfulness Meditation with Paul & Maia Bedson and I can never go past Dr. Ian Gawler, his PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) and The Healing Journey. They are all available from www.gawler.org. And no, I am not sponsored by The Gawler Foundation, I just sincerely love their work, am their great fan and I am so very thankful to have found them. They have indeed played a major part on my healing journey.

Anyhow, that's my precious new friend, the meditation. I can not imagine my life without it anymore.
It's always there, with me.... Wherever I am, wherever I go. Whenever. Now, later, tomorrow, anytime, anywhere. It is a part of me now. It is the part, which I've never really known existed, the part I used to call 'boring' or perhaps the part that I, for some reason, chose to ignore. That very special part, somewhere deep within me, the calm, the stillness, the quite, peace, contentment.... And it's always there, easily accessible with my new best friend - the meditation.

I wish for GREEN to be the new PINK

October, the month of 'Pink Ribbon' for breast cancer awareness is finished.
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........

Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.

The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc

All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.

Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....

It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....

Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.

But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.

The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.

And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!

There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :

• change of diet to unprocessed, fresh, high alkaline, vegan / plant based
• no sugar, salt, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine
• freshly squeezed vegetable juices and / or smoothies
• meditation
• acceptance and love of life

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.

Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.

So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!

The Feeling Of Scared

There it is... The feeling of being scared is back.
It's been a while.
I am to acknowledge the feeling, embrace it, and then move on to a peaceful place.

So I am acknowledging it.

It is not a nice feeling. I can feel it in the chest, slightly short in breath, chatterbox on full volume in my head... 'What if' seems to be the most popular beginning of the questions forming in my mind:
What if I'm wrong?
What if I won't ever feel better?
What if I am going to be feeling more and more pain again?
What if all the lumps in my body start growing bigger and bigger?
What if I'm disillusioned seeing myself healthy in near future?
What if I am still in a denial?
What if I die in few years???

I love my daughter so much. There is no way in the world (or the whole universe) I would ever want to leave her. She is most amazing.
I love myself, too. But, do I love myself enough? Do I love myself enough to get my act together and get back into the routine I know it's most important on my healing journey? The routine of daily practice that brings me 'the peace of mind'... It's all right there in front of me, ready to be done... It's just that, for some reason, I have fallen into this 'I need a break' mode.
I need a break???!!!!??? What the...?!? What kind of break? A break from contentment? A break from 'peace of mind'?

Obviously, it is hard work to sustain the contentment, that's why there are so many miserable people walking around the world.
It is a constant, sometimes more than once daily, practice. It took me at least a couple of weeks to start feeling positive effects. And it took me about two weeks without practice to start feeling negative effects.

The time is NOW!
It is now, that I am to stop, take few deep breaths and keep still for 20 minutes of peace and quite. But, will I? My mind is playing up....
Here I am, writing the post instead.

All of a sudden, as 'the feeling of scared' was acknowledged, I am starting to embrace it!
I'll keep lovingly embracing it for a while longer.

I know it's healthy to feel scared sometimes, and I know it's OK to feel sorry for myself for having such serious disease. I know everyone gets scared sometimes, especially scared of death.

I also know I do love myself enough to get back into my so needed and loved state of contentment. And I am feeling blessed and very grateful to have the knowledge and all of the tools necessary to achieve it, over and over again.
But in times when fear creeps up out of the deepest dungeon, I wish I had someone to accompany me, perhaps hold my hand, whisper in my ear quietly and lovingly, hold me tight and lead me there, where I need to go...
However I do know it is my very own personal journey, which only I alone can travel, to reach my goal of perfect health - in my mind, body and soul!

I Don't Want To Die

'I don't want to die' was my first thought back in early February 2008, when a surgeon confirmed the lump in my breast is an aggressive cancer!

No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....

I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.

2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.

It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.

Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.

Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!

Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!