I had the second round of the fifth cycle of chemotherapy today. Initially, I was going to have four cycles. Then to be re-assessed and prescribed another two to five rounds if needed. However, I had a couple of lengthy four weeks breaks in between (instead of just one week), that I decided to take myself, so I tailored my treatment by myself, without Doctor's consent. Gutsy, hey?!?
Since I've already had two lots of chemotherapy four years ago, I knew taking breaks doesn't make a difference to the whole treatment regime. Chemotherapy is such powerful and poisonous thing, it stays in your system for years.
Since diagnosed for the second time in December 2010, chemotherapy was the one and only most threatening thing for me next to the possibility of dying. The fear of death first, chemotherapy the close second. It was the thing I decided not to ever experience again. It is indescribably horrid. And unless you have experienced having chemotherapy yourself, you would not have a clue how horrid it is. Everything. From the actual place where you sit to get your chemotherapy drugs administered, the process of it, the all sickly looking people around you (no offence, but mostly older by at least 20 years in my case!), the lights, the smell, the outfits that chemotherapy nurses wear (which look like they are dealing with the nuclear weapon), the actual process of waiting for the poisonous liquid to flow through the veins, all the pills for possible side effects... It is all just plain horrid and it feels wrong. On so many levels.
I was postponing my chemotherapy until even after I had 5 tumors removed from my brain in July 2011, all the way to November 2011, when my vertebrae collapsed the second time in a year and pretty much every single Doctor (the total of five!) told me to have a go or else I could end up in a wheelchair...
So I listened and I opened myself to it.
Needless to say, on the night before the first round of the first cycle of chemotherapy, I felt extremely nervous, irritated and stressed. I pretty much couldn't do anything. To try and practice mindfulness seemed impossible. However I did think of an excellent exercise called 'Inner Peace' I read about in the book called The Mind That Changes Everything. It is a visualisation meditation which can help you find the inner peace under most irritating circumstances.
And the most amazing thing happened.
As I was led into the exercise (by my loving man), an amazing bright light shone all over me. It was strong, warm and extremely powerful. It felt totally safe to be surrounded by it. And as it shone, it started shrinking, closing in on me, closer and closer, until it went inside of me and all over my body, shrinking and shrinking, ending up inside my heart, a powerful, warm light shining... Inside me. I felt calm, safe and 100% certain all is as it is supposed to be. I am doing the right thing.
My trip to the chemotherapy session the next day was accompanied by peace and all was feeling right, smooth and healing. Even my lumps have visibly started shrinking in the two weeks afterwards. And when my hair started falling out, it only thinned and not fell out completely...
But then, after the second cycle , I had a meltdown and hit the wall. The lumps stopped shrinking, I started finding it very hard to be 'embracing' chemotherapy and the feeling of it being horrid came back...
That horrible hostile feeling hasn't left since. If anything, it intensified.
Today, as I was sitting in the waiting room for way too long, my thoughts started playing up. I wanted it to be all finished. I hated being there. I couldn't stand sitting there, getting that horrid poison into my veins, possibly for the second last time ever, but still...
My check up (including the full body bone scan to assess the progress of the treatment) is approaching and I started questioning everything.
What if all these didn't work?
I still have the same amount of visible lumps. They aren't any bigger, but I am not so sure if they've gotten any smaller. I am back on the same dose of pain medication I was at the beginning of chemotherapy, while it should have been reduced by now... I am mentally not at that peaceful place I was at before I started chemotherapy and my physical body has yet again been poisoned, completely, by some horribly heavy drugs, which are having numerous side effects (and possibly no benefits) and my body has even changed visibly in the shape. Some extremely serious things are happening!
I had another mini meltdown.
I took off, sat in the car and cried out loud. I felt sorry for myself. I questioned the universe yet again: why me???
But the mini meltdown finished fast. I went in, had my chemo and I'm coming back next Tuesday for (what I decided to be) the last one (possibly ever!), regardless of the results of my scan.
I know there are many other options out there for me to explore, pursue and embrace if I have to.
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Living With Cancer vs Dying From Cancer
It was last Friday (Good Friday) that Australian Current Affairs (ACA) aired Cancer Cure Claim, featuring Dr. Ian Gawler (http://www.gawlerblog.com/).
It was with excitement I awaited to see an amazing man such as Dr Ian Gawler on mainstream television. Advanced cancer survivor of 30+ years, with then seriously poor prognosis of maximum 6 months to live in mid 70s... And here he is now, in 2012, still going strong, healthy and well and helping others living with cancer and numerous general people who aspire to live a healthy, well balanced life. His foundation and him personally cover many aspects of mind - body medicine and encourage people to take control of their well - being in an integrative way.
He is the main inspiration on my own cancer journey and I feel absolutely nothing but pure respect towards him.
If you watched the segment on ACA, you would have soon realised that the story didn't unfold the way I expected. In fact, it was completely opposite, condemning the amazing work Ian has been advocating over the past 25+ years. I was left extremely sad and disappointed.
I stayed at The Gawler Foundation (http://www.gawler.org/) twice last year.
First time it was soon after my diagnosis of advanced breast cancer. I attended a 10 day residential program and after an amazing and very empowering experience of abundant learning about the path of the journey of living with cancer, I decided to return to attend a 5 day follow up 'cancer retreat' later in the year, together with my partner. Needless to say, it was the best thing I have ever done for myself in my whole entire life.
I can briefly list just a few things I have learned at The Gawler Foundation:
So, watching the segment on ACA last Friday, condemning the amazing work they do at The Gawler Foundation, was nothing less but heartbreaking for me. And the comment by Tracy Grimshaw to finish with: "Desperate people do desperate things" was completely improper and out of place.
I am not anywhere near close to being a desperate person, nor is anyone I have crossed paths while at The Gawler Foundation.
Living life with cancer is very challenging. It is a very fine line between living with cancer and dying from it. I am a strong believer in the power of mind. Yes, of course there are million types of different cancers, and even though advanced and many seem the same, yet they are all different. Just as people are different, cancers behave differently. How come some people with the 'same' type of cancer fall into statistics and die exactly in due time, while others live many years and can have good quality of life regardless of diagnosis?!?
I don't know about you, but my common sense tells me to look for clues and answers in people that are long term survivors. Especially those rare few who are considered 'spontaneous remissions'. And when you do start reading and researching into those cases, you find there are many more than your average Oncologist (like Dr. Lowenthal who appeared on ACA) tells you.
Unfortunately our conventional medicine can only afford researches into prevention and treatment drugs, sponsored by huge pharmaceutical companies, which are not interested in long term survivors, but rather in people who have cancer and need those heavy drugs to somehow extend their life or ease them into death. It is a huge industry. I, as a cancer patient, undergoing numerous treatments, am worth tens of thousands of dollars a year, if not hundreds... Once I'm in a remission (a survivor!), treatments and medications stop and I am no longer of any value to them. That, sadly, is reality.
So no wonder there are no funds to support research in long term survivors... Quite cruel, isn't it?
I do apologise for the lengthy post and I am extremely grateful if you are still reading it. But I have to get this off my chest, as I find it quite frustrating and extremely unfair.
All I tried to explain is the difference between LIVING WITH CANCER and DYING FROM CANCER. I am living with it. And I am living well. In fact, my quality of life is way higher now then has ever been before.
It is both, good and bad, when I either see someone I haven't seen in ages or meet someone new and they say: 'so sorry about your cancer, wow, but you look so good, I would have never thought...'
It's good because it's true. Although I look different (from side effects of numerous different drugs I am on) I still look healthy and well. Probably healthier than most of the general population, as I am looking after myself with extremely healthy diet and lifestyle.
And it's bad, because general person expects me (diagnosed with advanced / secondary / a very serious stage 4 cancer) to look like I'm dying.
And that, I suppose is the main difference.
The perception of the world today still is that having cancer means one will die way before their time, while in fact, one actually can live an extremely fulfilling abundant life managing cancer just as any other chronic illness.
Or even better, just as the likes of Dr.Ian Gawler or another amazing Australian - Petrea King (the founder of Quest For Life), one can achieve the state of complete remission.
Hopefully, sometime in the very near future every single newly diagnosed cancer patient will aim for the above.
And I sincerely hope that our conventional Doctors, Oncologists and media, start encouraging the awakenings of survivors within us all and support us all to take path towards this amazing and already achievable goal, with all their respect, optimism and positivity or just keep nice and quite, and learn to practice some compassion if there's nothing hopeful to be said...
It was with excitement I awaited to see an amazing man such as Dr Ian Gawler on mainstream television. Advanced cancer survivor of 30+ years, with then seriously poor prognosis of maximum 6 months to live in mid 70s... And here he is now, in 2012, still going strong, healthy and well and helping others living with cancer and numerous general people who aspire to live a healthy, well balanced life. His foundation and him personally cover many aspects of mind - body medicine and encourage people to take control of their well - being in an integrative way.
He is the main inspiration on my own cancer journey and I feel absolutely nothing but pure respect towards him.
If you watched the segment on ACA, you would have soon realised that the story didn't unfold the way I expected. In fact, it was completely opposite, condemning the amazing work Ian has been advocating over the past 25+ years. I was left extremely sad and disappointed.
I stayed at The Gawler Foundation (http://www.gawler.org/) twice last year.
First time it was soon after my diagnosis of advanced breast cancer. I attended a 10 day residential program and after an amazing and very empowering experience of abundant learning about the path of the journey of living with cancer, I decided to return to attend a 5 day follow up 'cancer retreat' later in the year, together with my partner. Needless to say, it was the best thing I have ever done for myself in my whole entire life.
I can briefly list just a few things I have learned at The Gawler Foundation:
- how to take control of my 'cancer journey' (to make decisions of my treatments - conventional such as chemotherapy, radiotherapy, surgery and complementary such as acupuncture, holistic GP, massage... with clarity and determination)
- how to accept my diagnosis and achieve peace of mind (tools and techniques)
- how to eliminate my past emotional barriers (counselling and some helpful self-techniques and practices, useful resources - books, CDs, podcasts...)
- how to look after myself physically (with proper nutrition, diet, exercise...)
- the importance of balanced life (mind body soul)
- and many many more
So, watching the segment on ACA last Friday, condemning the amazing work they do at The Gawler Foundation, was nothing less but heartbreaking for me. And the comment by Tracy Grimshaw to finish with: "Desperate people do desperate things" was completely improper and out of place.
I am not anywhere near close to being a desperate person, nor is anyone I have crossed paths while at The Gawler Foundation.
Living life with cancer is very challenging. It is a very fine line between living with cancer and dying from it. I am a strong believer in the power of mind. Yes, of course there are million types of different cancers, and even though advanced and many seem the same, yet they are all different. Just as people are different, cancers behave differently. How come some people with the 'same' type of cancer fall into statistics and die exactly in due time, while others live many years and can have good quality of life regardless of diagnosis?!?
I don't know about you, but my common sense tells me to look for clues and answers in people that are long term survivors. Especially those rare few who are considered 'spontaneous remissions'. And when you do start reading and researching into those cases, you find there are many more than your average Oncologist (like Dr. Lowenthal who appeared on ACA) tells you.
Unfortunately our conventional medicine can only afford researches into prevention and treatment drugs, sponsored by huge pharmaceutical companies, which are not interested in long term survivors, but rather in people who have cancer and need those heavy drugs to somehow extend their life or ease them into death. It is a huge industry. I, as a cancer patient, undergoing numerous treatments, am worth tens of thousands of dollars a year, if not hundreds... Once I'm in a remission (a survivor!), treatments and medications stop and I am no longer of any value to them. That, sadly, is reality.
So no wonder there are no funds to support research in long term survivors... Quite cruel, isn't it?
I do apologise for the lengthy post and I am extremely grateful if you are still reading it. But I have to get this off my chest, as I find it quite frustrating and extremely unfair.
All I tried to explain is the difference between LIVING WITH CANCER and DYING FROM CANCER. I am living with it. And I am living well. In fact, my quality of life is way higher now then has ever been before.
It is both, good and bad, when I either see someone I haven't seen in ages or meet someone new and they say: 'so sorry about your cancer, wow, but you look so good, I would have never thought...'
It's good because it's true. Although I look different (from side effects of numerous different drugs I am on) I still look healthy and well. Probably healthier than most of the general population, as I am looking after myself with extremely healthy diet and lifestyle.
And it's bad, because general person expects me (diagnosed with advanced / secondary / a very serious stage 4 cancer) to look like I'm dying.
And that, I suppose is the main difference.
The perception of the world today still is that having cancer means one will die way before their time, while in fact, one actually can live an extremely fulfilling abundant life managing cancer just as any other chronic illness.
Or even better, just as the likes of Dr.Ian Gawler or another amazing Australian - Petrea King (the founder of Quest For Life), one can achieve the state of complete remission.
Hopefully, sometime in the very near future every single newly diagnosed cancer patient will aim for the above.
And I sincerely hope that our conventional Doctors, Oncologists and media, start encouraging the awakenings of survivors within us all and support us all to take path towards this amazing and already achievable goal, with all their respect, optimism and positivity or just keep nice and quite, and learn to practice some compassion if there's nothing hopeful to be said...
Friday, November 18, 2011
3 steps forward, 1 step back
Ah, the unpredictability of the life with cancer...
Just as I thought all is under control, decided to take a well deserved break from heavy decision making on serious treatments, or starting any suggested serious treatments such as chemotherapy (which I have been postponing for quite a few months), I woke up the other day in an excruciating pain. And this time, the pain decided not to go away. Not with a top up pain medications, not with a session of acupuncture, meditation, rest... Nothing seemed to help.
As the day progressed, the pain was getting worse and worse, until it got so bad that I simply curled up on the floor, unable to stand up or even sit up. It was most physically agonizing pain I have ever experienced, and I couldn't move without the help of my loving man. Breathless and unable to get the words out ... All of the muscles around back and front of my lungs were in a complete spasm.
It took me at least 20 minutes to come back to breath, be able to talk and phone my after hours palliative care team for advice. Few top up painkillers, another phone call an hour later and doubling the usual dose, left me quite high, but somehow numb to the pain and I ended up having a very needed deep, long night sleep.
Positive me, I hoped for a good, pain free morning to wake up to. Gosh I was wrong!
I woke up fresh, at peace, well rested, but realised soon after that I couldn't move. The mission to the bathroom was pretty much impossible. In fact, it was so bad, I couldn't even sit up to take my morning medication. I was very close to be completely paralyzed from neck to hips.
I crashed back onto my bed in agony, took quite some time to relax, release and catch enough breath to be able to start talking... Needless to say, I was straight on the phone to the Doctor, organized an ambulance and off I went to the nearest Emergency.
So much about being in control... And reducing my painkillers.... And taking a 'well deserved Xmas break' from cancer :-))))
What have I learned?
In this particular event from the past few days, I have learned there is often no such thing as taking control over the situation.... No such thing as a 'deadline', or a break, holiday, time out...
Sometimes, things just occur, very unpredictably and totally unplanned, out of our hands, nowhere in our agenda.
It is in a way similar to the experience of being a new parent.
Once your child is born, you are a grown up, a parent, responsible 24/7, for the rest of your life. There is no manual, no agenda on baby's sleep, no knowing what comes next. It is extremely unpredictable.
And no matter how tired you sometimes may feel, no matter how much you feel like you need a long, uninterrupted good night sleep, there is no break from it. And it is pretty much out of control, at least yours, anyway... It seems that all of a sudden, a little innocent newborn, so precious and dependant, completely changed your life.
Please let me explain in a more detailed way:
By no means I intend to be negative about being a new parent, as it actually also is the most amazing experience, better and greater than anything you could have ever imagined. It is also the most rewarding. And it teaches you so much.
Being a mother, I have learned million things, but the two that really stand out for me are:
The secondary diagnosis of cancer has changed my life completely, and mostly (just like being a mother) in the most amazing, positive, rewarding way.
Over the past year, I have left my stressful job, changed my diet to the healthiest possible, started to meditate, surrounded myself with people that I want to be surrounded with, my priorities are very obviously recognised, I have found a peace of mind, gained clarity, got rid of the guild, anger, learned how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy, peaceful manner ... And the list of positives goes on and on.
But most importantly, I have started practising true, immeasurable, unconditional love towards myself and I am learning, day by day, to be patient.
So yes, I have learned that sometimes things happen suddenly, very unpredictably, totally unexpected, unplanned and out of our hands.
I have recently opened myself to starting another session of chemotherapy, but naively thought it could wait until the beginning of new year. I seriously believed my cancer in the spine can take a 2 months vacation from a much needed treatment, without compromising my well-being, let me enjoy the festive season and then, when I am ready with my 'new year resolution list', we can start 'fresh after a break' - in my own time frame.
Yes, I was very wrong.
But whatever happens, no matter have unexpected and horrible it may feel when it occurs, it is just a moment. A moment, that just like any other moment in our life, is sure to pass.
And so we move through life - 3 steps forward, 1 step back, learning to embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability, knowing that although slow, with many possible set-backs, we still are moving forward, towards the completion of the circle of life as we know it.
To conclude, I will use a simple, but yet very deep and powerful mantra by my dear friend Jane:
'All is well. All is well. All is well... Always!'
In this particular event from the past few days, I have learned there is often no such thing as taking control over the situation.... No such thing as a 'deadline', or a break, holiday, time out...
Sometimes, things just occur, very unpredictably and totally unplanned, out of our hands, nowhere in our agenda.
It is in a way similar to the experience of being a new parent.
Once your child is born, you are a grown up, a parent, responsible 24/7, for the rest of your life. There is no manual, no agenda on baby's sleep, no knowing what comes next. It is extremely unpredictable.
And no matter how tired you sometimes may feel, no matter how much you feel like you need a long, uninterrupted good night sleep, there is no break from it. And it is pretty much out of control, at least yours, anyway... It seems that all of a sudden, a little innocent newborn, so precious and dependant, completely changed your life.
Please let me explain in a more detailed way:
By no means I intend to be negative about being a new parent, as it actually also is the most amazing experience, better and greater than anything you could have ever imagined. It is also the most rewarding. And it teaches you so much.
Being a mother, I have learned million things, but the two that really stand out for me are:
- true, immeasurable, unconditional love (instantly)
- patience (work in progress)
The secondary diagnosis of cancer has changed my life completely, and mostly (just like being a mother) in the most amazing, positive, rewarding way.
Over the past year, I have left my stressful job, changed my diet to the healthiest possible, started to meditate, surrounded myself with people that I want to be surrounded with, my priorities are very obviously recognised, I have found a peace of mind, gained clarity, got rid of the guild, anger, learned how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy, peaceful manner ... And the list of positives goes on and on.
But most importantly, I have started practising true, immeasurable, unconditional love towards myself and I am learning, day by day, to be patient.
So yes, I have learned that sometimes things happen suddenly, very unpredictably, totally unexpected, unplanned and out of our hands.
I have recently opened myself to starting another session of chemotherapy, but naively thought it could wait until the beginning of new year. I seriously believed my cancer in the spine can take a 2 months vacation from a much needed treatment, without compromising my well-being, let me enjoy the festive season and then, when I am ready with my 'new year resolution list', we can start 'fresh after a break' - in my own time frame.
Yes, I was very wrong.
But whatever happens, no matter have unexpected and horrible it may feel when it occurs, it is just a moment. A moment, that just like any other moment in our life, is sure to pass.
And so we move through life - 3 steps forward, 1 step back, learning to embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability, knowing that although slow, with many possible set-backs, we still are moving forward, towards the completion of the circle of life as we know it.
To conclude, I will use a simple, but yet very deep and powerful mantra by my dear friend Jane:
'All is well. All is well. All is well... Always!'
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I wish for GREEN to be the new PINK
October, the month of 'Pink Ribbon' for breast cancer awareness is finished.
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........
Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.
The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc
All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.
Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....
It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....
Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.
But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.
The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.
And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!
There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.
Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.
So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!
So I thought it was a good time to spill my thoughts........
Back in early 2008, as most of newly breast cancer diagnosed women, I was in a total shock, had absolutely no knowledge nor idea of what to do, where to turn to, so I went with the flow of conventional medicine.
It went something like this:
following a finding of a lump, I visited GP, then had mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, was sent to a surgeon for lumpectomy, then sent to Oncologist for chemotherapy, Radiation Oncologist for radiotherapy and more chemotherapy afterwards - all in the speed of light, without a slight break to take it all in, take time to research and learn about the scary & complex disease I was just diagnosed with.
It was 100% out of my hands. I handed my treatment options with 100% trust to Doctors. In other words, I have not taken any responsibility either for my condition or treatment options for myself.
It was a horrible year.
The only bright light in that year was the support that was offered by National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF). From the early stage of diagnosis, when I received a phone call from my breast care nurse (who I felt was an angel sent to help me), to a beautiful pink pack of goodies (a calendar to record my journey, costs, appointments etc., brochures with explanations of treatments and even a complementary, very comfortable wireless bra to get me through post-surgery time) and later a weekly Breast Cancer Support Group, where I met ladies going through the same rough times, had some professionals talking about the importance of exercise, nutrition etc
All of the above support was greatly appreciated. So much so, that I decided to get involved straight after my treatment finished and held my first Pink Ribbon Breakfast only a few days after my last Chemo. I was wearing a wig, campaigning and with the support of few good friends raised couple thousand dollars at our local cafe. It was a good feeling.
I have since repeated the fundraising few times, by either hosting a Pink Ribbon Breakfast or walking and running Mothers' Day Classic.
Until I got diagnosed with the advanced cancer late last year....
It was planted in my brain that it is the second diagnosis of cancer that kills you. And there I was. It was secondary. It came back into my bones, some in the lymphs above my lungs and few months later found in brain, too.
According to my past believes, that is it. You are gone. Once it's in the brain, there is nothing you can do, right?!? You might as well just make a bucket list and spend the last few months of your life doing what you really want, dying doing what you have always wanted....
Not sure what happened in my head after initial diagnosis of secondary cancer, but it was different. The old believes have disappeared quite fast.
My oncologist was helpful, positive, told me not to panic and gave me few examples of ladies living 6 or even 10+ years afterwards, feeling good.
Obviously, I went straight online and started Googling like mad. The info appearing wasn't nice.
I tried to find Support Group for secondary breast cancer, but there were none to be found.... I contacted NBCF and received a very similar pink pack, info on cancer, stats and prognosis, info on treatments, a hand cream (WTF!??!) etc and only 2 things that I actually found useful: a little brochure with inspirational surviving stories and a CD with meditation exercises.
I must say, that overall, I was disappointed with the lack of support by NBCF at my stage of disease.
But I didn't give up searching. Although I had no idea exactly what I was looking for, I felt there has to be something out there... Surely there are stories of long term cancer survivors!
And that is when I came across the book 'You Can Conquer Cancer', written by a long term cancer survivor himself, Dr Ian Gawler (www.gawler.org).
As I red the book, my old belief melted. There was HOPE! And I was filled with it.
The book was such an eye opener. It covered all - from conventional treatments such as chemo and radio, to importance of diet / nutrition and meditation for the peace of mind and clarity.
The amount of important information for my next steps of journey was enormous. It pretty much opened the door to everything I need to get well again. And yes, it is absolutely possible.
As I was taking further steps on my journey, I came across some amazing long term cancer survivor stories.
And with my mind set on a long healthy life, who better to trust (and footsteps to follow) then the long term survivors themselves.
And this is where the shift from PINK to GREEN comes in!
There are a few things that the long term survivors have in common (in conjunction with their treatments) :
- change of diet to unprocessed, fresh, high alkaline, vegan / plant based
- no sugar, salt, alcohol, caffeine and nicotine
- freshly squeezed vegetable juices and / or smoothies
- meditation
- acceptance and love of life
So, why don't the doctors just prescribe the above?
Well, unfortunately the doctors and big foundations such as NBCF basically work for pharmaceutical companies (either directly or indirectly).
The doctors are there to prescribe drugs and they are not trained in nutrition. They unfortunately still recommend meat & three veggies diet. There have been no scientific research on food and cancer connection as their is no funds for that kind of research. No pharmaceutical company will fund research on food or meditation for that matter, as they are all basically free of charge and stealing away their 'drug' business.
Same goes with NBCF. They are unfortunately mostly sponsored by huge multinational companies, and all the research money goes to searching for a "magic pill". Unfortunately there will never be such thing as a "magic pill" cure for cancer. Cancer is way more complex than that.
Like it or not, GREEN is the answer. The change of lifestyle to a super healthy green, toxin free, organic, back to nature style.
It can be hard, or impossible for some, but definitely challenging for all, and that is why most people don't do it, keep living the life in their comfort zone, and keep waiting for that "magic pill" to appear.
So, in the future, when donating to a good cause, ask yourself - where does the money go to?
Do I wish to support PINK or GREEN? What do I believe in?
I am GREEN all the way!
Friday, February 4, 2011
I Don't Want To Die
'I don't want to die' was my first thought back in early February 2008, when a surgeon confirmed the lump in my breast is an aggressive cancer!
No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....
I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.
2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.
It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.
Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.
Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!
Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!
No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....
I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.
2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.
It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.
Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.
Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!
Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!
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