Midnight Monologue (With The Pain)

Why are you here?
What is it that you are telling me?
What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to treat you?
How can I possibly just 'be with it' when it hurts so bad?
Is it the leftover pain from within that needs to be let go off? Perhaps acknowledged properly first?
Let go off pain - how? With tears? That seems to help, but only if in a combination of painkiller top ups, monologues like this one and the number of mixed emotions (from deep sadness and helplessness to indescribable frustration and anger) ....

I am acknowledging how blessed I am with my life in the now. I am so blessed to have most loving & caring man & most amazing daughter, my perfect family. Beautiful friends. In the now.

But it wasn't always like that. My past life was unpleasant. My childhood was filled with domestic violence and abuse on all levels. It was almost a complete opposite to my current life. I believe I dealt with all that a long time ago. I believe I have moved on.
Practicing mindfulness, should I keep going back to try and explore all my past wounds further? Randomly or intentionally? Only if the feelings arise or regardless - even when all seems perfect in the now?
I seriously feel I have moved on. Definitely don't feel stuck.
But perhaps I am, on a subconscious level, without realizing?
Perhaps that's what the pain is all about? The leftover of deeply seeded hurt, guilt, fear and anger from my childhood years.
Although I don't feel the guilt, nor fear or anger at present anymore, it could as well be still there, cemented somewhere deep down, and coming out as a horrid & unbearable pain. Is that possible?

Perhaps the right answer truly is: let it be ... and then: let it go

I'm here in Melbourne for a weekend meditation workshop as I'm writing this post. And it's not just any kind of meditation workshop. It's The Mind That Changes Everything, run by Ian Gawler, one of the key inspirations and teachers on my healing journey. I feel so blessed to be able to attend this workshop. And it might as well be perfect timing for my pain to have returned and possibly given me the opportunity to explore it into details, acknowledge it & accept it, (dare I say it) embrace it and finally possibly let it go .... This time for good?
Or perhaps I need to learn to live with it in a loving manner.
Learning to love the pain, well , that's a huge challenge I would love to conquer! So I now open myself to the universe to send me the message once again, to lighten the right path so I can keep heading into the right direction.

Affirmation:
I now lovingly accept every single bit of myself, from my appearance, to my thoughts, feelings and emotions, including aches and pains.
All is me & I am all. Only because of it ALL, I've been moulded into the magnificent person I am today.

Hope

The definition of HOPE: " A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

When you are faced with the diagnosis of advanced cancer (the cancer that has spread through different parts of the body), or any other seriously life threatening disease, hope is the one and only most important starting point. There is absolutely nothing without hope. No hope, no future.

When I heard my GP voicing the words: "I'm afraid the Xray results show the cancer has come back... " all went completely and absolutely blank. All. Everything disappeared and I was in a deep, empty, dark, black hole, nothing and no one with me, next to me, nor around me. I was in a total state of shock.
The one and only thing I remember to feel was an enormous fear. The fear of death. And an instant question arised: "how long before I die?"
I felt completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal.
Although always considering myself as a strong person with a solution to any problem thrown at me, at that very moment of the diagnosis, I was completely blank. Totally blinded by it. There was no answer, no solution, no potential plan, absolutely no hope...
All I could think of, when the initial shock settled slightly, was something to help me get through a week of pre-christmas celebrations we had lined up. So I asked my GP for sedatives.

Then, after few days of hazily and hopelessly wandering around under the influence of Valium, I decided to make a trip to the bookshop.
As I browsed through the shelves, a book called You Can Conquer Cancer jumped right out to my attention, and I decided to buy it.
The very next day we travelled to the beautiful Castaway Island in Fiji for our christmas holiday. I stopped taking Valium and started reading the book. It only took a page to fill me up with hope.

And there we are - HOPE!
Hope to me right then and there presented the shift of my feelings from being completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal, to:

• start seeing the little sparkle of possibility of survival
• getting answers to million questions
• seeing the path to possible solutions
• opening the options of numerous treatments available
• opportunity for an enormous lifestyle change
• finding the positives to lean on
• million reasons to keep believing in positives
• finding the strength to not give in to the prognosis
• determination to stick to my new healthy life-style change
• love to life, myself and to people around me
• and the list goes on

Hope is so important. It is (next to love) the main driver in my life.
Hope made me get rid of fear and uncertainty about the future, and instead makes me dream, plan, start doing and keep focusing on the joys of living. It makes me see the future bright and clear, no matter what obstacles (and there are many on my journey) I encounter. With hope within me, I feel safe and certain that no matter what comes my way in the future, all will be well, always.

Living With Cancer vs Dying From Cancer

It was last Friday (Good Friday) that Australian Current Affairs (ACA) aired Cancer Cure Claim, featuring Dr. Ian Gawler (http://www.gawlerblog.com/).
It was with excitement I awaited to see an amazing man such as Dr Ian Gawler on mainstream television. Advanced cancer survivor of 30+ years, with then seriously poor prognosis of maximum 6 months to live in mid 70s... And here he is now, in 2012, still going strong, healthy and well and helping others living with cancer and numerous general people who aspire to live a healthy, well balanced life. His foundation and him personally cover many aspects of mind - body medicine and encourage people to take control of their well - being in an integrative way.
He is the main inspiration on my own cancer journey and I feel absolutely nothing but pure respect towards him.

If you watched the segment on ACA, you would have soon realised that the story didn't unfold the way I expected. In fact, it was completely opposite, condemning the amazing work Ian has been advocating over the past 25+ years. I was left extremely sad and disappointed.

I stayed at The Gawler Foundation (http://www.gawler.org/) twice last year.
First time it was soon after my diagnosis of advanced breast cancer. I attended a 10 day residential program and after an amazing and very empowering experience of abundant learning about the path of the journey of living with cancer, I decided to return to attend a 5 day follow up 'cancer retreat' later in the year, together with my partner. Needless to say, it was the best thing I have ever done for myself in my whole entire life.

I can briefly list just a few things I have learned at The Gawler Foundation:

• how to take control of my 'cancer journey' (to make decisions of my treatments - conventional such as chemotherapy, radiotherapy, surgery and complementary such as acupuncture, holistic GP, massage...  with clarity and determination)
• how to accept my diagnosis and achieve peace of mind (tools and techniques)
• how to eliminate my past emotional barriers (counselling and some helpful self-techniques and practices, useful resources - books, CDs, podcasts...)
• how to look after myself physically (with proper nutrition, diet, exercise...)
• the importance of balanced life (mind body soul)
• and many many more

Overall, it was very intense, but totally life - changing experience.

So, watching the segment on ACA last Friday, condemning the amazing work they do at The Gawler Foundation, was nothing less but heartbreaking for me. And the comment by Tracy Grimshaw to finish with: "Desperate people do desperate things" was completely improper and out of place.
I am not anywhere near close to being a desperate person, nor is anyone I have crossed paths while at The Gawler Foundation.

Living life with cancer is very challenging. It is a very fine line between living with cancer and dying from it. I am a strong believer in the power of mind. Yes, of course there are million types of different cancers, and even though advanced and many seem the same, yet they are all different. Just as people are different, cancers behave differently. How come some people with the 'same' type of cancer fall into statistics and die exactly in due time, while others live many years and can have good quality of life regardless of diagnosis?!?
I don't know about you, but my common sense tells me to look for clues and answers in people that are long term survivors. Especially those rare few who are considered 'spontaneous remissions'. And when you do start reading and researching into those cases, you find there are many more than your average Oncologist (like Dr. Lowenthal who appeared on ACA) tells you.

Unfortunately our conventional medicine can only afford researches into prevention and treatment drugs, sponsored by huge pharmaceutical companies, which are not interested in long term survivors, but rather in people who have cancer and need those heavy drugs to somehow extend their life or ease them into death. It is a huge industry. I, as a cancer patient, undergoing numerous treatments, am worth tens of thousands of dollars a year, if not hundreds... Once I'm in a remission (a survivor!), treatments and medications stop and I am no longer of any value to them. That, sadly, is reality.
So no wonder there are no funds to support research in long term survivors... Quite cruel, isn't it?

I do apologise for the lengthy post and I am extremely grateful if you are still reading it. But I have to get this off my chest, as I find it quite frustrating and extremely unfair.

All I tried to explain is the difference between LIVING WITH CANCER and DYING FROM CANCER. I am living with it. And I am living well. In fact, my quality of life is way higher now then has ever been before.

It is both, good and bad, when I either see someone I haven't seen in ages or meet someone new and they say: 'so sorry about your cancer, wow, but you look so good, I would have never thought...'
It's good because it's true. Although I look different (from side effects of numerous different drugs I am on) I still look healthy and well. Probably healthier than most of the general population, as I am looking after myself with extremely healthy diet and lifestyle.
And it's bad, because general person expects me (diagnosed with advanced / secondary / a very serious stage 4 cancer) to look like I'm dying.

And that, I suppose is the main difference.
The perception of the world today still is that having cancer means one will die way before their time, while in fact, one actually can live an extremely fulfilling abundant life managing cancer just as any other chronic illness.
Or even better, just as the likes of Dr.Ian Gawler or another amazing Australian - Petrea King (the founder of Quest For Life), one can achieve the state of complete remission.

Hopefully, sometime in the very near future every single newly diagnosed cancer patient will aim for the above.
And I sincerely hope that our conventional Doctors, Oncologists and media, start encouraging the awakenings of survivors within us all and support us all to take path towards this amazing and already achievable goal, with all their respect, optimism and positivity or just keep nice and quite, and learn to practice some compassion if there's nothing hopeful to be said...

I wish for GREEN to be the new PINK

October, the month of 'Pink Ribbon' for breast cancer awareness is finished.
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........

Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.

The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc

All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.

Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....

It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....

Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.

But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.

The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.

And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!

There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :

• change of diet to unprocessed, fresh, high alkaline, vegan / plant based
• no sugar, salt, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine
• freshly squeezed vegetable juices and / or smoothies
• meditation
• acceptance and love of life

It sounds simple, doesn't it?
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.

Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.

So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!