Swimming In The Pond Of Doubts

Just as every night, I was on Twitter last night. @TinaVis is my Twitter ID.
I came across this article from the blog of Karen Pendy, a beautiful, positive and happy young woman, who recently passed away at the age of 37, from advanced breast cancer which had spread to her brain...

To some of you, who may have read my previous posts, the story of tumors that had spread into brain sounds familiar. Yes. I also was faced with that very same diagnosis. Interestingly, very similar age, too!
Needless to say, reading about her passing only 5 months after the diagnosis, left me slightly overwhelmed. It made me feel sad, a bit disappointed, a bit scared and definitely doubtful.
On the other hand, it did reinforce my positivity, since my scan last November showed my brain as all clear and I am still here on planet Earth, feeling well and getting better each and every day.
I know my prognosis is not bright, but I am filled with hope. And I know I am not the average person who falls into statistics.
Not only that... I strongly believe in the power of mind and my mind is telling me I am a long term survivor. Long term is considered 10+ years in the cancer world and I am convinced I can (and I will) achieve that.
But my hope is telling me I will be around for much longer, to see my beautiful (now 5 year old) daughter grow up and live fulfilling adult life, to grow old together with my beautiful man, to travel the world, to inspire people, to accomplish many things I have set myself to accomplish...

A month ago, or even a week ago, I would have said, there is no doubt about it... However, after reading the post last night, the doubt crept up on me. I woke up my man, started the 'midnight' conversation and cried out the fears. But the doubts stayed. Same old, same old...
What if I'm fooling myself?
What if my mind is tricking me?
What if my brain tumors come back?
What if my Doctors say: 'there's nothing else we can do' ?
Has anyone ever survived for more than 5 years after brain mets were diagnosed? Anyone???
Am I lucky enough to be that one of the very rare few (if there are any at all)?
Am I disillusioned?
And the list goes on...

I am swimming in the pond of doubts.
All I need now from myself is clarity and all I want from others is the belief and encouragement.
I will gain the clarity, I know how, but I am asking you all to send some belief and encouragement my way.
And I will be forever grateful.

Love to you all x

Hope

The definition of HOPE: " A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

When you are faced with the diagnosis of advanced cancer (the cancer that has spread through different parts of the body), or any other seriously life threatening disease, hope is the one and only most important starting point. There is absolutely nothing without hope. No hope, no future.

When I heard my GP voicing the words: "I'm afraid the Xray results show the cancer has come back... " all went completely and absolutely blank. All. Everything disappeared and I was in a deep, empty, dark, black hole, nothing and no one with me, next to me, nor around me. I was in a total state of shock.
The one and only thing I remember to feel was an enormous fear. The fear of death. And an instant question arised: "how long before I die?"
I felt completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal.
Although always considering myself as a strong person with a solution to any problem thrown at me, at that very moment of the diagnosis, I was completely blank. Totally blinded by it. There was no answer, no solution, no potential plan, absolutely no hope...
All I could think of, when the initial shock settled slightly, was something to help me get through a week of pre-christmas celebrations we had lined up. So I asked my GP for sedatives.

Then, after few days of hazily and hopelessly wandering around under the influence of Valium, I decided to make a trip to the bookshop.
As I browsed through the shelves, a book called You Can Conquer Cancer jumped right out to my attention, and I decided to buy it.
The very next day we travelled to the beautiful Castaway Island in Fiji for our christmas holiday. I stopped taking Valium and started reading the book. It only took a page to fill me up with hope.

And there we are - HOPE!
Hope to me right then and there presented the shift of my feelings from being completely powerless, helpless, scared and utterly mortal, to:

• start seeing the little sparkle of possibility of survival
• getting answers to million questions
• seeing the path to possible solutions
• opening the options of numerous treatments available
• opportunity for an enormous lifestyle change
• finding the positives to lean on
• million reasons to keep believing in positives
• finding the strength to not give in to the prognosis
• determination to stick to my new healthy life-style change
• love to life, myself and to people around me
• and the list goes on

Hope is so important. It is (next to love) the main driver in my life.
Hope made me get rid of fear and uncertainty about the future, and instead makes me dream, plan, start doing and keep focusing on the joys of living. It makes me see the future bright and clear, no matter what obstacles (and there are many on my journey) I encounter. With hope within me, I feel safe and certain that no matter what comes my way in the future, all will be well, always.

Dear 16 year old me!

As you are all curled up in bed, completely lost in the darkness of it all, feeling totally alone, small and fragile, full of nothingness, but yet overfilled by such powerful unpleasant and confused emotions of rage and angst and totally consumed by hatred... hatred to the world around you and to yourself...

I wish I could've been there with you! I would have been holding you tight, comfort you and tell you that
- the world is so much bigger than your small 'home'
- you will go out there and explore the world and yes, you will find a place you love, a place where you feel safe and where you feel at home
- your life is so precious, this is just a stage, although a 10 years long stage, but it will pass, eventually
- the first love is nothing but a stepping stone towards the real love, which, yes, you will find in your early thirties
- the 'family' is not there to stay and haunt you through your life...
- you will be an independent adult before you know & you will leave your broken home and cut the circle of abuse and violence
- you are not alone in this world... there are many people who love you and will support you through whatever happens
- you will experience most amazing things, see & visit most amazing places, and meet many amazing people
- you will find happiness, love and contentment
- you will stop hating and learn to forgive
- you will feel loved, fulfilled, joyous, carefree and sometimes even exceptional

No matter how hard it seems, no matter how dark it seems, it is not that way. You are only 16 years old, baby, you have been unwanted, abandoned, unloved and abused...
It is extremely hard to see it, but believe me, Tina, there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel and no matter how difficult it all seems, as time passes, it does get easier. It really is just a stage, a stage that has been going on for a very long time and started way before you were able to act on it. You were only a child then, Tina! A young, innocent child, who, by no means could have known how to defend herself.

But the great news is, you are learning the lesson, which is going to help you enormously in your future.
Life is not all rosy, as you know, and it continuously throws many challenges at you. One of them will come in the peak of your newly found happiness, when you are a new mother of most amazing little girl. You will get cancer.

And yet again you will get filled with anger and fear, resentment and guilt.
Until, at 37, the cancer returns and the most miraculous thing happens.

This time, as you face the death, something changes. You make a conscious decision to choose life. It's you, Tina, with your strength you have gathered through those many past years of suffering. It all did happen for a reason.
As you are now facing, for many people, the biggest challenge ever, it doesn't seem that way to you. It is just another challenge.
But this time, you are an adult. You are strong and you feel strong. You love and you feel loved. You are focused, determined and at ease with it. You love who you've become and therefore you love yourself. You have an enormous reason to live, you are a mother... You feel loved, safe and secure. There is no room for anger nor fear left in you....
Life is oh so precious. And you know it and therefore you live it. You truly live it, and you are at peace.
The good news is, you are only turning 39 at present and you've got many years ahead.
Keep practicing mindfulness, day in, day out, and all will be well.

Love x
Tina

Fight against cancer? Or is it?

As a person living with cancer, I can tell the world, it is not a battle, or a fight! It is a life with cancer. Life out of comfort zone, greatly, way out!
Battle is negative, so is fight. Life is not, or at least, it shouldn't be. Life is beautiful, and we shouldn't give cancer the power to change that.
Cancer is a disease. It is a state you are in either temporarly, short term, long term or forever.

I can't talk in the name of all, but I can tell you I am not in the fight nor a battle against it.
I accept the disease, I am actively involved in managing it, hopefully getting rid of it in the nearest possible future, but I am not fighting. No, I am not being hostile or angry. In fact, I am quite opposite. I am learning to be and stay as positive as possible. And I am doing it with love.

I do get slightly annoyed when people describe someone dying of cancer as 'losing the battle'. What does that mean? Is he / she a loser?

I like to think it is a choice of each individual to accept it or not, making decisions on life or death. Consciously or subconsciously.

Cancer is an extremly difficult and complex, multifactorial disease. When associated with pain (which is often the case), is even harder. To keep up hope, belief of getting better one day, the determination, discipline and mostly love to life, which are to my opinion essentials for survival, it is an extremly hard job. And the journey is life long and very unpredictable.
Unfortunately, there is still a general belief in the world that cancer kills, which causes enormous fear. And fear is the one that usually kills, not cancer.
To top it all up, there is the conventional medicine with their statistics, which often cement the fear and take away hope in many cases. And so many people start believing they have a 'terminal' cancer, a year, or even just few months to live etc and before you know it they fall into the statistics and die.
But yet I wouldn't describe it as 'losing the battle'. I prefer to describe it as letting go, finding peace, which is what happens in either surviving or dying anyway. It is very often much easier to find peace in death and there is absolutely nothing negative about it.

I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law. She (as well as most of the world) desperately wants the world to find the 'cure for cancer' and wonders why it hasn't happened yet. It's all in best intention.
The fantastically amazing good news is - there is a cure for cancer!
It is just that the common world doesn't see it or believe it, as it doesn't come in one little pill. And it never will! It is an extremly complex disease which can only be treated hollistically.
There is no easy way out. And it is extremly difficult to embrace such state, learn to love to live with it, take control and change your life accordingly.

So, yes, that's why I dislike the frases like 'battle and/or fight against cancer', because it's got absolutely nothing to do with that. It's all about acceptance, embrace and finally, love.

Wish me good luck!

Winter Is Over

What huge few months I've just lived through!

Bones are full of cancer, lymph nodes got few new tumors and even my brain's got few tumors!
I had numerous radiotherapy sessions to ease my pain, a brain surgery to remove the biggest tumor at the back of my head - above my neck, and I underwent the 'gamma knife treatment' for other few (4) little tumors in my brain.

Not sure where to start...

The horrid pain I went through I suppose, which made me visit my Radio Oncologist. He appointed me to the Palliative Care team to give me painkillers for short term relief and prescribed numerous sessions of radiotherapy for long term relief.
Both worked well, although I was quite drugged there for a while trying to find the right type and dose of painkillers.
I remember at one instance I was so drugged, I was afraid / paranoid to leave the house or have any contact with outside world. But I felt pain-free and quite happy.... That being 15 years ago, I would have appreciated it. Not at present though.
Radiotherapy was quite smooth sailing, apart from the last part, when they decided to give me a week's dose in an hour, aimed through my stomach to mid spine and made me sicker vomiting than I have ever been in my life before. Back to the hospital I went on the same night, got some extra drugs and felt better.

Thinking about it now, I could describe half of my winter as being on some seriously heavy drugs.
They included steroids as well, which made me hungry and I ate a lot! Still healthy 'raw' type food though, sticking to my new lifestyle.

These days, I allow myself to have a once a month 'whatever you want to eat' day and I usually end up having some lovely lean organic beef. I also let myself have a little bit of (lowest in salt) cheese and quite a lot of dark chocolate (organic raw vegan friendly style).

Next on the list was the brain surgery!
I met up with neurosurgeon to discuss the procedure. I didn't really want to know the details, nor possible complications. All I wanted to find out was what kind of person he is, how his energies are and what music (if any) he listens to while operating. I was very pleased with him, especially after finding out that him and his team are big fans of U2... Being a huge fan myself, I ordered U2 to be on the playlist during my surgery... And no negatives to be spoken.
I was a bit nervous, I must say, but reading Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel really helped me to stay positive, learn to be an 'exceptional' patient and  fully trust the process and the Universe.
It was the perfect book to be read and I highly recommend it to anyone facing a serious illness or any medical procedures.
I came to the hospital positively charged and 100% ready. I truly did feel like an 'exceptional' patient. Especially after the surgery went so well that I ended up being discharged in 3 days - a day prior to the best possible predicted outcome.
The surgery left me with 21 staples down the back of my head.

Next on the list was the very expensive, new and the only one available in the whole of Australia  'Gamma Knife Treatment'. It is a laser surgery / radiotherapy, without incision, ran by the team of doctors (including Radio Oncologist and Neurosurgeon) and done in a MRI looking machine. It only lasts few hours, no overnight hospital stay, you can play your own music (so I prepared the 'Gamma Knife' playlist on my iPhone), but most importantly, there are no side effects, no hair loss.... The only downside was the steel frame they 'installed' onto my head, which left me with lots of bruising and a very obvious black eye, which hadn't gone away for a couple of weeks.

It's over now.
The weather is getting warmer, bruising is gone, drugs are reduced to minimum, my head is well healed, bold spots covered with fresh growing hair... Spring is near.

I had this amazing powerful feeling the other day. I felt totally empowered.
"I am amazing!" I thought to myself, "I've had a brain surgery! I am surviving a very serious advanced cancer! And I feel fantastic!"

Bring on the SPRING!

I Don't Want To Die

'I don't want to die' was my first thought back in early February 2008, when a surgeon confirmed the lump in my breast is an aggressive cancer!

No, not me! How can this be happening? No-one in my family (generations back) has ever had cancer. Cancer is genetic, right? Cancer is for people holding back their feelings, their emotions, never let go... Cancer is for people with stress, overweight, uptight, smokers, people that don't look after themselves, don't exercise, victims of every day life, who constantly complain and whine - never happy, always sick, weak personalities, followers .... And the list goes on....

I have always thought of myself as a strong, well balanced optimist, who knows how to deal with everyday stresses of life, shows and lets go of emotions... And I am pretty sure that type of person does not get cancer!
But yet, there I was, newly diagnosed at the young age of 34, with a beautiful little daughter who was just about to turn 1 and a loving man.

2008 was a horrible year. While all my friends were trying to have the second child, I underwent a very aggressive cancer treatment, including 6 months in total of 2 different chemo therapies, leaving me with absolutely no hair (all gone, down to the last eyelash). But most of it, it had left me feeling overwhelmingly emotional, confused, full of doubts about my beliefs and my future, horribly unloved and extremly unhappy.

It took 6 months (with my hair slowly but surely coming back) and a solid exercise routine (oh how great it felt to feel strong and fit again!), to start feeling better and I decided to enjoy my life.
So 2009 ended up being a great year.... By the end, I was fitter than ever before, had 5 fantastic holidays, worked only to live and definitely not lived to work, really enjoyed being a mother... Looking back, 2009 could easily be described as the best year ever.

Then came 2010 and my life settled in a more 'down to earth' routine - less holidays, less exercise, some relationship issues, everyday stresses at work got more intense, the pain in my back (which I thought was caused by boxing exercise) would not go away until whoosh - December 2010 arrived and GP sent me for an Xray of my back.
14th December 2010, a shock diagnosis of secondary (or advanced / metastasised) breast cancer that had spread in the bone hit me like a bullet through my chest that lets you survive, but leaves you with lingering agony, fear and unable to move.

Death! How can I face that? How can I let go of my, now almost 4 year old, daughter? She needs me.
How is this even possible? I had a 2 year all clear / no cancer detected results just two months earlier, in October 2010. And now, just before Christmas, I am told my cancer is back in my bones and it is possible that has also spread to the liver and lungs ....
What the fuck!!!!! Give me a break! I am a healthy 37 year old mother, whose only bad habit in the past 7 years has been occasional few glasses of wine!

Anger! That was the most overtaking emotion at the time of diagnosis... And fear. The fear of death.
And again, there was a 'WHY ME' stage....
Until I found a book called You Can Conquer Cancer.
And then.............. HOPE!
Yes, I can... and yes, I will... conquer cancer!